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  #11  
Old 09-12-2010, 02:14 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Husband is meeting "S" for coffee today. They've both made me aware that its cool if I come along, but I don't see the point. She has shared with me why she drinks so much and so often and it only made me twice as wary.
I've told Husband I don't think she is the best choice for the reasons she shared. He gives me these pep talks about how he would have to see her for a really long time before she would be included in the way where her drinking could cause real issues and that she might not drink so much by that time. I see this as a naive view. I see him signing up to be who I was in my last marriage - someone who tries to get a drunk to stop being a drunk while the drunk thinks its no big deal.

No one can make a real prediction on this stuff. Emotions have no defined timeline. He can't make the promise he is trying to make because emotions just happen whether its conveniently timed or not.

Has anyone else had to deal with their partner continuing to see someone that they think will be nothing but trouble? I feel strict over this but it isn't some nameless fear or feeling without reason. I imagine her being over and me right where I was before, being distant.
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  #12  
Old 09-12-2010, 02:23 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It seems like his mind is already made up. He wants to let this play out and see where it goes. You can either pretend you're ok with it for the sake of "poly harmony" or you can continue to stand your ground and maintain that it's not a road you want to go down again, even if only vicariously.
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  #13  
Old 09-12-2010, 07:35 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
It seems like his mind is already made up. He wants to let this play out and see where it goes. You can either pretend you're ok with it for the sake of "poly harmony" or you can continue to stand your ground and maintain that it's not a road you want to go down again, even if only vicariously.
Then I'm right back to square one where she is not in the loop with us both and that is what caused the problems in the first place. I'm not real good with the pretending nor do I think its the healthiest way to go about things. Its okay for small stuff like pretending someone's screaming child grabbing a french fry off your plate isn't bothering you while you try to eat your lunch at the diner.

I get that he wants me to trust him to judge the relationship and its potentials, I'm just struggling with it and don't see the sense in being involved because I only see that as an accelerant to something that should not move quickly because of the issues involved. If he is the gas, I'm pegged as the speed bumps. That wasn't working well and I ended up here.
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  #14  
Old 09-12-2010, 08:41 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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OK, I want to be clear that I'm making my "opinions", "judgments", whatever you want to call them based ONLY on what you've said here. I don't know you, your husband, or the potential girlfriend, and neither one of them is here to give their side of the story.

Yeish... it seems like I have to say that a lot these days or people will crawl up my ass for "conjecture". (No one has done that in this thread yet but I feel like folks are always about to.)

Anyway, I drink a lot to relieve stress and I may or may not be an alcoholic (it seems that any time someone lists the reasons why they couldn't possibly have an addiction or a vice they're setting themselves up for a "methinks ye doth protest a wee bit too much"), but I'm not sure I'd push for a relationship with someone whose other partner is strongly suspecting me of having that problem if I were sure I did not have that problem. I'm just trying to look at this from the perspective of a (hypothetical) "girlfriend".


Not sure if that helps or if it makes things seem more complicated.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 09-12-2010 at 08:49 PM.
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  #15  
Old 09-13-2010, 07:04 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
Has anyone else had to deal with their partner continuing to see someone that they think will be nothing but trouble? I feel strict over this but it isn't some nameless fear or feeling without reason. I imagine her being over and me right where I was before, being distant.
Oh ya! Read the "Relationships without prescriptions" thread that is going on right now. Or do a tag search for "veto." It's a debate. How much can one say about their primaries partners partners.

I totally get the whole dilemma. My PN, had a lover that was not that into him. She enjoyed casual sex with him and thought he was cool enough to hang out with, but she didn't love him and he was madly in love with her to the point that he wasn't paying attention to our family, his child, his obligations... he swooned all day and night in his NRE over her and she didn't give a shit. Eventually I told him that he needed to end it and why. He was angry and hurt that I would think of her in such a way, but I told him that it was all bullshit and that he needed to end it or I would for him. He thought about it all night and decided that he would listen to me and his gut instinct and wrote her an email ending it. Her response was, "Oh, that is too bad, I liked fucking you... oh well." He realized in that moment that he had made the right decision. Sometimes it takes a kick in the pants to make our dear loves see something different. Apparently that is up for argument as to whether or not it's justified, but I for one think if my marriage is on line, the welfare of my child is on line, the mortgage payments are on line, then I am going to get up in his face and tell him it has to stop. That is where my trust in his judgment ends and his trust in my judgment had to begin. The debate is whether or not this kind of thing is fair to the other partner... that is up to you as is all of it. Still, you are not alone with this struggle.
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  #16  
Old 09-16-2010, 02:41 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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So Husband and S had coffee and she is all about being friends for a long time first so I guess I got a bit of time before I really need to worry about her as a choice. I have moments of pettiness. Like hey, I asked to meet and talk; she felt it was too soon, but Husband, the one she says she is wary of gets coffeehouse face time? Me? I get email chats full of hyperbole about how I might be able to use my rational mind to fix her irrational mind. pfffft! BTDT and it wasn't fun.

I don't have the focus today to worry about it much and I guess that is a good thing. J is coming over for dinner tonight and he and my husband will be meeting for the first time. I'm so nervous! It doesn't feel like a bad nervous though. hopehopehopehope they get along!
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  #17  
Old 09-18-2010, 02:24 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Having J over for dinner went well. It wasn't as awkward as I worried it would be. They got on fine. I'd made the offer a few weeks ago and didn't expect it would happen so quick because J had been working in another city. That ended faster than expected.
I figured, since I'd invited him over, I'd wait awhile before bringing it up again so as to not make him feel pressured. I was very happy that once he was back in town, he asked to come over on his own. I guess I expected him to be dodgy on the subject. They both impressed me with how at ease they were around each other and that J wants to hang out again sometime. He said the only moment of awkwardness he felt was when it came to seating during the movie we watched.

My own awkwardness was due to having not seen J for a while and wanting to jump on him. but I didn't think Husband would care for that.

I wish the situation with S had as much ease to it. One of my biggest peeves is secondhand last minute invitations to include me. I've never trusted them and when I want someone to be included in an outing, I invite them personally. Both S and Husband know this about me because it has come up before. I have told them that I feel not inviting myself to something they plan to do is something done out of respect.
Yet twice now, they've made plans without me and then afterward, tell me I should have come along. They had planned a bike ride for this weekend earlier this week and Husband said I can come if I want. I thought I would go. But then yesterday morning while talking to S, she tells me she doesn't think she will be over her cold enough to keep those plans.
So this morning I ask Husband what his plans for the day are thinking the ride was canceled. No, its still on. I ask when it was decided for sure that they were going and he says they solidified their plans yesterday an hour AFTER she told me she wasn't going to be well enough to go. How am I suppose to not feel excluded by that? Husband might genuinely not care if I come along, but it definitely makes me feel like they or she would rather I don't come. I wish they, he or she whichever, would just say so. Coming along anyway with all the mixed signals just makes me feel like I'd be intruding.
I'm going anyway. eff it. I figure the only way to know for sure is to go and see if it's weird.
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  #18  
Old 09-20-2010, 03:59 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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I decided to go anyway.
When we first arrived at her place, Husband told me to wait in the car. I sat there for about 5-10 minutes, fighting the urge to get sensitive over it, getting sensitive anyway and climbing in the back seat when they came out and continued talking without any hello to me or anything. I could not hear conversation as it continued and began to fancy finding the nearest metro stop once we arrived to wherever they'd decided we were going because no one thought to tell me our destination. I hate the part of me that has rules for what is and isn't socially polite and scrutinizes anyone who doesn't match those standards. At best, it makes me a lovely party guest or host, but at worst, it provides me with convenient reasons for getting overly butt hurt about petty crap. So I internally told myself off and scrapped the idea of hopping on a train once they were looking the other way. This is new territory and perhaps old reaction habits have little to no application here? I'm hoping to at least use all this to examine myself and find personal growth for poor habits such as this one.

And it was suddenly much better! Out of the back seat and on the feet! I found myself included in conversation and enjoying myself. The ride was nixed for purchasing bike parts. Then we headed for a street festival to grab steak and mushroom pie before heading back to her place to show her how to put the new parts on her bike. Still no roomate in sight though!

S shared with me that she is now keeping herself to a 4 drink minimum when she goes out to determine for herself if she is in fact, lacking in self control with her consumption. Time will tell all.
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  #19  
Old 09-20-2010, 05:21 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
And it was suddenly much better! Out of the back seat and on the feet! I found myself included in conversation and enjoying myself. The ride was nixed for purchasing bike parts. Then we headed for a street festival to grab steak and mushroom pie before heading back to her place to show her how to put the new parts on her bike. Still no roomate in sight though!
Wow! Good for you, turning things around for yourself like that!
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  #20  
Old 09-20-2010, 05:32 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Vinccenzo View Post
I hate the part of me that has rules for what is and isn't socially polite and scrutinizes anyone who doesn't match those standards. At best, it makes me a lovely party guest or host, but at worst, it provides me with convenient reasons for getting overly butt hurt about petty crap. So I internally told myself off and scrapped the idea of hopping on a train once they were looking the other way. This is new territory and perhaps old reaction habits have little to no application here? I'm hoping to at least use all this to examine myself and find personal growth for poor habits such as this one.
I do this too. If I am feeling shy or awkward in a situation, I get withdrawn and it comes across as if I'm upset with those around me and so they stay clear, which just makes it worse. It's a hard habbit to break and it requires being outgoing and friendly when all you want to do is hide in a corner (or go home).

Glad you had a good day.
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