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Old 09-02-2010, 02:34 AM
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idealist idealist is offline
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Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 545

I totally understand. I have been very desperate and fearful of losing a lover. But it's not logical. I don't know how old you are, but that does tend to make a difference as life's lessons begin to sink in with age! The key is to focus on yourself. The very powerful fear of rejection and fear of abandonment are so intense that if we are unable to keep them in check, we will find ourselves actually sabotaging relationships which is just the thing we DON'T want. Each of us are born alone and each of us will all die alone. If we can accept that to the core of our being, we will no longer have these issues.
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:59 PM
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candi candi is offline
Join Date: May 2010
Location: Maine
Posts: 24

In our case, we all agreed to be mono with each other. I know that our bf and gf would be very upset if we were to take on other lovers. And indeed it would change everything, from how it is now. Seems as though if a few days go by, without getting with them, we miss them, and can't wait to hang together. Lately, my hubby has been out straight with work, so he's been so tired, that we have been going days in between seeing them. Last night, we all got together, to have a few drinks, but didn't do a sleep over, because my hubby has another long day to bust out. (he's been painting a huge house, and for the last 5 days, it's been high 90's, he's spent the day in full sun, and it's probably about 120, three stories up) Today, he's on a local job, so we have all set up picnic's for lunch....gf will go to my hubby's jobsite and they will enjoy some lunch and time together, as will myself and my bf. I'm looking forward to it,,,it's been awhile since we have done a lunch outting, and it may be as simple as hopping in the truck and sitting by one of our local lakes...but just being together is wonderful.
So my point is,,,in our case, I believe it's pretty much all or nothing...if my hubby gets that bored, and wants other's...gf will throw him to the curb, and he knows it. They both would be so hurt, I just don't think they would be able to handle it. They enjoy Poly, just in our tight quad...don't think they would explore the possibilities of new partners. I'm good with that for now...I can't predict the future about that, and I am fully satisfied w my hubby and my bf. I know what I would do if the shoe was on the other foot, and they wanted to take on other partner's...I think I would have a slight attitude over it at first, and then I would be on a search for a second bf...just how I am. Hope this all works out for you...I know you would rather have things stay right as they are, as our bf/gf would too. candi
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Old 09-05-2010, 01:02 AM
confusedbutterfly confusedbutterfly is offline
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 6

Well.....after a ton of thought and deliberation, I decided to give him my "ok".

I do need to work on myself and I don't want to have a time limit on it because then its about "the issue" and not *my* issues separately. Also, if I didn't give my "ok" in a year, well, I didn't want to go there any more in my head. And with that, I was tired of going back and forth - it was getting exhausting, especially on something that wasn't taking place yet.

I told him that my expectations were that he still needed to be there for me, love me, and be there on the two nights I get per week. We hang out for an hour everyday, but there's two nights that he sleeps over at my house. And that *has* to be kept the same in order for this to be "ok" with me. He understands that completely.

The posts from everyone on this thread helped me immensely. I was able to relay to him about the jealousy and possessiveness. Its not mine, and mine isn't his, so we can do what we like. And jealousy coming from my own issues - those I was working on and will continue to work on anyway.

Plus, if someone else were to come along and get my attention, I would feel pretty crappy saying "sure!" and yet, still holding my bf to that year.

I don't want to be the one to keep him from doing what he wants to do. I love him and we may have great times and not so great times, but we're in it for the long haul, whatever that may be.

I will for sure be on here more. Just been dealing with this. lol
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