a weight has been lifted

L

LolaLeigh

New member
Hi Everyone,
This week I made the choice for my husband, Jim follow what he wants to do regarding his desire to fully embrace a Poly love style. Initially, Jim and Zoe, his FWB had left me with the decision to move forward or if I couldn't' deal with it they would end their relationship. I could not deal with the pressure to make this decision, as, if I wanted them to end it, I would be hurting them both but more so my husband. I had all of our hurt feelings and anxiousness for the future on my chest. I didn't want Jim to resent me, have that grow into hate and have him walk away. I was so consumed with fear, not so much jealousy, but gut-wrenching fear. Who was I to deny him what he wants or needs? The only choice is how I am going to process their new relationship and what I want and need. I told him yesterday of my putting the control of his future and relationship back in his hands and surprisingly he was not as happy as I thought he was going to be. Now he is so worried about me and my hurt feelings, I have no idea if he is going to move forward. I'm trying to figure out how to support him while he figures it all out. How far we have come in 2 weeks.
Any words of wisdom? I would like to know from others how they felt when they just let all the fear and jealousy go? What did you do when it crept back in? I know there will be ups and downs and many more conversations between Jim and I and then with the 3 of us. So I know I will need a plan of how to adjust and to occupy my time when they go on dates etc. What are some guidlines that can help us all initially? I'm trying hard not to screw this up from the beginning!
Thanks!
 
Embrace your hobbies. You're absolutely right about keeping yourself busy while he's out. I personally love the alone time. I'll put on a chick flick and email friends. Just like if he was out at any other thing he does.

The only time I've been concerned when Adam has been on a date is when he wasn't home by his stated return time and his phone wasn't working. I wish I would have had her number since my huge fear was that he had actually left her place on time and was crashed in a ditch somewhere. I was so relieved when I finally got hold of him and he was simply running late. I honestly prefer his over night dates, then I don't worry about him getting home late.

Suddenly, I have more empathy with parents of teenagers :D
 
LolaLeigh said:
Hi Everyone,
This week I made the choice for my husband, Jim follow what he wants to do regarding his desire to fully embrace a Poly love style. Initially, Jim and Zoe, his FWB had left me with the decision to move forward or if I couldn't' deal with it they would end their relationship. I could not deal with the pressure to make this decision, as, if I wanted them to end it, I would be hurting them both but more so my husband. I had all of our hurt feelings and anxiousness for the future on my chest. I didn't want Jim to resent me, have that grow into hate and have him walk away. I was so consumed with fear, not so much jealousy, but gut-wrenching fear. Who was I to deny him what he wants or needs? The only choice is how I am going to process their new relationship and what I want and need. I told him yesterday of my putting the control of his future and relationship back in his hands and surprisingly he was not as happy as I thought he was going to be. Now he is so worried about me and my hurt feelings, I have no idea if he is going to move forward. I'm trying to figure out how to support him while he figures it all out. How far we have come in 2 weeks.
Any words of wisdom? I would like to know from others how they felt when they just let all the fear and jealousy go? What did you do when it crept back in? I know there will be ups and downs and many more conversations between Jim and I and then with the 3 of us. So I know I will need a plan of how to adjust and to occupy my time when they go on dates etc. What are some guidlines that can help us all initially? I'm trying hard not to screw this up from the beginning!
Thanks!
Click to expand...

LolaLeigh, in case you didn't notice, I copied and pasted this post over to your original thread, which has the context of your situation. I think that makes things less confusing for your readers and you might get better advice.
 
Hi LolaLeigh,

Here's a link to another member who sought ways to adjust and occupy his time when his partner was on dates with her other: http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?p=292690

Also here's some links on how to cope with jealousy:

I think perhaps the most difficult part of transitioning into poly (from swinging) is the realization that Zoe is no longer just a secondary partner, she is now a primary partner. You no longer take precedence over her. She now has an equal say in your relationship. You will have to find a way to cope with this new dynamic.

Communication is the most important part of your poly relationship. Communication with Jim, then, communication with Zoe. If you plan to have kitchen table poly, you'll need to have a good rapport with your metamour. This seems to be the way you are headed. Friendship is a process, don't try to rush it ... just look for pleasant things to do together, and talk about things a little at a time.

Keep us posted also on this forum, we'll give updated thoughts and advice.
Regards,
Kevin T.

P.S. For reference, here's a link to your other thread: didn't think I'd be here so soon
 
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