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  #21  
Old 09-08-2010, 12:39 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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I do need a big hug, and I need to know that the hurting is going to stop. I can't even talk this over with Easy because he's working *all the time*. I don't feel like Easy did anything wrong, but I do feel *so rejected*. I hate this.
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  #22  
Old 09-08-2010, 12:53 AM
Jade Jade is offline
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Is Sunday still in the picture at all?
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  #23  
Old 09-08-2010, 01:46 AM
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Sunday is a complicated situation for me. I guess the bottom line is that I'm trying to be friends with him and not let my feelings for him get in the way. He's still married to Asha, and he's there whenever we're at their house. He treats me kindly but impersonally. I hug him and kiss him goodbye when we leave, which is a big deal for me but I doubt it is for him. I have not been intimate with him since October of 2009.
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  #24  
Old 09-08-2010, 04:37 PM
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Since there are actually people reading this, I'll report that I *finally* got to have a talk with Easy, late last night. (Worked really really late, causing me to grumble about inconsiderate bosses who want to destroy marriages) I think we set down some solid ideas for solving this issue and no one is walking out. Things are much better today--then again, maybe we're just too exhausted to feel much of anything.

For my entertainment, and hopefully not your irritation:

Rockstar (poking my jiggly arm, which has a lot of extra skin because I've lost a fair amount of weight): Your arms are like marshmallows.
Me: Yeah, I guess they kind of are like marshmallows.
Rockstar (bites my arm and makes a face): You don't taste like marshmallow.
Me: Ow! No, I don't!
Rockstar (waits a few seconds, then bites me again): You still don't taste like marshmallow.

Since then, every child in the family has taken a turn biting my arm to see if I taste like marshmallow. I'm getting quite paranoid.
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  #25  
Old 09-08-2010, 04:43 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
Since then, every child in the family has taken a turn biting my arm to see if I taste like marshmallow. I'm getting quite paranoid.
Just add crackers and chocolate and we can make smores!
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  #26  
Old 09-09-2010, 04:56 PM
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Thanks, Mono, you're a ton of help. :P Please don't mention that to any of my kids, will you? They'd all think it was a hoot to try!

I'm feeling better, emotionally, today. I think that the biggest problem, in retrospect, is that Easy and Asha triggered old abandonment issues in me, plus Easy used to have a history of neglecting me. The neglect we've been working on, so we just continue that work. The abandonment issue I constantly work on, but it's so old and so ingrained that I worry that it will never go away.

I am overwhelmed with missing Asha today. What with her constant traveling this summer and various family commitments we've both been dealing with, we haven't had much time together, and suddenly it's all built up to this drowning need to cuddle up to her. But, I have this inner ear thing going on and I'm horribly motion sick whenever I move too much, so I don't think I'll get to drive to see her today. I'm hoping to be able to alleviate some of this wanting this weekend. I also want to cuddle up to Sunday, but I think it would be a bad idea. I miss him too. I had hoped that I would stop pining by now.
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  #27  
Old 09-13-2010, 06:11 PM
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I had a great but exhausting weekend. On Friday, we went to a fundraiser for a dog rescue with Asha and Sunday and some of our other friends. When Sunday was ready to leave (Asha was staying) he went to hug me, and I said no, I was walking him to the car. Then, when we got to the car, he went to hug me and I said, no, I need to have a quick chat with you. I was really a little upset because it had been suggested that he might be on the lookout for another girlfriend, which he had promised me in the past that he would give me some warning if he was going to. So I pinned him down by the car and made him talk to me. This is so much harder than it sounds--he hates communicating, and is difficult to talk to at the best of times. I have a really hard time saying difficult things. We are a pretty bad combination, communication-wise. But, I told him that I felt he'd been distant, and that I needed to know for sure if he wanted me in his life. He said, of course! Like there couldn't have been any doubt. See me rolling my eyes. The short of it is, he said he wasn't going anywhere and that he would tell me if he wanted out. I don't really know what to think. I realized that I don't have a lot of hope or faith in the future of our relationship, but I want to. I mean, how can we succeed if I've already decided we're going to fail? I desperately want what Asha and Easy have. I want that easy, comfortable feeling that you can touch your love whenever you want, hugs and kisses whenever, and you won't be pushed away. Okay, I'll admit this too, but I might delete it later--I would love to have an intimate relationship with Sunday. I know that sex isn't everything, and I'm trying very hard to internalize that, but I miss being intimate with him. But I know I can feel okay with just hugs and kisses and cuddling, if we can work our way back to that.

We ran into Asha and Sunday while out and about, and spent some fun time with them that was kind of dampened by my mother's passive-agressive temper tantrum when she discovered that I had not gone straight home. She had Monkey and wanted to drop her off, and was ticked at me because I didn't ask her if she had other plans.

On Sunday we went to Asha and Sunday's house. Easy and Sunday bottled their mead while Asha and I kind of hung out. I've been feeling very...ousted, I guess...since last Sunday. Those wonderful old feelings of being the odd man out. So I'm insecure, needy, clingy, hurt. I'm hiding it, of course, from everyone but Easy, who is very patient with me. What would be the point of sharing it? No one did anything wrong, I just need to move on. I'm trying. I tried to make myself feel better by cuddling up with Asha on the couch, and it did help a little. Later, when I went upstairs to fix a toy for Ocean, I got the feelings back because everyone was downstairs laughing and having a good time and I felt excluded. I want this to go away. Would it be unfair of me to ask Asha for a little more cuddle time to see if that would help? I know that this is my issue, my flaw. Would it be unfair to explain to Asha how I'm feeling in the hope that she has some insight, or would it just be making her feel bad for no reason?

I felt good to watch the boys bonding. I've been worried that my relationship with Sunday--or lack thereof--was driving a wedge between them. Easy gets angry with Sunday when he gets distant, like he's been. Easy thinks it should be easy, like it is with him and Asha. I will admit, at one point I was outside with Sunday, standing two feet away from him, both of us with our hands in our pockets, looking into the kitchen where Easy and Asha were talking. Easy stood right next to Asha, his should touching her shoulder. When she would move, he would touch her in various ways. He'd put his arms around her. He'd stick his hands in her pockets. They were happy. I thought, I don't fit. They both love and want to be around Asha, and here I am, too scared to say anything or even stand too close. I keep wondering how much happier everyone would be if I weren't here, making Sunday feel awkward and holding Easy back.

These are all somber thoughts, and I need to stress that I had a wonderful time and was very happy most of the time. The darker thoughts just stay with me, partially because I'm working through the issues brought forward again by last Sunday, and partially because I have a hormonal imbalance that causes me to spiral sometimes. I wish that I could find a way to remove that trigger that makes me feel crazy when I'm left out of things; I wish I could find a way to make my relationship with Sunday more what I would like it to be. I'm confused and I don't know what the path forward looks like. Growing is hard, right?
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  #28  
Old 09-13-2010, 09:10 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Lemondrop-

This thought is running through my head, so bare with me if it isn't pertinent or is confusing...

Maca had (has) MAJOR insecurity issues in regards to our relationship, particularly since I cheated on him with GG before we ever agreed to polyamory.

One of the things I told him that has helped A LOT (by his own admission and my observations as well) is that when he's feeling insecure, "get involved".
He often feels insecure because he feels left out or uninvolved AND THEREFORE unwanted/unneeded. But the truth is that we aren't AWARE of these emotions inside of him, if we did, we would WANT to help.
SO, if he's feeling uninvolved or left out-now he comes up and GETS involved.
Example, if I am cuddling on the couch with GG and Maca feels that way, he will come over and ask to cuddle too. We'll reconfigure (if necessary, though usually there is already room) and pull him into our cuddle moment. Then he gets the attention and loving that he needs to feel reassured.


Here's the kicker ok.... IT DOES NOT BOTHER GG OR I. In fact, it makes both of us feel BETTER when he lets us know that something is bothering him. BECAUSE-we can ALREADY TELL that SOMETHING is wrong, and if he doesn't say anything we're left feeling somewhat "left out" by him.

ALL OF THAT to say-

I think you NEED to tell Asha.
You go into great detail about how difficult it is to talk with Sunday, how difficult to communicate. That is her husband. She's well used to that type of "non-communication". So if you are CHOOSING to keep your emotions to yourself, you are effectively tying her hands.
She might actually feel GOOD about you telling her that you are having a struggle and needing some reassurance. It might make her feel like she has the ability to do something good for YOU by cuddling you, reassuring you.

It's not a matter of asking her to NOT do the things she is doing with Easy. It's a matter of asking her to do some things with you ALSO.

If it were me and Maca (with you and Easy) and you were keeping it to yourself.. I am unbelievably good at "sensing" an internal struggle. I'd be frustrated with you not confiding in me as a FRIEND. You are a quad-and by your own admission friends.
If on the otherhand you said, "I love knowing that you and Easy are so close and comfortable with one another. I wouldn't want to change that. It's just that right now I'm really feeling emotional and need some TLC." I would feel like you opened a door to me and I would WANT to help you with that. I would want to give you attention and TLC.....
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  #29  
Old 09-13-2010, 10:33 PM
Jade Jade is offline
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That was beautifully said, Loving Radiance.

Keep writing, Lemon Drop. There is something about what you write I find helpful.
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  #30  
Old 09-14-2010, 02:19 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Thank you, LR, I think you're right. I'm working on what to say and how to say it. I think I'll e-mail, which is not ideal--you can't read emotion well in e-mail--but I also often feel like I don't actually say what I tried to say when I attempt it in person. I guess I just realized that I'm also uncomfortable with e-mail because written words can be used against you. I'm scared.

My problem is, Asha was my closest friend, the one that you can tell anything and get an honest answer, and the one who had the most insight. Now, I hide from her because I guess maybe I'm scared she won't love me if she sees the real me. I'm scared to be too needy, too clingy, to neurotic, too angry, too weak, too whiny, so I try to project this image and hide when I'm scared or hurt or even just crabby. I just might be waiting for someone to leave me. As I said, I have a lot of trouble with faith.

I'm not very brave. I'm going to do it, though.

Thank you, Jade. I find being helpful a compliment, so I'm happy.
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