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Old 09-02-2010, 11:10 PM
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fayeelizibeth fayeelizibeth is offline
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Default questions...sex, love, and rock n' roll

i know the title's silly, but it will make sense, i promise

hi! i introduced myself in the intro board, but thought i'd give a summary here too before i delve into my 'issues': i'm 26, my husband is 24 (1.5 years younger than me), we've been discussing poly for a while (probably about a year now), but this is the first time it's been really acted upon, and it's happened differently than we expected;

ok, here goes:

we always thought that my husband (let's call him B) would find a girlfriend, that he would introduce her to me, and we would get along, maybe do the three-way thing, maybe not, i was pretty open to whatever occurred (as long as the incoming party was respectful of our marriage, and didn't try to "steal" him away or start unnecessary drama or the like), but that's not what happened.

instead, one day as i was browsing facebook, i came upon one of our friends from high school (male), let's call him D. i have ALWAYS had a crush on D, since we were all in high school together (that's me, my husband, and D all went to high school together, although i graduated two years before they did; D is the same age as B) which means that i have crushed on D as long as i have crushed on B. (also, B and D kinda grew up together, going to boy scouts and school together from a young age) well, was my mind blown when i saw that his relationship status was single!

i know D works near me, so, with B's blessing, i invited D to lunch. it went well. we talked easily, and had a great time, staying well past our work lunch hour to talk to each other. although the topic of me and B being in an open/poly relationship was brought up, it was more theoretical than actualized, in that i'm pretty sure at the time that D had no idea that i was crushing on him.

later that week, D came over to our house to chill and watch a DVD with me. at the time B was out running errands with his dad, and D and i were in the house alone. it started very friendly, chatting about life and watching the DVD, and we got to talking about poly again. at some point he asked if someone who got involved would have to be involved with both me and B (again, theoretically, or so i thought) and i said, no, making a "V" with my fingers and explaining a vee pol-configuration, explaining that my husband was certainly ok with that.

now at this point, my heart is beating a thousand miles a minute, because i'm thinking that D, who i am crushing HARD for, has no idea what i'm getting at (again, he is a year and a half younger than me, and he's pretty shy), or if he does, that i'm going to scare him away by being a weirdo.

then he asks if someone B is ok with me seeing is him. i can't even turn to look at him as i answer 'yes,' i'm totally freaking out. he says "oh" and he turns to look at the tv. one LONG second later he says "i may be ok with that" and i'm smiling.

after that we talk for a little while, and he says how HE has always had a crush on ME since high school! talk about a mind-f*ck (in a good way)! we start making out, and fool around for a few minutes. then he starts getting worried that B is going to come home and catch us in this position. i agree that although B is entirely ok with me seeing D, perhaps the way for him to find out is not in the middle of make-outs, so we calm ourselves down and plan to meet later in the week. D requests that i not mention what happened in front of B, because it would make him feel very awkward in front of B, although i assure him we aren't doing anything that would upset B.

B comes home, makes dinner, and we all eat, having normal conversation, not mentioning the previous activities.

when D leaves for the night, i tell B what happened, and he is happy for me.

the next day, i meet up with D after work. we go to his apartment, and proceed to have some pretty amazing sex. let's just leave it at that, pretty-damn-amazing. D kinda wants me to spend the night, but is worried that B will be upset, despite my arguments to the contrary. i even ask if he would like to call and ask B, but he's very nervous about it (although he does say he's sure B is fine with it, actually talking about it with B makes him nervous). anyway, I do go home that night at about 12:30am, planning with D to repeat the evening soon. I tell B about the evening when i get home, and he is happy for me.

a few days later, me and D meet for lunch, but he seems a bit distant. i try not to think about it too much, maybe he's just stressed at work.

(all this time i'm texting D a few times a day, trying not to be needy, just keeping him updated on my life and random thoughts, telling him he's awesome, things of that nature)

about a week after that, D (through text) says he wants to be "just friends," not due to anything i've said or done, but due to his last relationship leaving many "open wounds" and he "doesn't want to get intimate right now" (his last relationship was about 2 years long, and broke up about 6 months ago, although she only moved out of the apartment they shared about 3 months ago; she moved across the country, back to her parents house).

i sighed, and was a bit upset, but (again, through text) told him that that was ok, and asked if i could ask a question; he said fine; i asked if he would be perhaps ok with sleeping with me sometime in the future; he said "maybe, down the road, i have alot of thinking to do"

i accepted that, and have kept texting him friendly text messages.

a few days ago me and B went to see D's band (i told you there was rock n' roll! ) and D hugged me, and was very friendly and adorable.

which brings me up to now, and my questions:
what is the chance that i could bring this young man into my life in a more boyfriend kind of way?

i certainly don't want to rush it, but i really really like him, and also don't want to loose him. i have told him that i would like to live in a poly household, but i don't know if at the time he understood that it could include him. i have spoken with B (extensively) and while it is a long way off/not even likely we have discussed the possibility of me having two husbands (with B continuing to be my "legal" husband for reasons of health insurance, etc), and even the possibility of having children by both husbands, and B would be ok with that. B is especially pleased that i have chosen D, because B enjoys D's company and knows D is a great guy.

i'm pretty sure before this D had never considered poly (and even now, i'm not sure it's so much considering poly, as it is he considered being friends-w-benefits), how can i introduce the thought of me wanting to be with him in a more serious way without scaring him about the whole thing?

should i just continue to do what i am doing (texting him in a friendly manner a few times a day, going to his shows, and inviting him to hang out platonicly either with or without B- not that i try to disclude B, but he's very busy with school and volunteering, so sometimes he is just not around)? should i be doing something else?

i know one aspect of this will definitely be patience. and i know i may never get my wish, i'm prepared for that possibility/probability. but if there are any tips or thoughts to up my chances, or just support for my situation, i am thrilled to hear it!

thank you for reading! sorry it got so long!
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  #2  
Old 09-02-2010, 11:32 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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First off, thanks for the introduction and congratulations on a seemingly smooth ride so far

Quote:
Originally Posted by fayeelizibeth View Post
which brings me up to now, and my questions:
what is the chance that i could bring this young man into my life in a more boyfriend kind of way?
We can only guess. There can be a million things going on in his head and you just don't know. Hell, he doesn't even know if he is poly or open to being open


Quote:
i certainly don't want to rush it, but i really really like him, and also don't want to loose him.
You like him, thats one half of the potential relationship

Quote:
i have told him that i would like to live in a poly household, but i don't know if at the time he understood that it could include him.
Umm this is all new right? Imagine being mono for a second. Meeting someone and talking about marriage and living together? You might want to scale back your desires a bit and get with the dating first.

You poly family idea is something that should probably be discussed with D when D is actually dating you. Just my thought.

When I was "single" if a girl started bringing up moving in and marriage...well thats just crazy talk.

Quote:
i have spoken with B (extensively) and while it is a long way off/not even likely we have discussed the possibility of me having two husbands (with B continuing to be my "legal" husband for reasons of health insurance, etc), and even the possibility of having children by both husbands, and B would be ok with that. B is especially pleased that i have chosen D, because B enjoys D's company and knows D is a great guy.

i'm pretty sure before this D had never considered poly (and even now, i'm not sure it's so much considering poly, as it is he considered being friends-w-benefits), how can i introduce the thought of me wanting to be with him in a more serious way without scaring him about the whole thing?
Good...b likes you
you love b
you like d
b like d
now you just gotta figure out if D wants to be involved in an open relationship with you and share you with your husband and even more innocently, does he like you that way after having shared some time with you?

He has asked you to give him time, leave it at that for now. Don't push. If its really bugging you...and in a couple of weeks really tearing at you, maybe write a letter explaining your desire to date and be in a relationship with him. However you want to phrase it. But some people don't like that kind of pressure

Quote:
should i just continue to do what i am doing (texting him in a friendly manner a few times a day, going to his shows, and inviting him to hang out platonicly either with or without B- not that i try to disclude B, but he's very busy with school and volunteering, so sometimes he is just not around)? should i be doing something else?
Be his friend...flirt...guys aren't usually dumb and innocence is endearing sometimes (I don't know about others, but my girl friends's and I regardless of our relationships flirt...maybe that isn't the same for everyone though). He needs time and who knows he might have pushed back because he is scared of his own baggage. As a friend you can talk to him and find out more about him, expand on the relationship and maybe someday move it into dating.


Quote:
i know one aspect of this will definitely be patience. and i know i may never get my wish, i'm prepared for that possibility/probability. but if there are any tips or thoughts to up my chances, or just support for my situation, i am thrilled to hear it!

thank you for reading! sorry it got so long!
Thanks again for sharing. Patience is one of my least favorite topics ever. Its also one I have had to learn the most over the last few months. Its been...interesting

ari
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  #3  
Old 09-03-2010, 12:17 AM
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fayeelizibeth fayeelizibeth is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post

Umm this is all new right? Imagine being mono for a second. Meeting someone and talking about marriage and living together? You might want to scale back your desires a bit and get with the dating first.

You poly family idea is something that should probably be discussed with D when D is actually dating you. Just my thought.

When I was "single" if a girl started bringing up moving in and marriage...well thats just crazy talk.
oh, i know; i wasn't talking to him about being with "him" personally at the time, more of a, we were talking about poly and what that means and i was telling him that to me i would want 'someone' moving in with me and B 'someday'. but i see how that may have been a bit much, and i should hold off on that, at least for a while...


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does he like you that way after having shared some time with you?
it seems he does. the few days after the sex he was very complimentary, and sweet, and still is, just without the sexual component that is said he is not ready for. which i respect (although i am a just a bit sad about that; it was really good sex - but seriously, i respect his decision to not just have sex without thinking about his emotional response, i think it is very responsible and mature of him (he's 24, i don't think most 24 year old men would be that emotionally aware, although i may be wrong))


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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
He has asked you to give him time, leave it at that for now. Don't push. If its really bugging you...and in a couple of weeks really tearing at you, maybe write a letter explaining your desire to date and be in a relationship with him. However you want to phrase it. But some people don't like that kind of pressure
its the patience! i don't have it in abundance i'm trying not to pressure him though, while keeping him aware of my interest in a more peripheral sense. and being his friend, because through all of this, i still want to be friends with him even if he does decide the relationship isn't for him.


Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
Thanks again for sharing. Patience is one of my least favorite topics ever. Its also one I have had to learn the most over the last few months. Its been...interesting

ari
i have the problems with patience too. i want what i want, and i want it now! it's not my best quality, but i'm trying to be 'good' with him, because i really don't want to mess this up if i can avoid it. and besides, patience is a good quality to have, and i know that. so i'm trying to work on it .

thank you so much for reading and responding! i appreciate it sooooooo much! there are so few people who i can talk to about this who really understand, so just thank you, thank you, thank you!
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Old 09-03-2010, 06:35 AM
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I seem to have a different take that Ari.

oh dear do I ever recognize this story.

It's called too much too fast.

there is a saying I like to keep in mind, "women have sex to become friends, men become friends to have sex." Okay, it's a total generalization, but I think this guy just wanted to see what it would be like to fuck you and that was it for him. If he had a crush on you, he was living a dream and perhaps you were too. Nothing wrong with that, but it could be.

He either chose to mistake "poly" for "open" in relationship style, or just realized after that you aren't what he is looking for and is now content to text until you become disinterested or he gets horny again and wants to get laid. *edit after reading next post*-or maybe he just can't quite get that you could mean something special to him if you are married and committed. Mono means all to oneself, if that is what he is used to and desires he has some heavy decisions to make.

Sorry, this sounds so negative and maybe it is, but if you think about it, and put your feelings aside, perhaps you can see that casual one off sex is really quite normal and typical for a lot of men... and women, but mostly men. I don't know when you dated last, but this is kinda the usual. Perhaps this is what he is used to and all he expects.

Ya, I would pack it up and move on and learn from the experience. Next time, I would wait to have sex. If I really want to have a relationship with someone else, then I would wait and just spend time with them, see how it pans out a bit first, see if they are serious and are willing to educate themselves to poly first or at least talk more about it with you and others.

Your backing away might make him realize that he really wants you in his life and will step up with some thoughts. If nothing else, it would truly be backing away and giving him time. I think if it were me I would let him know that I am here, but giving him space and he can get a hold of you if and when he's ready.
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:59 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Good perspective RP, I usually miss that side. I always forget about the potential dawg factor. Considering this is how my first experience with poly was, I am shocked it slips past me everytime haha.
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Old 09-03-2010, 01:51 PM
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fayeelizibeth fayeelizibeth is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I seem to have a different take that Ari.

oh dear do I ever recognize this story.

It's called too much too fast.
totally agree, i think i should have held off on the sex. but i can't go back and undo it, only learn from it. and really, i don't 'regret' it, if i only get that one good night with him sexually, then so be it.

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
there is a saying I like to keep in mind, "women have sex to become friends, men become friends to have sex." Okay, it's a total generalization, but I think this guy just wanted to see what it would be like to fuck you and that was it for him. If he had a crush on you, he was living a dream and perhaps you were too. Nothing wrong with that, but it could be.
it definitely could be that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He either chose to mistake "poly" for "open" in relationship style, or just realized after that you aren't what he is looking for and is now content to text until you become disinterested or he gets horny again and wants to get laid. *edit after reading next post*-or maybe he just can't quite get that you could mean something special to him if you are married and committed. Mono means all to oneself, if that is what he is used to and desires he has some heavy decisions to make.
yes, i do think he mistook poly for open, which could be mostly my fault, as i didn't go in to great explanation before making out with him; it's not a topic that many people are knowledgeable about (which i'm sure you know)

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Sorry, this sounds so negative and maybe it is, but if you think about it, and put your feelings aside, perhaps you can see that casual one off sex is really quite normal and typical for a lot of men... and women, but mostly men. I don't know when you dated last, but this is kinda the usual. Perhaps this is what he is used to and all he expects.
now, that's where i disagree with you. i happen to know this guy is not one to have casual sex ordinarily. which CERTAINLY doesn't rule it out (and there's nothing wrong with casual sex), but he's only had sex with a handful of woman, and he was in relationships with them at the time. come to think of it, the sex itself may have been the 'scary' factor!

Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Ya, I would pack it up and move on and learn from the experience. Next time, I would wait to have sex. If I really want to have a relationship with someone else, then I would wait and just spend time with them, see how it pans out a bit first, see if they are serious and are willing to educate themselves to poly first or at least talk more about it with you and others.

Your backing away might make him realize that he really wants you in his life and will step up with some thoughts. If nothing else, it would truly be backing away and giving him time. I think if it were me I would let him know that I am here, but giving him space and he can get a hold of you if and when he's ready.
thank you so much for the response! i certainly will be taking it slower 'the next time around' - i'll admit i got over-excited and jumped in too quick

as is with this guy, i like the idea of 'backing off' a bit, but i don't want him to think i've abandoned him as a friend; because, whatever happens with him, i'd like to remain friends, me and B have been on friendly terms with him since high school, and he is someone who's company i enjoy on a purely platonic level as well.

thank you again for reading and responding! i really appreciate all the thoughts!
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Old 09-03-2010, 03:02 PM
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Originally Posted by fayeelizibeth View Post
now, that's where i disagree with you. i happen to know this guy is not one to have casual sex ordinarily. which CERTAINLY doesn't rule it out (and there's nothing wrong with casual sex), but he's only had sex with a handful of woman, and he was in relationships with them at the time. come to think of it, the sex itself may have been the 'scary' factor!
A thought then, if this guy has been in a relationship with everyone he has had sex with then this might of been scary, as you say... poor dude, doesn't he know that he can explore and be independent and still have a girlfriend... oh our world is so mono

Another thought. I have run across men who have had casual sex and then lose respect for the one that they had it with. They turn into sluts after... (as if they aren't too). Not saying your guy is like this, but just saying.

Ya, it sounds like he has his own issues about it all. Too bad he doesn't want to talk about it. I would hazard a guess and say that he enjoys his mono status and is looking for mono love. You were a fun blast from the past and that is all. Now he feels guilty and that he has cheapened you.

Keeping up with a friendship sounds like the best bet for now. At least he will eventually realize that you don't feel cheapened and that you are glad to be his friend... if he gets a girlfriend I bet he disappears into mono land, like the good mono he is, cause mono men aren't allowed (or don't want due to the fact that their girlfriends might be jealous) to have female friends.

I know this sounds sarcastic, but I am not meaning it to be. The whole mono style works for some, I just hope you aren't disappointed, because that is just how mono is. I don't get it myself, but then I'm not mono I accept it just fine though.
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Old 09-03-2010, 03:43 PM
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if he gets a girlfriend I bet he disappears into mono land, like the good mono he is, cause mono men aren't allowed (or don't want due to the fact that their girlfriends might be jealous) to have female friends.

.
For a woman involved with a mono guy, you really don't get monogamy at all..but I still love ya
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 09-03-2010 at 04:59 PM.
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Old 09-03-2010, 04:01 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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For a woman involved with a mono guy, you really don't get mongamy at all..but I still love ya
haha...quote of the day I think
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Old 09-03-2010, 05:35 PM
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haha...quote of the day I think
How is it that the uber mono guy actually screwed up the spelling of monogamy?! I'm gonna get kicked out of the club.
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