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  #21  
Old 09-03-2010, 01:53 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It's important to me that Rag and Sean are getting along so well. I would feel so uncomfortable being in the middle and knowing they disliked one another... Also, I love being able to talk about the other, often not even being the one to bring it up...
Hearing them suggest things the other might like is also great. I know they have each other's interests in mind and not just my own.

When Sean was working hard and feeling unappreciated at work, Rag suggested I send a (naked) picture of me to his cellphone, and took it himself. Later the same day Sean said we were great at supporting him and he loved us.
It means a lot to me that Ian can think of ways to support Sean, and that Sean can say he loves both of us.
And of course it works the other way around, too.

At the same time, Rag likes J, and without having met her yet I really like her just because she makes him so happy. I try to think of ways to make her happy too although it's hard without knowing her
She sounds like such a nice person! I think that once you get past the idea that other people your partner loves are supposed to be "rivals" and you start seeing them as "accomplices", it can become a wonderful kind of relationship.
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  #22  
Old 09-03-2010, 03:23 PM
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I think that once you get past the idea that other people your partner loves are supposed to be "rivals" and you start seeing them as "accomplices", it can become a wonderful kind of relationship.
Well said, and I totally agree. This is a hard one to get to though.
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  #23  
Old 09-03-2010, 04:11 PM
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
It's a little bit sad that most of the world will never experience the relationship that metamours have with each other.
-Derby
In order for most of the world to experience a healthy metamour relationship they would first have to be open to multiple partner ones. I don't think many would find the pay off worth the effort LOL!
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  #24  
Old 09-03-2010, 07:24 PM
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Redpepper :


For the record, they are honest questions, not sarcasm or judgements. I have not really thought much about metamours, as I have been lucky that the people I have engaged with, in a metamour way, were naturally people I liked, and they liked me. Usually that leads to befriending or more, of it`s own accord.

I won`t have a relationship with someone whos significant other objects to me. That is probably why it has worked out this way for me thus far.

When I said 'the same as other areas of my life' I meant that I tend to get a feel for peoples boundaries and am concious of that, weither its a friend, or something else. Being conscientious of the effects my actions have on others, is something done in more then just the poly world.

As for the rest, not sure what to tell you. I dont think a relationship is what it takes to respect people. I run more along the line of knowing up front where everyone stands, and if something doesn`t gel for all of us,..we don`t have to be in the relationship, period. If the person is not someone I would normally be friends with, then I don`t see a need to connect with them on a a regular basis.

Of course if something cropped up down the road, they are free to talk to me, or explain whats going on. Its not a closed door.

Maybe I am missing something here, not sure. I am just basing it on experience, and that experience hasn`t proven me wrong yet.

I`ll keep reading, but for right now, I`m not sure why it seems to come across as a 'neccessity' rather then something that people are either naturally drawn to, or they aren`t. Not all relationships need to follow the same model.
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  #25  
Old 09-03-2010, 08:12 PM
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Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
Redpepper :


For the record, they are honest questions, not sarcasm or judgements. I have not really thought much about metamours, as I have been lucky that the people I have engaged with, in a metamour way, were naturally people I liked, and they liked me. Usually that leads to befriending or more, of it`s own accord.

I won`t have a relationship with someone whos significant other objects to me. That is probably why it has worked out this way for me thus far.

When I said 'the same as other areas of my life' I meant that I tend to get a feel for peoples boundaries and am concious of that, weither its a friend, or something else. Being conscientious of the effects my actions have on others, is something done in more then just the poly world.

As for the rest, not sure what to tell you. I dont think a relationship is what it takes to respect people. I run more along the line of knowing up front where everyone stands, and if something doesn`t gel for all of us,..we don`t have to be in the relationship, period. If the person is not someone I would normally be friends with, then I don`t see a need to connect with them on a a regular basis.

Of course if something cropped up down the road, they are free to talk to me, or explain whats going on. Its not a closed door.

Maybe I am missing something here, not sure. I am just basing it on experience, and that experience hasn`t proven me wrong yet.

I`ll keep reading, but for right now, I`m not sure why it seems to come across as a 'neccessity' rather then something that people are either naturally drawn to, or they aren`t. Not all relationships need to follow the same model.
Not having a relationship with someone who objects to you might be the key. Sometimes its not even the objection part, but that one could take them or leave them and now all of a sudden one is suppose to be all into them and in kahoots. Frankly the women PN has chosen this far have been far too much like me, yet different enough and I would never choice them as a friend. Its been like looking into a mirror and an alpha female thing seems to arise. Perhaps I create that, I don't know. As I said, I suck at being a metamour. I'm too dominant I think.

Sure there could be different models of relationship, but I haven't known any deep, meaningful, long terms relationship where there hasn't been meaningful metamour relationships going on. I just don't think it could be possible of feasable.

Maybe I haven't experienced this? I can imagine that a balance would occur whereby metamours are good with one another yet don't ever talk, but when there is time constraints and scheduling involved for very involved loves, it just seems near impossible to not be involved with a metamour.

I have come to realize that I cannot be a *go between* for my loves. I decided that finally and for sure when the moving thing came up. I was losing my mind trying to pass on info and encouraging and negotiating boundaries filled with emotion. I did my bit and then told the men that they had to talk and let me know what they came up with. Why should I be the ref of their relationship?! If this was to work in a live in situation then they would have to be able to handle a friendship of some sort.

They would not of normally been friends, it is me that has forced them to be. Not that they hate each other, but it was one of those things where neither would of chosen the other and now they are forced into a relationship and have to deal with it. Not only that but I require them to help me with my needs. That being space and Mono living closer right now. More added burden and responsibility. They worked hard to make that work out for me. To me that is a metamour superhero moment to beat all. They are the best metamours around in my mind.

Later they will have to group together to support me in different ways. What they have to realize too is that they also will be supported. If one of them needs help then their will be two of us to step in. I don't know if they get that or trust it. That goes beyond a casual "ya, you're okay with me so I will date your partner" kind of thing. Again, there is really nothing to compare that to in typical relationships that I can think of.
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  #26  
Old 09-04-2010, 01:48 AM
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We've had ia mixture of different relationship styles.

Breathes has had one relationship where I could not, still can't, stand her. It's very difficult to keep the lines of communication open where you really don't want to deal with that person at all.

He's had a relationship where I was just starting to get to know her but she decided to date someone else.

I've got a relationship where all of us (his partners & us) will get together for a games night or a picnic or something & we all get alone really well together.

We've had the beginnings of a triad but things didn't work out although we all got along well together.

It all depends on the persons involved. If they have things you can like or admire, things in common, then there is a really good chance you can have some sort of relationship with them even if it's just being able to discuss different things about your mutual partner together.

Personally I think PN & Mono are doing exceptionally well. From what Mono has said they will go out for coffee and discuss many different things.

Sometimes we, as the mutual partner, have to just step back & let things develop as they will. It's difficult to do because we want them to get along so very badly. It is so worth the effort though because they get the chance to learn about each other at their own speed, they can communicate without a mediator and they can support each other in their times of need.

I don't think that you're a bad metamour so much as you just haven't found one of PN's other partners compatible with your needs. There is nothing wrong with this. Just leave the lines of communication open, even if it's just via email, & it will all work out the it should.
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  #27  
Old 09-04-2010, 08:10 PM
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Just had a thought. Some metamour relationships are like a co-worker relationships. You work on the same team and have to get along to be productive. If you spend all your time fighting and whining and gossiping and causing drama then you fould get fired.
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  #28  
Old 09-04-2010, 08:31 PM
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If you spend all your time fighting and whining and gossiping and causing drama then you fould get fired.
Soooo, being a metamore is a job now??

I might have to ask for a raise...
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  #29  
Old 09-04-2010, 09:32 PM
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Soooo, being a metamore is a job now??

I might have to ask for a raise...
Oh you've got it soooo tough
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  #30  
Old 09-04-2010, 09:48 PM
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Who's responsible for giving the raise?
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