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  #11  
Old 09-07-2010, 07:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
Just don't get confused and drool on Indigo every time you go to hug him
That usually happens when she falls asleep on me.


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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Ooh. Beef jerky. Are you listening, sweetie?
You think you're making a joke, just wait until I start in the Pavlovian Bell and liver treats disguised as jerky.
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  #12  
Old 09-07-2010, 11:42 PM
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Oh, I so empathize with Indigo. I look at Easy with Asha, and how happy he is when he's with her, how carefree he looks and relaxed, and I think, "Wow, I can't give him that. We have children, we have bills, I have to take care of real life, and I don't make him smile like that. What am I doing here? I don't make him happy. I'm ruining his life and I ought to just let him go so that he can be happy."

I'll be honest, I'm struggling with this right now, too. I think the root of our current problem is that Easy forgets how much touch means to me. He will say "I love you" ten times in a five minute conversation but completely forget to touch me all day. If you're worried about hugging being manipulative, I can assure you that when Easy says he loves me so much, it feels like manipulation to me, but touch is honest. I don't touch people I don't want to be around. I don't touch a lot of people, period. If I go willingly into a hug, you are obviously important to me. So when Easy says he loves me over and over, I hear, "I want you to do something for me" but when he touches me, it feels like, "I like having you around."

If this sounds like Indigo, then the best thing you can do for him is to make sure that you touch him, even if you just brush across him shoulders as you pass by, but much better if you make sure that there's a fair amount of snuggling. You are not manipulating! You're making him feel better. Gah. I hope I managed to stay on topic.
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  #13  
Old 09-08-2010, 05:50 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Gary Chapman discusses this sort of thing in his book "The Five Love Languages". How we experience "love" can vary from person to person, just as you've noted. Rather than "manipulation" I look at it in terms of giving a "gift" to someone. When I select a gift for someone else, I get them something I know they want....something that has meaning for them. It's not necessarily something I'd want or something that has meaning for me. So, we give our lovers a "gift" when we express our love for them in a way that has meaning for them. For me, manipulation would be if I gave someone a gift I knew they'd like because I wanted/expected something from them in return.
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  #14  
Old 09-08-2010, 01:59 PM
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Me-Of course the way you and Indigo are navigating the situation is a more somber and studied process than between you and Mr.A, because you have more history and maybe more tendency to predict each others behavior.
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TruckerPete-Would you mind clarifying this part?
Tp- I don't know why I said somber. Weird word. I was thinking about laughter and spontaneity and how it's harder to break routines that have had time to develop. I was thinking about how easy it is to have fun with someone who isn't aware of all your ups and downs, where there isn't a lot of history, just living in the moment. The connection you have with a new person is all possibility, whereas a connection that has developed through time is full of all kinds of delicate information that is triggered not only in a tough spot, but in the everyday.

Anyway, I hope you and Indigo can get a good laugh at my scattered thinking.
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  #15  
Old 09-08-2010, 03:00 PM
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Tp- I don't know why I said somber. Weird word. I was thinking about laughter and spontaneity and how it's harder to break routines that have had time to develop. I was thinking about how easy it is to have fun with someone who isn't aware of all your ups and downs, where there isn't a lot of history, just living in the moment. The connection you have with a new person is all possibility, whereas a connection that has developed through time is full of all kinds of delicate information that is triggered not only in a tough spot, but in the everyday.

Anyway, I hope you and Indigo can get a good laugh at my scattered thinking.
Okay, that makes MUCH more sense! Thank you!

LD - You did make help and hearing that others are similar to Indigo is reassuring. Also, I liked your idea about scheduled cuddle time in another post. Makes sense, even if it feels forced at first.

DFS - I have heard reference to this book. I will have to look it up ... What are the other three languages, if you know off the top of your head?

Last edited by TruckerPete; 09-08-2010 at 03:01 PM. Reason: more fricken' typos
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  #16  
Old 09-08-2010, 07:25 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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http://www.5lovelanguages.com/learn-...ove-languages/

Words of Affirmation
Actions don’t always speak louder than words. If this is your love language, unsolicited compliments mean the world to you. Hearing the words, “I love you,” are important—hearing the reasons behind that love sends your spirits skyward. Insults can leave you shattered and are not easily forgotten.
Quality Time
In the vernacular of Quality Time, nothing says, “I love you,” like full, undivided attention. Being there for this type of person is critical, but really being there—with the TV off, fork and knife down, and all chores and tasks on standby—makes your significant other feel truly special and loved. Distractions, postponed dates, or the failure to listen can be especially hurtful.
Receiving Gifts
Don’t mistake this love language for materialism; the receiver of gifts thrives on the love, thoughtfulness, and effort behind the gift. If you speak this language, the perfect gift or gesture shows that you are known, you are cared for, and you are prized above whatever was sacrificed to bring the gift to you. A missed birthday, anniversary, or a hasty, thoughtless gift would be disastrous—so would the absence of everyday gestures.
Acts of Service
Can vacuuming the floors really be an expression of love? Absolutely! Anything you do to ease the burden of responsibilities weighing on an “Acts of Service” person will speak volumes. The words he or she most want to hear: “Let me do that for you.” Laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for them tell speakers of this language their feelings don’t matter.
Physical Touch
This language isn’t all about the bedroom. A person whose primary language is Physical Touch is, not surprisingly, very touchy. Hugs, pats on the back, holding hands, and thoughtful touches on the arm, shoulder, or face—they can all be ways to show excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are crucial, while neglect or abuse can be unforgivable and destructive.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-08-2010 at 07:27 PM.
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  #17  
Old 09-08-2010, 07:43 PM
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So, building on the previous post, for example, my love language is physical touch. As a matter of fact, I scored so high in this one that I didn't have a secondary. After much struggling, Easy learned that no matter how furious I am with him, if he can sneak his hand somewhere where there is exposed skin, I start calming down. It's not manipulative--I don't want to be that angry or upset. He's helping me, and it makes me feel better.

He, on the other hand, is an Acts of Service guy. It used to be that, in the middle of a fight, he'd pop up and leave the room. Turned out he was doing the dishes to show he loved me, and he never understood why I didn't think this was fabulous (until we read the book) and I never understood how he could just walk out when we were trying to hash through things.

Even though the book has a bit of a religious bent, I think it's well worth reading, and it's a quick read. We struggled for years and years, ripping our hair out in frustration because we couldn't figure out how to really communicate with each other.
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  #18  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:11 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Even though the book has a bit of a religious bent, I think it's well worth reading, and it's a quick read. We struggled for years and years, ripping our hair out in frustration because we couldn't figure out how to really communicate with each other.
I'm with you on this one Lemondrop. I could do without the religious bent, but I think the information is worth overlooking that aspect if it doesn't match one's personal belief system.
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  #19  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:14 PM
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dragaonflysky, thanks for bringing up the five love languages... great book. We all three of us read it and use it. My men are touchers and words on affirmation first. I am an acts of service type. It has been really helpful to know this...

Tuckerpete, welcome to a whole lot of endless work.... this kind of thing goes on and on, and so it should. Once I decided not to be surprised and afraid of it, I was able to welcome every time one of my men or Derby had something going on. Now I am unafraid and welcome anything anyone has going on as a result and almost feel lost if there is nothing going on.... just one more step I think..

On the note of laughing, PN and I hadn't laughed for ages and I hadn't realized how much I miss hearing him. He has a great laugh. This past weekend I caught him laughing and all of us laughed together. Nothing like it. The best part was it was about something the boy did and he was laughing too! Feels so good and makes me feel like we are all good when that happens.
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  #20  
Old 09-08-2010, 08:36 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Tuckerpete, welcome to a whole lot of endless work.... this kind of thing goes on and on, and so it should. Once I decided not to be surprised and afraid of it, I was able to welcome every time one of my men or Derby had something going on. Now I am unafraid and welcome anything anyone has going on as a result and almost feel lost if there is nothing going on.... just one more step I think..
Oh, I have caught on to the endless work part ... Hence my blog title!

We're working through this round of things. It's positive, but that doesn't make it easy.
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