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  #11  
Old 08-06-2009, 07:17 PM
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I feel for you. I really do. I remember being a lesbian and the thought of some guys penis in my woman. I was repulsed and discusted. Not to say you are, but there is no shame in that.

I also remember the trauma I put my wife of 5 years through when I came out as bi. She had very much the same reaction you are, bless her dear dear soul. I still weep over that. I would gladly have her back as one of my partners but I am now commited to a life long deep friendship with her that has been 11 years now. She keeps me on my toes with her questions and blunt honesty about her feelings towards poly. She has never and will never understand it.

When we broke off our "V" (her and my now husband), it was because I needed to follow my heart. I had had many relationships with men and had finally found a decent one. Now I have two primaries that are good good men. They do exsist. I'm sure if your partner finds one she won't settle for anything but the best. Especially considering her lesbian background!! You may very well be surprised. Be rest assured that there is a world of difference between male and female sex and intimacy. I for one have a lot of male intimacy in my life and still long for a woman, because of that difference. There is no way that she will be replacing you as far as I am concerned. It sounds, if she is at all like me, that she wants to feel whole in her sexuality. This is a good thing and can be temendously rewarding for you if you can muster up some compersion and also... This is a big one! Face your lesbian friends!

Good luck! I have more to say I think but if you read some of my past posts you may find that useful. I have talked about this before I think... ?
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  #12  
Old 08-06-2009, 07:25 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Default Haha Redpepper

No, your first sentence was right on the money. I am glad you wrote that and I am glad you understand. You can just lay it all on the table sometimes I have noticed in reading past posts and I was a little nervous of what your response would be..LOL.

Yes, there is no better way to describe the penis in my lady's v-jay jay as completely yuck! I was thinking... I don't know if I could look at it the same. How would I be able to go down on her again after feeling so sick about it. I don't want to do something that is going to ruin our intimacy.Yeah...this is a tuffy. Good thing there are no 'possibles' out there right now.
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  #13  
Old 08-06-2009, 08:26 PM
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I don't want to do something that is going to ruin our intimacy..
You and I have a lot in common in some ways I think
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  #14  
Old 08-06-2009, 08:49 PM
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I would sure hope that she would use a condom! At the very least you can be rest assured its only her you are tasting.

Sorry for the radical honesty over this one folks, but seriously safe sex should always be radically honest!

I can relate entirely to how you feel though. I think any of us can when we think of the first time we faced our partners heading out to be intimate with another. I know it pains mono deeply to think of the possibility of my being penetrated by anyone other than the three of my men. Sounds silly as there are three, but really its the unknown that is feared.


I remember my husbands first responses to my having been intimate with another man. It really helped that he knew him and had started a friendship with him beforehand. Very important to it feeling okay and acceptable.

I also remember the first time he was intimate with a woman he loved. I was extremely uncomfortable with the whole thing because she saw no value in knowing me or bothering to establish a relationship with me of any kind. I was sick to my stomach at the thought of his penis entering her and his mouth on her cunt. Blah! I still am that it even happened under those circumstances!

Needless to say, the relationship ended because of her inability to reach any kind of depth beyond sex and because of her belief that it was not important to know me.

Now my husband is seeing someone else and has my blessing. This man is respectful of our relationship and of me. He values knowing me which is important as it has become a prerequisite in his being intimate with another.

The man actually came over to me at an event we were both at and thanked me for my being open to sharing my man with him. I told him I was glad to because he is an amazing man and deserves amazing people in his life. That I was glad to share him with the right people. He is most definitely "redpepper approved!" (manners and consideration for others are so important!)

Don't forget that you have the right to make some guidelines. I always say that success in poly is based on the comfort of the most fearful. If you are not comfortable then it will not work.

You can also have the "vito" power if you both agree to it. I used it on my husband's last love. You can also find someone together for her. That way you can be more in control of who she reaches out to in pursuing another relationship.

All in good time my friend. There is no rush it seems and for that I would be grateful. You are in a good position to make this "your" journey together and that in itself is a gift. Some of us have it forced upon us.

One last thing, perhaps talking about what she misses about men and who she finds attractive would be helpful at some point too. When you can stomach it of course. Baby steps
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  #15  
Old 08-06-2009, 08:52 PM
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I'm sorry I made you nervous

I am honest and blunt for sure, but not unreasonable I hope
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  #16  
Old 08-06-2009, 08:55 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I know it pains mono deeply to think of the possibility of my being penetrated by anyone other than the three of my men. Sounds silly as there are three, but really its the unknown that is feared.

I wasn't goping to comment about this because me and AJ share this opinion. "Pains deeply" is a small way to put it, and it's definitely not just about the penis penetrating you. It's not the unknown in this case either but that is a topic not needed to be discussed here
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  #17  
Old 08-06-2009, 10:14 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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First off, to Mono...I meant comlement earlier - not comment . I am sure you got that though.

Redpepper - You have a lot of great insights. You come across as fiery, but in a good way (overall. not in the comments to me. I have felt pampered with those and it is much appreciated)

Yes. We were looking at this as journey to take together. I wanted to put it on the table as well to alleviate some of my fear of her leaving me for a man, because then she would know (and I would know) that she could approach me if she had desires and feelings she felt she needed to explore.

We just had a conversation...again...while running errands, and I told her about what I had been talking about here. I had not told her about the difference I felt about a man penetrating her because it was an intimacy we could not share, because thinking about my feelings in order to respond here was when I was able to pinpoint what it was about it. She understood my point. And yes, if this ever were to happen, it would have to be with a condom for sure. No if, ands, or buts about it. That is showing utmost respect for ones own body and for the primary partner in the relationship for sure.

Anyway, we know that we need to work more on us right now, anyway, because after 9 years, we are kinda in a rut. So, we have made a decision to table this for now, work on us, and once we are where we want to be with each other again, discuss our views and feelings then. Even not having been poly before, I have enough foresight and logic to know that there will be problems if we are not getting all that we need from each other already. We can't use others to fill a void or that is a disaster waiting to happen, and a major jealousy producing situtation.

But, I will stick around to read more and ask questions. The concept of more love is what intrigues me the most and makes it desirable. Like expanding a family. That is what I like most in the way Mono describes it. Ideally, I think if I could get over the sex part of it when it comes to her and a man, and we (I like the idea of us chosing together for that feeling of some input and control) find someone together that we can agree on and that I can see as a friend, it might be nice. Especially since I have not had many good men in my life. It would be nice for a man to love and respect me for me, not having anything to do with sex, because I don't want that. Baby baby baby steps.
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  #18  
Old 08-06-2009, 11:20 PM
AJbear77 AJbear77 is offline
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Default Ummmmm...

Redpepper - Am I to understand that you were with a woman partner in a closed relationship for 5 years, as a lesbian...came out as bi, then met your husband and eventually left her after starting a poly relationship during your relatinship with her?! LOL

hmmmmm, I must say that does NOT reassure me at all - LOL

I have always known that my partner was bi (lucky for this not to be a complete shock)...however, she has always prefered women. I think she has forgotten that since she has been with one for so long, but let's put it this way - she has 3 tatoos. The tiniest one (on her ankle) was from her grieving a man...the largest one which took 5 hours and takes up a big part of her back, was from a female. The other I think was just for the hell of it, lol. Her problem before was always meeting women..and meeting the right ones. It was hard for her to meet them, but her desire was always stonger towards women, though. So I am lucky on that front.

As for me. People are always curious. Actually, I have been with a handful of men...and after I came out as gay at 17, funny enough. I only slept with ones that were actually friends and that I cared about. It is just not my thing. I could have casual sex with them, but I never could with women because that is where all my emotions lie...the fireworks. But I don't like casual sex, and just don't prefer sex with men. Just have to put that out there for anyone who is thinking who knows what...because I have heard it ALL as to theories of why I am gay. It is not because I need the right man. It just IS.
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  #19  
Old 08-07-2009, 03:30 AM
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I am sure you are "not reassured" by my having left my wife to be with my now husband. As I said earlier though, she was not able to let me be me and in the end we both decided that it was not healthy for either of us.... also, as I said, I have mourned the loss of her ever since and have shaped my love into a deep friendship now. I will always love her.... she was here last night and I couldn't keep my eyes off of her. Even when she asked me some really hard questions about Mono and my husband and what I would do if I ever found myself loving one more than the other...

No, I am not the one who left. If she could find it in her heart to accept the way I am and be intimately close again, I would be in heaven! She is by far my ideal woman. It has made it really hard to search for another I can tell you.
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  #20  
Old 08-07-2009, 03:44 AM
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Even when she asked me some really hard questions about Mono and my husband and what I would do if I ever found myself loving one more than the other...

It has made it really hard to search for another I can tell you.
I would hope you always love your husband more, I'm quite comfortable in that. I've said before that I think he is the only one who has ever loved you more than me. He has strenghts and understanding that I don't. I respect that and love him for it. That is why I feel we are all meant to share life together.

I'm sorry it is so hard for you, Love.

AJ,

if she finds some one who holds your primary relationship as sacred as I do Redpepper and her husband's, I believe you'll be fine emotionaly at least.

Take care
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