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  #21  
Old 09-11-2010, 04:04 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Tonberry-

It could be worded that way. I've always been Poly-but I never knew the word.
When I found the term, I figured out that it described me.

THEN I "came out" to Maca. Really there was no "coming out" beyond that. Even that was more of a "what is the word for who you already know I am".

I was already living my life a certain way-and everyone either thought "wow she's a whore" or "well that's just LR".......

But-to what you were saying, you can use coming out as the meaning.

We were discussing was it worth the changes we made to our lives to Live honestly and truly and forthrightly instead of me cheating-which is what we had before. A sham of a marriage where I was cheating with GG on the side....
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  #22  
Old 09-11-2010, 03:42 PM
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LR- yes it is worth it, the burdens are lifted. Secrets and dishonesty are so heavy to carry when denying who you are and what you really want. I am alot happier and healthier the freer I can move around in my world!

Toneberry good points if you are in touch with everything from the start. Some of us were well indoctrinated into thinking married life meant living in certain perameters- full stop, no wavering, black/white givens. Discovering, naming and applying a new mindset is liberating and a huge relief for those (me) living one way and being unhappy and resentful.
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  #23  
Old 09-11-2010, 10:37 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Yes, I was talking about my own experience. When I came out to my husband he was understanding but also clear on the fact that he was mono-wired. And little by little, he realised that he actually wasn't, although living mono wouldn't have made him unhappy. So I definitely know that while some people might know they are poly from the start, it's not the same for everyone.
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  #24  
Old 09-12-2010, 03:28 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
Hopelessly adorable.

Most of our "hell's" had nothing to do with polyamory and everything to do with getting real with ourselves.

Oh yes !

And I think (and hope) that this sums it up perfectly for everyone who finally settles into the lovestyle. And maybe even those who don't.

Shedding illusions is seldom painless but worth the exercise - at least to me.

GS
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  #25  
Old 09-12-2010, 04:04 PM
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
lovestyle. GS
Love that word!

Tonberry, I guess I am in the same boat as you as far as my husband accepting but definitely being mono-wired...a DADT scenarion mostly. My struggles are more with being open with others, and having to process rejection from bf's wife- also mono-wired but not accepting. She is definitely trying but struggles more than my spouse.
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  #26  
Old 09-12-2010, 04:08 PM
DharmaBum23 DharmaBum23 is offline
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At the moment, I'd have to say no. I don't think it has been worth it at all.
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  #27  
Old 09-12-2010, 06:25 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Love that word!

Tonberry, I guess I am in the same boat as you as far as my husband accepting but definitely being mono-wired...a DADT scenarion mostly. My struggles are more with being open with others, and having to process rejection from bf's wife- also mono-wired but not accepting. She is definitely trying but struggles more than my spouse.
I think you misread a bit there, as Tonberry's husband thought at first he was mono-wired but has realised since that he would be happy either way (and I feel I can comment on what he thought in this case seeing as said husband is me ).
It did take some mental adjustment for me to understand Tonberry's polyamoury, although it was easier as she had said some things before we were involved romanticly that lead me to suspect she was. I'd have to say it's been worth it, though, as she's much happier not trying to supress a part of herself for my sake, and I get along quite well with her BF so the jealousy issues are minor (and generally boil down to some of my anxiety issues not related to polyamoury anyways). As for myself... well, I've met someone I really like but I'm going slowly, so I'll have to see how that turns out. I suspect she knows my feelings, and she hasn't tried to dissuade me, so who knows? I'm staying optimistic, though.
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  #28  
Old 09-13-2010, 07:24 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ragabash View Post
I think you misread a bit there, as Tonberry's husband thought at first he was mono-wired but has realised since that he would be happy either way (and I feel I can comment on what he thought in this case seeing as said husband is me ).
It did take some mental adjustment for me to understand Tonberry's polyamoury, although it was easier as she had said some things before we were involved romanticly that lead me to suspect she was. I'd have to say it's been worth it, though, as she's much happier not trying to supress a part of herself for my sake, and I get along quite well with her BF so the jealousy issues are minor (and generally boil down to some of my anxiety issues not related to polyamoury anyways). As for myself... well, I've met someone I really like but I'm going slowly, so I'll have to see how that turns out. I suspect she knows my feelings, and she hasn't tried to dissuade me, so who knows? I'm staying optimistic, though.
Hi Ragabash! Glad you straightened me out on the misread. And really interested in your take on your mental adjustments. Honestly your answer really kind of further affirms my feeling that we have a similar path going. I am interested to know where in your journey you had a change of heart. After meeting someone, or before? When did the wiring change? Optimism makes all the difference in every life change.
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  #29  
Old 09-13-2010, 04:21 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Hi Ragabash! Glad you straightened me out on the misread. And really interested in your take on your mental adjustments. Honestly your answer really kind of further affirms my feeling that we have a similar path going. I am interested to know where in your journey you had a change of heart. After meeting someone, or before? When did the wiring change? Optimism makes all the difference in every life change.
Well, I wouldn't say so much that the wiring changed so much as I took some time to rethink some social conditioning. Before Tonberry I never knew anyone poly, so my frame of reference was limitted to say the least. I can't even say that it was meeting J, because I've known her for over a year, though not very well until the last few months.
Really, I couldn't tell you where exactly I came to realise I could be happy either way, because I don't think it was any one thing. Maybe it was Tonberry being in a relationship with Sean (her BF)? It was definitely after that I admitted to myself my interest in J. Tonberry wasn't really surprised when I told her, I'd admitted in the past that I found J attractive but at the time it didn't go further than that.
As for optimism, J is coming over for dinner tonight after work to meet Tonberry for the first time. It's just a friendly meal, I haven't expressed my interest directly to her yet, and I don't want her to feel trapped when she's here. As much as I'd like things to move faster, it's for the best that they don't, and that also gives time to slowly introduce her to the idea of being part of the relationship. If she does, then comes all the fun of Tonberry and I coming out to my parents, which will be... interesting.
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  #30  
Old 09-13-2010, 08:10 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Originally Posted by DharmaBum23 View Post
At the moment, I'd have to say no. I don't think it has been worth it at all.
Do you care to elaborate or no?

I'm sorry. It sucks when one takes a step in life and finds that it's more pain and suffering than benefit. I feel that way right now about our aborted attempt to move.
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