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  #11  
Old 09-07-2010, 04:27 AM
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TeJoKo TeJoKo is offline
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Originally Posted by Derrythe View Post
From what you have written it seems like Korre started a new romance with Amber, so he's likely deep in the throes of NRE and very exited about the new relationship. This is leading him to pay less attention to you than you're used to which hurts, and the fact that the communication between the three of you is very poor makes it seem like she is distracting him from you on purpose which may not be the case. Meanwhile Korre is playing a kind of balancing act, trying to make you happy, trying to make things work with Amber, and getting what may seem to him like mixed signals from you. First you tell him everything is ok, go ahead, then you tell him to back off and pay attention to you which you then contradict when you choose him to be the one who helps her out.

Now, that may sound like an attack on you, but it really isn't. I'm only trying to condense the problem down in a shorter for to see if I have the basic idea or not. From what I see, if that is basically right, having a talk between the three of you, maybe with your husband and boyfriend (one of which is Joe don't remember the other) as mediators to help facilitate seems like the best idea, either way everyone needs to get their problems and expectations out in the open so everyone can know where they stand. Hopefully it will go well for you, you must be a pretty awesome woman to have three men who seem to care for you so much. God bless.
You're right. We all had a talk last night after I posted this and things went well. A lot came out that needed to, and I still feel good today. A lot of problems between me and Korre that were already there came up, and that flip-flopping was one of them. Then Amber told him that he will end up getting that from her too. In fact, all the guys said that all the women they know do that. So, I am guessing that it is probably very hard to find any woman who doesn't flip-flop from time to time. That is no excuse, I know. When I realized I was doing it I started specifying that I feel like this right now, knowing I might not feel the same later.
Thank you for your support and advice, I do appreciate it.
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  #12  
Old 09-07-2010, 04:40 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I could see from the first few lines that this seems to be a matter of too much too fast... way to fast! Its one thing to be happy and full of compersion for your love to have good first date and first fuck, but to have her move in with you and go on holiday with you is just way too fast. Giving and accepting or not, I think you forgot to be giving and accepting of your limits.

Now he is way into his NRE without any real separation from Amber in order to get a handle on that. On what he has in your tribe and in you. He didn't take the time to adjust to his feelings and take the space to go over it all with you and the others...

Of course she is going to bug. No matter what someone does, when they have suddenly appeared in your life and are suppose to mean something, they are going to bug. Taking that into account as your internal way of defending your position in his life is important. Your instinct is telling you that she is a threat. Trust that and do what you need to do to make sure you can get back to that same feeling on the first night...

How do you do that? Request that they go back to dating. She needs her own place to do that and then they will need to plan with you about when would be a good date time.

Of course he may not be so cool with that if he is in the throngs of NRE, but that doesn't mean that you can't ask for what you need and remind him that you have a relationship to work on also. If he loves you the way he says he does then I would think he would be interested in making sure that you are okay and would be willing to work towards a mutual comfort for all.
You are right. I feel like everyone here is right. Our talk last night went well, and they are back to seeing each other slowly and when I am not around for now. Tonight my husband and I are in a hotel in Seattle for a couple nights just to get away and be alone. Korre will see Amber tonight in a hotel, because none of us feel that our home is a good place for a baby (too many firearms and pocketknives and not much ventilation. And if we let a baby come over now we could end up obligated to let a toddler come over later, and that just won't work). We have agreed that they will take things slowly and I don't have to see it for now until I am more comfortable. Knowing it is going on but not seeing it will help.
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  #13  
Old 09-07-2010, 04:52 AM
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Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
Kudos to her for getting out of TWO bad situations. But this is all the more reason not to jump into things with you guys. Agreed with RP. Too much, too fast, mucho NRE. Taking in people with serious life crises going on while in the throes of NRE has not worked well for the majority of posters on this board. Move her into her own place, even if this takes a plan and quite some weeks to put into action. You ALL need the space, even her.

I don't think her child will make matters any easier, since you have said both you and hubby dislike children.

Also, you have been an established tribe for much of your adult lives. I wonder if you ever needed to develop the special brand of "poly communication"? From your back story, it sounds like everything really fell into place with Korre and husband.

I would start reading as though you're new to this. Encourage your family to do the same. Encourage Amber to do the same. If it's going to work, you've got some self work to do too! You've been the centre of your mens' attentions for quite a while. It's natural to feel jealous, but it's going to suck.

Just my random thoughts about the situation. Keep us posted.
Things did just fall into place. I naturally had poly emotions, but you are right about us never having to develop poly communication. The lack of communication has been a big issue. We are working on that. The talk last night went well, and everyone got a chance to voice their feelings to everyone else. It was good, very helpful. Scheduled 'family' discussions should become a regular part of our lives, especially when things are going rough.
Korre found a website that has a bunch of tips and has shared the site with everyone. It pretty much all seems like stuff I know, but reading it is giving me more confidence in how to deal with this stuff. You know what I mean? So are all of you, here. It is so encouraging to get feedback from people who don't blame the problems on the type of relationship, but see the problems within the relationship. Thank you for your understanding and encouragement.
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