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  #11  
Old 09-03-2010, 06:17 PM
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For a woman involved with a mono guy, you really don't get monogamy at all..but I still love ya
what am I not getting, please do tell. Anyone else think I'm off base?
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  #12  
Old 09-03-2010, 06:51 PM
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what am I not getting, please do tell. Anyone else think I'm off base?
What you are not getting: The concept that mongamous people operate under a set of "rules".

Rules imply imposing restrictions to control behaviour. Monogamous people, who are actually monogamous and not just behaving monogamously, don't need rules and boundaries to govern their behaviour. They behave a certain way and interact with their partners based on natural tendencies, not because they can't or aren't allowed to do something. That is also why the idea of ownership or possessiveness is not valid within a monogamous couple who are actually monogamous. When I was happily married and connected I didn't have intimate relationships with other women. Why? Not because I wasn't allowed under the "rules" of monogamy. I didn't have those relationships because I didn't need or want to. There was no desire.

The necessity for rules and boundaries is something I have only experienced in a non monogamous relationship. I don't understand why anyone who feels like they are bound or restricted by the conditions of a relationship would stay in it. To me, that is unsustainable.
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  #13  
Old 09-03-2010, 08:40 PM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
What you are not getting: The concept that mongamous people operate under a set of "rules".

Rules imply imposing restrictions to control behaviour. Monogamous people, who are actually monogamous and not just behaving monogamously, don't need rules and boundaries to govern their behaviour. They behave a certain way and interact with their partners based on natural tendencies, not because they can't or aren't allowed to do something. That is also why the idea of ownership or possessiveness is not valid within a monogamous couple who are actually monogamous. When I was happily married and connected I didn't have intimate relationships with other women. Why? Not because I wasn't allowed under the "rules" of monogamy. I didn't have those relationships because I didn't need or want to. There was no desire.

The necessity for rules and boundaries is something I have only experienced in a non monogamous relationship. I don't understand why anyone who feels like they are bound or restricted by the conditions of a relationship would stay in it. To me, that is unsustainable.
Its nothing to do with sex or attraction, but friendship relationships. I never said they follow rules either. Although a lot do. There is often a rule though that men (and I am speaking from experience, which is why I say men)are not allowed to go out and do stuff with a woman that they see friends with unless their girlfriend or wife is with them. There seems to be an idea that something might happen and they will be tempted in some way.

Of course this is a generalization and not all monos are concerned or even think of this, but it is common.
In terms of the one time thing guy that the op is referring to, perhaps he would rather be in a mono relationship with this kind of restriction (disrespectful restrictions I think) than have nothing or less than someone all to himself.

People stay in relationships because they don't want to, don't care to or just deal with what comes up, rather than challenge it. I like poly for that, the challenge that is. I never did well in monogamy because often the people I was with weren't interested in working on independance and trust. They just assumed I would be coreced by some man friend who couldn't possibly keep his paws off. I remember you thought this too not so long ago Mono.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-03-2010 at 08:46 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-04-2010, 01:40 AM
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A thought then, if this guy has been in a relationship with everyone he has had sex with then this might of been scary, as you say... poor dude, doesn't he know that he can explore and be independent and still have a girlfriend... oh our world is so mono
i say this all the time, "poor 'D'"! not just for this, but for his past relationships. i don't like to jump to conclusions, but the way he describes it, he's been used in the past. and i really really really don't want him to feel like i'm using him (for sex, for poly 'experimentation', what-have-you) cuz i'm definitely NOT, i genuinely like him as a person. but that 'baggage' 'damage' whatever you call it is still following him around. any way to deal with that on my end? not make those feelings disappear for him, obviously, just reassure that i'm not going to that.

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Keeping up with a friendship sounds like the best bet for now. At least he will eventually realize that you don't feel cheapened and that you are glad to be his friend...
that's what i'm trying to do, be a good friend...kinda hang out in the sidelines and let him know i care about him and i'm here, and hope that he may 'come around' at some point; trying not to get my hopes too high, but hey, stranger things have happened!

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
if he gets a girlfriend I bet he disappears into mono land, like the good mono he is, cause mono men aren't allowed (or don't want due to the fact that their girlfriends might be jealous) to have female friends.
tee hee. i read this as a little sarcastic, but i have definitely had this happen to me on a platonic level with guys i was friends with and when they got girlfriends they went *poof* in fact, a guy i was friends with started dating my sister, and i almost never talk to him anymore, even though we live in the same apartment complex. so i know what you mean. and i also know that not all mono men are like that, but it is a pattern i have seen.

i also want to say thank you for all the responses! it's been great getting this feedback from people who have a bit more experience with this than me! thank you (and you all) again!
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