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Old 09-05-2010, 08:00 PM
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TeJoKo TeJoKo is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Lakewood, WA
Posts: 66
Default I am here because I am hurting.

Note: We have been in a polyamorous relationship for years, but have been doing it without any guidance. We could really use some support and advice.

This is an extension to my introduction. I was originally going to post it all there, but it is way too long. I will repost the last paragraph of the story I posted there so this one can stand on its own...

I want feedback from some older, more experienced people, people who have been there and understand where I am coming from, where he was coming from, and won't negatively judge the kind of relationship we have. We are young... I just turned 26, my boyfriend Korre is 27, his best friend Joe is almost 27, my husband Jon 28, and this new girl Amber is only 21. (26 is still young, right?)

Last week my boyfriend, Korre got in contact with a former co-worker who he had a crush on. It turns out she is getting a divorce and also had a crush on him. He made a date with her for Wednesday (week and a half ago). I have had a crush on his best friend Joe for a while, but was always under the impression that Korre would be jealous if I went for one of his friends. We talked about that and he encouraged me to go for him. So I went out with Joe night. We both had sex that night with our new flings, and when she was gone and I returned home, Korre and I stayed up late talking and being happy. There were no hurt feelings that night, none at all. (Just confirmed again, there were none.) Everything was good. There was talk that this girl might be the right girl for us. That idea excited me. I want my men to have another woman in their lives, like I have them. The next day Korre called me up from work and told me that Amber had just gotten kicked out of her mom's house, where she was staying since the separation, and he asked if she could stay with us for a couple days. I said yes, anything she needs. I am generally a very accepting, loving, giving person. ...This is when the problems started.
Thursday night was alright. I was a little tiny bit jealous of the attention he spent with her, and knowing another girl was in my spot in his bed, but that is a normal feeling which I have felt before when he's had those one night flings. Joe was also staying with us that night to keep me company, so it was nice. There were a couple signs that things weren't going quite right, (she talked quietly to him more than to the group, and spent most texting or emailing on her phone) but they were mild and I attributed them to her situation and shyness.
My husband, Jon has been in Afghanistan, and was coming home for leave on Friday. So, Friday his friend left for work and we left to pick my husband up from the airport. On the ride I interrupted Korre's singing along to a song to tell him of a childhood memory the song just invoked. He looked and responded to me in an irritated manner, which isn't uncommon for him, but but it really hurt me in that moment and I got teary eyed. We picked my husband up and went to eat. After that we were dropped off at home and Korre took Amber to her ex's house to see her baby and went to work himself. That night I knew Korre was going to be home from work late because he had to pick her up but I sent him a text message at about the time he would normally be home asking him "eta? I just miss you". I thought he would have his phone turned on by then, and was pretty bummed when I didn't get a response, and he got home little more than a half hour later. I am normally waiting outside or go outside to greet when when he gets home. That night when he got home I rushed outside to greet him and he said hi and went straight to the back of the vehicle to get her stuff. They came in and went straight into his room. They left the door open, but he told me not to go in there because he had a birthday present for me in there. She plugged in her laptop and wanted to show him something on the computer, which took 5 minutes. Jon and Joe were there so Korre didn't feel like I needed his time and our regular routine as much as I did. But that really hurt me. They came out and spent time with the group, but she still didn't talk to me much, never came outside when we all went out to smoke but did go outside when Korre went out alone. I was feeling jealous, like really jealous. I've NEVER felt that before. I was hurt and angry (still am), and I felt like she was taking my place. We had plans to go camping the next day, Saturday, for my birthday which was on Sunday. I expressed how I did not want to feel like this over my birthday and would really prefer she not go. Since she didn't seem to have anywhere else to go I told Korre that he could stay here with her. He did not want to miss my birthday, so after a lot of talking he convinced me that he would give me more attention and that it would be okay for her to come camping with us.
Saturday came and we got a late start. Korre asked me if I wanted him to clear a space in the Tahoe so I can ride with him and her. Of course I'd have the front seat, but I didn't really want to ride with the both of them and chose to ride with Joe instead. I chose Joe over my husband mostly because my husband's truck was old, mold smelling, and just generally uncomfortable. We stopped half way to get groceries and eat lunch. all through walmart Korre walked behind with Amber, while I moved my normal 'lets get this done with' speed. A couple times I had to wait for them to catch up and to get his attention to show him something. It hurt to not have that attention, and to have it removed so suddenly. On the rest of the drive I started to get upset that she was in my seat in the Tahoe. I felt like I was being replaced even in my own vehicle. When we showed up a minutes or two behind everyone else, Korre had already parked in the way of the area that has always been used as the bathroom. We agreed to discuss it but no one had any suggestions and it felt like I was the one expected to come up with suggestions just because I was the only one who didn't like that configuration. (In all fairness, the male brain is much better at spacial awareness than the female brain. Three males and one other female all waited on me for spacial ideas.) I got frustrated, told them I didn't care how they moved it but I wanted that area open... and walked down the road to find another place to pee.
I was gone maybe 5-10 minutes, and almost back when Korre came out to find me and talk to me. I was still frustrated, and wasn't done having my alone time. I was angry when I walked back to the camp site. Nothing had been done yet, and that frustrated me a little bit more. The memory of the next couple minutes is kind of blurred, but after a bit Joe and I were going to talk a walk and talk but he got caught up with something so my husband walked off with me. We talked a bit and he said he would take Korre and Amber aside separately and talk to them. He did took her first and he and I talked before he walked away with Korre. They were gone a long while and Joe, Amber, and I sat and talked happily. Korre and Jon came back and I went and talked to Jon a little bit. We came back and it was getting pretty late. Things were going well, I was comfortable with what was going on until Korre suggested we sleep in the vehicles instead of setting up tents because it was getting late. I started getting uncomfortable with the idea of her sleeping in my seat in the Tahoe, where I have slept camping many times. But I was dealing with the idea until I heard her say to Korre that she was going to climb across his seat and the center console to get to her seat. That just pissed me off. That was it. The passenger door was accessible, she just didn't want to brush against a branch that could have just been cut out of the way. I felt like she was not at all respecting our vehicle and I felt like he was letting her disrespect our vehicle. It started a fight. I was yelling, bitching about everything, including her. I accidentally said something that hurt Joe and he sped out of there. I tried to stop him with a sincere apology but he is a lot like me, he needed space first. The fighting continued. It didn't occur to me that she was sitting in the vehicle and could hear me, but I should have known she wouldn't walk off by herself in the dark. She's not got a lot of outdoors experience and was kind of scared of the things that are everyday normal for me (like crickets and the dark forest). She came out yelling back at me, mostly defending Korre, and that pissed me off more. (I do admit I have anger problems, but I'm working on that.) I told her she was no longer welcome in my home and decided I wanted to leave, so my husband and I pack up to go as Korre comforts her while she is crying. We left, or, tried to. We got to a fork, and Jon is fairly unfamiliar with the area and I don't drive, so we picked a way. It didn't look right but the other way didn't look right to him either so we went back to ask for assistance out. Korre and I talked a little, and we decided that Amber would ride with my Jon while I rode with Korre to talk. About 10 minutes down the dirt road when its a straight shot out we let them pass us so I could pee again. A few minutes later we caught up and they were stopped in the road with a popped tire. At about 1:30 am we unpacked both vehicles, decided what we could leave in the cab of the truck, and played Tetris with the Tahoe. This went so very smoothly. Situation like that tend to be very sobering, no matter what the 'drunk' is. So, we got home and all went to bed. Amber slept in Korre's bed, he slept on the couch. By the time I woke up the next afternoon she was gone and Jon and Korre had been up for hours.

(Continued Below, in reply...)
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