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  #11  
Old 05-11-2010, 03:53 AM
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I had decided to call it quits with Sunday after Asha came back, but the day before she arrive he suddenly started telling me he loved me when we talked and kissing me spontaneously. I was baffled and hopeful. It was short-lived.

We've had some fairly good family moments. Rockstar has actually stopped telling me he hates me, and all of the kids seem to be getting along. Moose even was incredibly well-behaved this weekend, when he has a history of being short-tempered with small kids and sulky with adults.

I'm trying very hard not to admit to myself that I don't think Sunday is capable of having more than one woman in his life. I feel like trying is making him miserable. I don't want to end our relationship, but I think it might be kinder to him and to Asha. I'm so sad.
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  #12  
Old 05-12-2010, 12:43 AM
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Well,
my heart goes out to you lemondrop.
I don't know what I could possibly say-you sound heartbroken.

Big hugs!
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  #13  
Old 05-12-2010, 02:54 AM
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Honestly, I'm trying very hard not to be. I'm trying to be a mature adult and tell myself that it just didn't work out, and I don't have less love now and that these things happen. But really, I feel rejected, and frightened about what this means for my future, and lonely, and insecure, and used, and deep-down sad. I'm trying not to think about it too much. I'm trying very hard not to be angry at myself for not being psychic enough to prevent pain, or "worth it" for Sunday. Easy's being very patient with me, but also let me give myself credit for working really hard on being in charge of my emotions, because I'm working *really*hard*.

Really we all need to sit down and talk. I don't think all four of us have managed to be in the same room for long sans children in months. Sunday and I both come from backgrounds where you *do*not*talk*about*it*ever* so it's going to be fun. I need, before I get completely hysterical, to find out what Asha wants to do. It adds a horrifyingly vulnerable element that I have tried to be in essence a step-mother to their children and put myself out there and cared about them and then what? Do I still get to see the kids? Will I be cut off?

Anyway, all I really want to do is crawl under a rock right now, but I didn't want you to think I was ignoring you, when you've been nothing but kind to me. But everything is up in the air and I don't have any solutions.
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  #14  
Old 05-12-2010, 04:51 AM
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crawling under a rock I TOTALLY understand my friend.
I've BEEN THERE. More than once.
Somedays it's just TOO difficult to bother staying "above ground".

I'll be thinking of you. You can always PM me if you need a friend and just aren't up to a whole world seeing it conversation.

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  #15  
Old 06-14-2010, 10:43 PM
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I'm alive and doing fairly well. The summer with all of the kids has been incredibly hectic and doesn't feel terribly relaxing yet! Between birthdays and visiting relatives, last-minute finishing touches for school and various shows and recitals, we've been having a hard time catching our breath.

My relationship with Easy seems to be doing even better now that I've recovered somewhat from my disappointment with Sunday. I'm afraid he got some backlash, but he was a good sport about it. We've been dealing with some of Easy's health issues, and I think he's doing better with those, as well. Looking back, I know we don't fight as much or as emotionally as we used to before Asha and Sunday entered our lives. I think I'm better at figuring out what I need and asking for it. I desperately hope our kids see that, since I know that some of my problems are holdovers from the way that my parents used to deal with their issues.

My relationship with Asha stumbled for a while, feeling awkward after her long time away and trying to get back into a routine. I think we're doing better now. I think she was having some troubles with Sunday, as well. She's certainly going through a very emotional time, grieving for her aunt and having to deal with less-evolved relatives who are using their grief as an excuse to create drama. I'm not sure where Easy and Asha are in their relationship, but Easy doesn't seem to know how to talk about it and I'm afraid of micro-managing it for him. Some things you just have to learn to do for yourself.

I decided to stop thinking of Sunday as a husband and start just thinking of him as a close friend. I worked very hard on being friendly and kind to him while keeping my distance emotionally. Of course I haven't talked to him about any of this. First, previous attempts to discuss how I've felt have let me walk away with the impression that he'd say anything if I would just stop talking. Second, I guess I feel like I've got too much else to deal with. So I'm letting the relationship just sit on the backburner. He doesn't seem to have noticed, which indicates to me that either our relationship wasn't important to him OR he's got too much going on right now, as well. Maybe we just don't have time for each other. Now that I've stopped worrying about it, things haven't necessarily improved, but everyone seems to be clicking better. I still have pockets of being angry and feeling rejected, but overall I seem to be feeling happier. Maybe it's just the increased sunlight. But I do feel more self-confident lately, and it's definitely having an effect.
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  #16  
Old 07-20-2010, 05:47 PM
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I haven't really had anything to report. Asha and Sunday and their children have been out east dealing with family issues, and Easy and I have been spending a lot of time just focusing on us. Some funny parenting moments happened that I'd love to share but don't really have anyone else to share them with:

(as Monkey and I were shopping for clothes for her and I was trying to get her to buy something pink and frilly)

Me: Where is my daughter who likes pink and is girly?
Monkey: She's in Maryland.



Then:

(as Easy was trying to kiss me and I was playing hard to get)

Easy: Oh, I see how it is. Well, maybe my girlfriend would appreciate me more.
Monkey (out of the blue): That would be Asha!
(Easy coughs and sputters as I collapse in a fit of giggles)

I don't know if those are funny if you weren't there, but they made me smile.
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  #17  
Old 09-04-2010, 01:55 AM
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I had a jealousy dream last night. I dreamed that I overheard Sunday talking to someone else about a woman he was interested in, and I was incredibly jealous because he didn't want me. I was full of sorrow and anger. That was painful, and doubly painful because I was forced to revisit that place. I thought that I had moved on. I'm not used to attempting to be friends with ex-lovers--usually I run far, far away when the relationship ends. Truthfully, I haven't got a lot of experience. Let's see--three boyfriends who dumped me, followed by a one-night-stand with a co-worker who never called me back, followed by twenty years of marriage. Yeah, poor Sunday. Poor Easy! But I'm not giving up my relationship with Asha, and I refuse to lose out on my relationship with the kids.

Asha and I had a good day today, and talked about living together. It would definitely solve a lot of our financial problems--it would be soooo nice to be able to save some money! And it didn't fill me with fear like it normally does. I'm not good with room mates and I need a lot of space.

So, just saying, I'm still alive. Followed by another entertaining-to-me-but-maybe-no-one-else moment:

Easy (waving a single sock): Where is the other sock to this pair? You know you're supposed to put them together when you take them off!
Me: There is no other sock. It was right next to another pair. It's a poly sock and it was in a triad. You broke up the triad!
Easy (giving me a steely look): You only have two feet.
Me: Love knows no boundaries.
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  #18  
Old 09-04-2010, 01:59 AM
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And my all-time favorite poly memory...

I was filling out the paperwork for Monkey to start school and she looked over as I was putting in the guardian information.

Monkey: Why are there so many spots for parents?
Me: In case you have step-parents.
Monkey: Why haven't you put in Sunday and Asha?
Me: Because they aren't legally your step-parents.
Monkey: They're the step-parents of my heart!

I consoled her by listing them as emergency contacts and writing that they were friend/caregivers.

It's funny that Monkey, who is 11 and a girl, can handle the poly thing so well, while Moose, who is 16 and a boy, freaks out whenever we discuss it with him or mention anything to do with it. They are such different children.

ETA: I was reading some of the previous posts and am happy to report that Rockstar is being much nicer to me. Yesterday Sunday and Asha picked Moose up from school (and Moose wasn't surly!!!) and both Rockstar and Ocean informed me that they had decided that Rockstar was now my son, and Moose belonged to Sunday and Asha.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-04-2010 at 02:03 AM.
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  #19  
Old 09-08-2010, 12:00 AM
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I'm hurting and I can't seem to work through it. Easy and I are going around and around and I can't seem to communicate what I need him to hear. I know that our history together is hurting us here, but I can't let go of the feelings and I don't know what to do. I wrote him a letter but it didn't accomplish what I had hoped.

Our entire marriage I've felt like he's passed me over for other people and things. I mostly ignored it until we became polyamorous and then it exploded all over us. We've been working through it, slowly. But on Sunday it seemed like he passed me over and now it feels like we're right back at the beginning. I fell asleep waiting for him to come to bed, and when I woke up I found him and Asha being intimate. I guess I feel like I've spent all these years just waiting for him to notice me, so this is a big trigger. I can't stop crying and I can't get over it and I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I should walk out and give Easy a new start. He says it feels like I'm throwing him at Asha because I don't want him. But I can see how happy he is when he's with Asha, and he doesn't act like that with me. I feel miserable and like no one wants me. I need someone to tell me that I'll feel better when I've had some space. Right now I feel like there's something wrong with me, some glitch that makes it impossible for people to love me.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 09-08-2010 at 12:03 AM.
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  #20  
Old 09-08-2010, 12:31 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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You sound like Maca.
He used to have those emotions OFTEN.
Now they are much more rare.

The truth is that Easy IS different with Asha.

Because Asha is different.

But that's not to say that he's "happier" or "unhappier" with one or the other of you.

GG and I are MUCH more playful and easy going than Maca and I.
It sometimes bothers Maca, he see's that as me being "happier". But the truth is that it's just representative of the differences in them.

GG is much more laid back and easy going than Maca. Maca on the other hand is MUCH more intense and sexual. GG can't fulfil my sexual needs and Maca doesn't fulfil my easy-going playful side.
Neither is better than the other, both are JUST as necessary.

I'm sending you a BIG HUG-cause it sounds like you really need one!
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