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Old 09-09-2010, 11:58 PM
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MsKtty89 MsKtty89 is offline
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Question Married, starting Polyandry-type relationship--info/advice?

Hey everyone. I did a Google search and was brought to this forum. I'm hoping to find and talk to people about polyandry and maybe get some first-hand information and advice.

My husband and I are a young married couple. We met when I was 15 and he was 18 and, through a lot of crazy things, got married a little over a year ago right before I turned 20. I'm now 21 and he is 23 and in the National Guard (currently mobile, then finally done with the military!).

Within the past couple weeks, a friend (who I have strong feelings for) found out he was moving very soon (work transfer went through) to be with a guy. It hit me much harder than I thought it would. This friend and I have an intimate history and we became intimate again recently. My husband didn't know at first... But, I felt the need to come clean about my feelings. I love my husband to no end, but also have loving feelings for my friend.

The conversation with my husband went surprisingly well and I was happy to discover he has similar feelings for the same friend and is very open to having another male in our relationship. We discussed how it would work emotionally, financially, and physically. None of us want children, so that isn't an issue for us.

My husband and I have discussed it with our friend. Our friend is a bit unsure of the situation, but isn't completely against it. He still plans to move, at least for now, to try out the relationship he has going there before giving us more commitment. My husband and I love our friend and have agreed that it's a good idea for him to go on this adventure before we give this an honest try. We don't want anyone to have regrets or feel held back and while my husband is away, we can't fully be together anyway.

I told our close friends how we have been feeling and all but one is supportive.

My husband and I have always been the type that have a lot of love to share and I feel very lucky that we both are in love with the same person, as well as each other.

If you have questions, please ask. I'm trying to have an open discussion about this. Does anyone have any information or advice before we get in too deep?
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Old 09-10-2010, 12:05 AM
Laughingman Laughingman is offline
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Uhh, hey all, that's my wife that made this thread. We would love any help you could give us. I'm currently in training before I deploy to afghanistan and I wouldn't mind some help with keeping the relationship fresh through that too.
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Old 09-10-2010, 01:08 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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Congrats on both of you figuring out what you want. I think for the most part, you just have to follow several poly 101 rules. Keep communication open. Be honest with what you want and don't be afraid to talk about it. Understand that other people may not value the same things you value. Feeling jealous is ok, and use it to better understand what you are feeling. Read some books on poly and see what other people on here have dealt with. Let the relationship go where it may and don't force it. And overall, let love and compersion be a guide.
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Old 09-10-2010, 01:14 AM
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Thank you, Quath.

I definitely am always preaching that communication is key and try very hard to be open.

Having confessed this to my husband and having gotten such positive feedback, I have such a confidence boost! A weight has been lifted, as they say.
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Old 09-10-2010, 06:56 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MsKtty89 View Post
I'm hoping to find and talk to people about polyandry and maybe get some first-hand information and advice.
Just wondering if these definitions wold help you find something that fits your description of yourself as it seems you are working towards polyamory rather than polyndry. Just a thought.

polyandry is the condition or practice of having more than one husband at one time. (answers.com)

polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved. (wikipedia.com)

Quote:
Originally Posted by MsKtty89 View Post
My husband and I have always been the type that have a lot of love to share and I feel very lucky that we both are in love with the same person, as well as each other.
I think it might be something to be aware of that you aren't going to bring this person into your life. You are going to share all your lives together. He has a life too and he is interested in sharing it with the two of you. That has nothing to do with how much love you have, but that you are all individuals about to share... sometimes people think that they are about to acquire a puppy from the pound rather than start a complicated, intense, and powerful journey with someone that is equal to them. Just thought I would point that out too.

It sounds like you are on the right track. There is a lot to read and learn from here. I hope you take the time to read about the pit falls and the joys... do a search to find what you are interested in. A tag search can bring more specific results on what you are seeking to learn.

good luck
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Old 09-10-2010, 03:39 PM
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MsKtty89 MsKtty89 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Just wondering if these definitions wold help you find something that fits your description of yourself as it seems you are working towards polyamory rather than polyndry. Just a thought.

polyandry is the condition or practice of having more than one husband at one time. (answers.com)

polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the full knowledge and free consent of everyone involved. (wikipedia.com)
Thanks for the definitions. Before coming to this forum, I had never heard the term polyamory before, so I just used what I knew.


Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think it might be something to be aware of that you aren't going to bring this person into your life. You are going to share all your lives together. He has a life too and he is interested in sharing it with the two of you. That has nothing to do with how much love you have, but that you are all individuals about to share... sometimes people think that they are about to acquire a puppy from the pound rather than start a complicated, intense, and powerful journey with someone that is equal to them. Just thought I would point that out too.
I think you put it to words better than I could of and I'm well aware! I am glad you pointed this out, thank you.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
It sounds like you are on the right track. There is a lot to read and learn from here. I hope you take the time to read about the pit falls and the joys... do a search to find what you are interested in. A tag search can bring more specific results on what you are seeking to learn.

good luck
I have definitely been going through and trying to read other posts, the good and the bad, and am trying to participate in the discussions. I am definitely here to learn!

Thank you so much for the response!
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:08 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Just pitching in with the terms

Polyandry is when there are several husbands for one woman, in your case it doesn't apply since the two males would be involved together too, in which case it's more of a group marriage or, leaving marriage out of it, a triad.

Polygyny is the equivalent with several women for one man, and the most well-known for of polygamy.

And as redpepper said, polyamory is the term that encompasses all of that, and more, and where marriage or the lack thereof is irrelevant

I hope that's helping you a bit with the terms. It's a lot of new vocabulary to get used to ^_^

That looks like a pretty good situation... Well, apart from the fact your friend is moving, but it looks like it went very well with your husband. Another point for honesty and openness! I hope everything turns out for you guys.
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Old 09-10-2010, 07:23 PM
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MsKtty89 MsKtty89 is offline
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Thank you so much for the terms! That does help. I have been trying to read more terms and had to look up a few things like unicorn, NRE, and NVC while reading other posts.

It does suck he is moving, but we're fairly confidant he will return at some point. We are happy to know we didn't scare him off. I didn't dream it would go as well as it did. You're right, another point for honesty and openness, indeed!

I will be seeing our friend tonight for a little while, which I'm excited for. I know it would be very easy for someone to be overwhelmed and walk away completely.
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Old 09-12-2010, 05:26 PM
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Question... Is there a way to change the title of this thread? As I've been corrected on the terms, I was hoping to fix it!

A more serious question... I guess I'm not sure what Laughingman and I should do now. We've gotten to the point where we've told our friend, M, that we love him and want him to be with us. We are being patient with him and fully realize that he is still going to move for now to try out that relationship. He said he loves us, but I can tell he's not fully comfortable with everything... Do we just wait and make sure he realizes we care for him? I guess we're a bit impatient because we're so excited.

Our one friend that didn't support us is now apologizing and we're getting back to normal... Normal as in we can talk about everything but our friend M. Does anyone else have a friend that they keep, but can't discuss their relationship(s) with? I'm hoping we get to the point where we can, I don't like censoring myself with people that are supposed to be our friends...
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Old 09-13-2010, 08:02 AM
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Yup, you wait. There is no rush here. I heard you way you are excited, but why not make that feeling last and see if it is a justified feeling. He might not want this and if you get too openly excited he might get bogged down in that rather than deciding what he wants out of all this. Patience. time will tell...

What do you want to call this thread? I can change it, or another mod.
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