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  #131  
Old 09-07-2010, 08:31 PM
ArchiePunker ArchiePunker is offline
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We already have a split schedule and I have been dating. I still long for quality time with her where we really connect but, it just isnt happening right now. We have even penciled in some time alone together and its been kind of a drag....

I do see what you mean about her needing a break and I will give her that space.

Its just that her disconnection from me happened so rapidly, it makes me kind of catastrophize what could happen in the coming weeks, ya know?

Its cool to hear your perspective.
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  #132  
Old 09-07-2010, 09:00 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Oh ya, I remember you saying you were dating. Sorry... Forgot

Has she read on here yet? Is she ready for that?
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  #133  
Old 09-07-2010, 09:02 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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AP, you guys need that quality time. But I don't know how you're going about it, so I'll throw this out there and you can take what you like. Schedule time to do something that the both of you like to do, no pressure, just something fun. You don't have to concentrate on bonding to actually achieve some bonding, and doing something fun will help remind the both of you that you do indeed like each other. And if you guys, in the worst case, don't remember you like each other, at least you got to spend some time doing something you enjoy. :P

I know that for me, in the worst throes of my NRE or the worst depths of my jealousy and insecurity, doing something that we both enjoyed reminded me that, 1) Easy gets me in a way that really no one else does, and 2) Even if the other woman makes him happy, I do too. We all have places where we fit, I just have to remember that.
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  #134  
Old 09-07-2010, 09:46 PM
ArchiePunker ArchiePunker is offline
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RP, She hasnt read on here yet and no I dont think shes ready. She has admitted to me that she has made some mistakes as far as the way this whole thing has gone. This started out as something that was going to bring us closer and as I mentioned in the beginning it did. I think she realizes that if she starts reading stuff like this, she will be reminded of some of that stuff. Again, all part of the NRE.

LD, That is a good idea. I need to figure out something we can do together and try to set up a regular thing. We were supposed to watch a movie together last night per her request but, once we got started it was tense and weird and she sat across the room form me, and had her laptop on here lap, etc. I told her earlier in the day that I was thinking about going out with this girl Ive been seeing and she got mad. She later came in and said she was sorry and that she got mad because she was hoping to hang with me. So its weird because she seemed to really want to hang out but, when we did it was awkward.
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  #135  
Old 09-07-2010, 10:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I agree with lemondrop. Time doing something you enjoy together is good for re-connecting although I have found it doesn't work unless talking is involved and a no texting rule.

For me its dinner out please. I love that! We have a great city for it though. Anything from a picnic to a fancy meal. I love that. We go for walks quite often, of course we have Mono to babysit. I suggest a once a week date that involves no TV or internet unless you are researching and no texting. Start saving for sitters. Hands down that works for us. That and a half hour of engaging each other a day on what is going on in our lives. We try to make it eating together after the boy has eaten, but it doesn't always work. We also text each other once or twice a day to keep in touch and keep that connection going.

The rest of the time we are free to pretty much clock out from each other. As long as the daily stuff is getting done and talked about that is. That feeling of having made an effort to connect feels really good and make my time away from PN better and more enjoyable so I can connect with my other loves and people in my life. I would suggest that to her as a tried and true thing that others discovered here on the forum. Maybe it will get her reading?! oh I recognise myself in her so much. *cring*
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  #136  
Old 09-07-2010, 10:50 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Yeah, I get how that can happen. It can sometimes be hard to verbalize our needs, and I know that I sometimes can't even figure out how to articulate what I'm feeling. Try an activity, like hiking, that you both agree on, and that you can't be distracted from by a laptop, and I'm with you, I think it should be scheduled, at least for a while. I remember a while ago, Easy and I were having trouble connecting, and I'm ***really*** affected by touch, so Asha (really wise girlfriend) suggested we set up scheduled cuddling time every day where we just dropped everything and paid attention only to each other. It felt artificial to have it scheduled, and for a while I was still angry that he needed to be told to cuddle with me, but I was also amazed at how much better I felt overall. It did make a difference in our attempts to reconnect.

Also, although I heartily approve of family time, if your wife is going through a period where she's trying to find her identity outside of mommy, it's going to be helpful to make sure that the two of you have time *away* from the kiddos. As moms, we sometimes forget that we have a right to be our own person, and when we look up and find that we lost ourselves somewhere can be incredibly frightening and stifling. Having time without the kids will help remind her that you see her as a person and not just mommy, and remind her that you're more than just daddy, too.

ETA: LOL Redpepper beat me to the punch.
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  #137  
Old 09-09-2010, 01:04 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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I'm less optimistic than the other people responding that this is a phase that will pass. NRE certainly makes people make bad choices about their relationships sometimes, but...

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArchiePunker View Post
she wants to maintain a relationship with me but, not a romantic one.
...that sounds like someone who has met someone else and is moving on, not like someone who has met someone else and is too distracted to maintain their current relationship(s).

I'd take her at her word, and try to figure out how to make your life, and co-parenting, make sense for you now.
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  #138  
Old 09-09-2010, 09:10 PM
ArchiePunker ArchiePunker is offline
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JK,

I think you're correct in some aspects. I think the reason we choose to change from a 10 year mono relationship in the first place is, that we both realized that we couldn't be everything for one another.

I believe that during this transition, we have put our old marriage to bed and in a way are starting over from scratch.

Mix that in with little a NRE and shake, and thats what we have here...

This is one of the hardest things I have ever done. However, I do believe the personal growth will be worth it in the end.

That really doesn't change how sad, yet hopeful, I am in the short term...
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  #139  
Old 09-13-2010, 12:07 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi, yet another thread from me.

I read a lot on here about NRE. I wonder how long it lasts. It does seem to be responsible for a lot of problems in itself, causing lots of bad new feelings for a mono partner when their partner is in the grip of NRE.

If a poly relationship runs into problems when the NRE starts to run out, does that indicate that the relationship was really just an affair posing as a poly?
Suppose the "poly" person in a couple has say, 3 new partners in one year. As soon as the NRE wears off he/she looks for someone new.

Can you still call that poly? I would be tempted to call that serial infidelity.

I stress that my relationship is nothing like that. My wife didn't seem to get any NRE. The other guy went straight into "Other Husband" status , and my wife (bless her) was very stressed out at the beginning trying to keep us both happy. I don't see her and him when they are together. Only now is she starting to say that she is happy.
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  #140  
Old 09-13-2010, 12:58 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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NRE lasts about 6 months, but some here will admit to it being longer. I myself have always found a change in the relationship around 2 months ... Still in the grip of NRE, but more focussed on emotional aspects rather than the physical ones at the outset.

There is a thread somewhere, that discusses the potential to be addicted to NRE. While some will argue over whether hopping from NRE to NRE is poly, I don't understand how this is infidelity, unless the poly partners were not aware of each other.

Personally, I would be tempted to call that sort of hopping more of an open relationship, but mono people can do the same thing and no one will argue as to whether or not they're still mono! So, no judging from me if someone wants to call that their poly.

The other possibility is that the hopping person really is looking for another long term partner, and simply can't see through NRE. They must wait for it to go away in order to determine whether or not that relationship will be successful. Every relationship fails until one (or several) don't, you know?
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