And then there were three...(this is a stream of consciousness)

[Mohegan]

Karma and I got married at a courthouse. The only thing I regret is that we didn't have a religious ceremony. I don't miss the dress or all the big to do. We had a small reception at a local restaraunt. Looking back, I'm glad we didn't spend the money on it. It's not about where you have it, it's that you're doing it. Don't stress over it, enjoy it. Celebrate your love, don't stress of details you won't remember in a few years.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Mohegan

Karma and I got married at a courthouse. The only thing I regret is that we didn't have a religious ceremony. I don't miss the dress or all the big to do. We had a small reception at a local restaraunt. Looking back, I'm glad we didn't spend the money on it. It's not about where you have it, it's that you're doing it. Don't stress over it, enjoy it. Celebrate your love, don't stress of details you won't remember in a few years.

*blush*

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by SNeacail

I applaude you. I firmly believe that too much money is spent on weddings, including my own. When everything was said and done, I immediately knew that a small family BBQ would have been more fun, not to mention a lot less money, but you can't tell a 22yr old girl anything, my dad tried.

Funny, my Dad has been telling us to elope for quite some time!

[Indigomontoya]

So as TP has attested we had a discussion revolving around redefining boundaries. I always wanted her ring on mainly as a mark to stave of cowboys; but I've realized after spending a lot of time with Mr. A that he's not one.

He's been considerate of my relationship with TP, my feelings regarding our time together and more. Frankly I like him as a friend too; we get along well. All that being said, I was more than happy to make his life a little easier by letting the ring come off IF/when TP meets Mr. A's family. I told him as much, and I know Mr. A still has a touch of the other man syndrome, so I am doing all I can to show him he's welcome in my home by me and by telling him outright. I've gone ahead and extended him more time with TP, even with it's me making all of us dinner.

I guess it just clicked on the weekend that she's not going anywhere she won't come back to me...that she loves me and will be with me. Some things still have to battle out of my reptile brain, but for the first time in several months I feel 100% like I can handle this. I can handle poly.

I could attribute it to good communication, putting some of my needs first...I mean not sacrificing my needs and pushing my boundaries too far too fast to try and please TP, which I had been doing...I'm a recovering cynic, so part of me still goes back to that to say that part of it is I have found someone who wants to be with me, add to the pseudonyms: LS, and is accepting of my life, all of it. LS and TP are talking online a little bit, I still sense LS is a little hesitant, but she talks it out....and her first reaction was one I've experienced before with a twist: she had trouble coming to grips with what she felt was the finite nature of our relationship; here's the twist she was upset about hurting me....in our talk she was upset that she was eventually going to end up leaving me....so we made a deal that she will eventually leave for her 'one' and I won't hold it against her.

So I'd like to think it's a combination of those things, but I am fortunate to have stuck this out because it's helped me to start to work through my jealousy and trust issues, insecurities, and my tendency to internalize my own feelings....I have always felt like the middle child syndrome was made for me (I'm a twin, but treated like the middle child) and always put my needs second; now I am making choices I want and I need and not just sacrificing a bit of myself for people I am with or family....and it feels good.

IM

[Tonberry]

I had a small wedding and it was great. While I don't think big and/or fancy weddings are necessarily bad, I think sometimes it's more about expectations that actual wants/needs. It's important to find what would work for you, regardless of how common it is and how other people would see it.

Because I've always though marriage should be like a lease, that is, you get it for, say, 3 or 5 years, and can renew it or not (it seems ridiculous to me that one partner saying "I want a divorce" wouldn't be enough for the divorce to be effective. You need everyone involve to want the relationship for it to even exist, in my opinion), I'm more the kind to want regular vow renewals with small ceremonies rather than one single big fancy thing.

And if a wedding becomes more stressful than something you look forward to, there is a problem!

Whatever happens in the end, I hope it will be what works best for you guys and will make you very happy.

[Indigomontoya]

So tonight I told a close friend about my poly relationship, honestly thinking that I had before and she would be accepting...the background being she 'had been bi' and had a child out of wedlock, and finally married her 5th fiancée...no judgments here, those are the facts....

that being said I told her, and using advice from Mono and others I used language that she might understand rather than explain a poly relationship. Didn't quite work out so well...The argument was quite hostile. She went off about the sanctity of marriage, and why bother getting married if you are just going to $&#* someone else. I did my best to explain that poly wasn't just about the physical..it didn't take...stubborn impudence...She had the gall to discuss the sanctity of marriage when her own husband had to trick her into spending time with his family...a dick move on his part, but what husband does that...and what does it say about their marriage (I didn't tell her all that part)

then she went off about kids and telling our hypothetical, as yet unborn but not unnamed kids kids about poly:

"Good luck explaining that to your children one day. Oh yes we're married...mommy just has a bf and that's ok." to which I replied "Yes. It's done. I've spent time on a forum () reading about people married, with children and in relationships"

she went off again about that not *#&%ing up a child. I told her it would be no more traumatizing than a divorce, a loveless marriage, or an abusive home...still not through to her...and then she abruptly ended the conversation because it was 'pissing her off'...

now to her credit she ended it before she got worked up enough to pick a fight, because I generally don't like to pull punches and if I am going to have to deal with personal attacks I like to end it in a solid decimating volley of personal attacks rather than dole out jabs...just a personality flaw I guess....

This whole thing really pissed me off, not that she was reacting the way she was, but my expectations of her reactions had been different...I have taken the optimistic path (fighting the cynic in me) and said she will come around.

Ultimately I am looking at this whole thing as being a bit of a learning experience for TP and I. We've had many 'coming out' conversations, most positive, but I guess dealing with a negative conversation with a friendship that has been on the decline, and 'final nail in the coffin" as TP said, is good prep (no better words come to mind) in case of negative conversations in the future with more important people...I resisted the urge to be a champion of Poly...instead just tried to get the idea that I am happy with this across...I also resisted the urge to tell her to get off her high horse and smell the bullshit she's shovelling....

oh! and the best was her trying to explain to me that if I was in a poly relationship I couldn't live in Canada as it's Polygamy and adultery is illegal. I had to hold off cutting her down a notch, and just pointed out that polygamy is marrying multiple spouses and that adultery isn't illegal but won't do anyone any favours in a divorce...Is it adultery if we are both having it, know about the other's adultery and fully endorse it?....

IM

[SNeacail]

I admire your restaint and your positive attitude.

Adultery isn't even on divorce/seperation paperwork in California anymore.

[Indigomontoya]

I left out part of the argument where my friend called the concept of an open/poly relationship 'nonsensical selfishness' I had asked her to explain this...she really didn't other than to restate that a relationship where you can be married and be with someone else is selfish...I replied with "Expecting one person to settle for a life without all of their needs being met because I only want them to be with me is more selfish." her reply was "then why bother getting married at all?" I really really wanted to start in about monogamous marriages ending in infidelity etc. etc. etc. but restrained myself from standing on a soap box.

All in all, the argument actually helped crystallize my feelings on Poly. When I say that most conversations have been positive the number are about 10 or less conversations, maybe 3 negative. One of them, ironically was with a person in an open relationship (not poly, just open) and she had told me that I could not find an OSO or have her and others really believe I wanted a Poly relationship because I wasn't buying what I was trying to sell.

It was really true in the beginning, how could I convince people that Poly was a good thing for me if I didn't know it myself? That's really changed, and the argument this evening really helped me to codify my 'take' on poly, and my reasons for being in this with TP.

TP has said in her blog I could take it or leave it, and she's right, I could be a happy mono, but I could also be a happy poly. I choose poly because the pros outweigh the cons...I just never imagined I would be so strongly offended by someone challenging truths I didn't know I fully held before...so introverted growth all around then...

IM

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

TP has said in her blog I could take it or leave it, and she's right, I could be a happy mono, but I could also be a happy poly. I choose poly because the pros outweigh the cons...I just never imagined I would be so strongly offended by someone challenging truths I didn't know I fully held before...so introverted growth all around then...

*swoon*

[ImaginaryIllusion]

Originally Posted by Indigomontoya

I just never imagined I would be so strongly offended by someone challenging truths I didn't know I fully held before...so introverted growth all around then...

Interesting how somethings we can shift mindsets without realizing it right away.

Good on you for sticking to your guns. I haven't told any of the friends that I expect to react in such a fashion...but I'm sure it'll happen one of these days.