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  #11  
Old 09-02-2010, 05:59 AM
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http://kikimuse.blogspot.com/2010/06...moresomes.html

Maybe not quite what you asked about, RP, but a start.. ?
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  #12  
Old 09-02-2010, 06:15 AM
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Originally Posted by geminigirl View Post
http://kikimuse.blogspot.com/2010/06...moresomes.html

Maybe not quite what you asked about, RP, but a start.. ?
The author suggests that good metamour relations are important to good communication and balance in a relationship dynamic. That communciation is a special and delicate matter with metamours. Ain't that the truth.

There is mention of a hidden threesome when one is dating a couple, but actually, there is always a hidden threesome or triad going on, even in a vee. The ends of the vee have their own unique and special relationship. Nurturing that is very important to the health of the over all dynamic I think.

Threesomes sexually kind of are a tell tale way of that relationship dynamic playing out in an intensely emotional and hyped up environment if I were to think about it. At least in my experience.
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  #13  
Old 09-02-2010, 06:36 AM
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Level of admittance...??? How so? I am curious if that would make a different thread. What makes you a bad metamour and why? (not YOU but overall...)
I teased someone once about being a meddling metamour. How's that for starters. Getting involved where their isn't an invite or a necessity.
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  #14  
Old 09-02-2010, 06:39 AM
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Or the opposite Ari, avoiding entirely. Had that happen before. I've been guilt of that too. Maybe there is a fine line between avoiding and over involvement?
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Old 09-02-2010, 05:54 PM
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This is an interesting subject for me... I tend to lean towards the "get involved" type metamour - I have an expectation that my Husband's other partner(s) will be involved in *our* life - in that we can all sit down and hang out on occasion. Not that we have to.

Its an interesting balance for me. Prior to this past month - anyone he's been involved with - I've also been involved with, and for the most part, vice versa. Relearning how to let go, and not be *involved* is an interesting journey... especially when he's involved with someone I was interested in...
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  #16  
Old 09-02-2010, 06:46 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I teased someone once about being a meddling metamour. How's that for starters. Getting involved where their isn't an invite or a necessity.
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Or the opposite Ari, avoiding entirely. Had that happen before. I've been guilt of that too. Maybe there is a fine line between avoiding and over involvement?
hmmm..I think the balance needs to be decided by the group. I like my metamours to know each other. Friendship is good, cordial is required.

Meddling, not a fan of with friendship, I can't foresee myself liking this in a lovers, lover. Unless of course I am involved with them too.

To distant...I can think of a situation where this is happening. It become almost like a DADT policy. Again this would have to work for the individuals. I wouldn' t be happy in that situation, I am just too damn social I think
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  #17  
Old 09-02-2010, 07:08 PM
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Well the situation was that the wife of someone was trying to get their partner to be more involved in communicating with their shared partner. Because she knew him so well and that he can be neglectful of communicating, she was getting involved in facilitating their communication. My point to her was to not get involved in that way. They have their own relationship and it will play out the way it should just the two of them. To me, that's how it should be. Its that whole stepping back thing that parents do with their kids when they are attempting to make friends etc. and find their own way in life. Really it wasn't up to her to facilitate, perhaps offer suggestions to him under the guise of "sweetheart, I know you and I know you don't mean to neglect communicating, but, I know you tend to, perhaps you should try to keep that up with so and so..." and that's it, no more prompting than that. The rest is up to them.

Interestingly, the other partner didn't seem to value communicating the way that my friend did and it wasn't as big an issue as she thought it might be. Just goes to show, what one things will be a big deal or not to us is not to someone else. Standing back and observing, being there when needed is often the best one can do. Hands off approach kind of thing.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-03-2010 at 06:59 AM.
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  #18  
Old 09-02-2010, 11:50 PM
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Smile Metamour love

You friendly neighborhood lurker here. I just thought I needed to post something on this topic. I agree with Red that metamour love is a wonderful, rather unique thing in the poly frame. I'm gifted in that I have so many poly friends. So I get to see free love in action. No, not indiscriminate sex, just love. For multiple partners, for metamours, for your metamours and lover's children, for friends. Polyamoury may be unique that way, and I myself am so blessed.

I love you all. Even those of you I haven't met yet.

Last edited by redpepper; 09-03-2010 at 07:22 AM.
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  #19  
Old 09-03-2010, 02:47 AM
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I think I would be a lousy metamour too.

I am not quite sure about this subject, but talking about it today,...My previous interactions indicate that I treat people the same under this title, that I would anywhere else in life.

If I find the person interesting, and want to befriend them, I will,..and it happens rather naturally. It`s fantastic when it does happen that way.

If I don`t, It`s 'Hello" and a courteous: 'Hi, How are you?" when I see them, that is it.

I am thinking this is more important in poly relationships that don`t subscribe to a Primary/Secondary title ?

When I think about my husband and his dating, I can`t say I feel a need to make sure I know everyone he dates.

Good subject to ponder, anyhow.
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  #20  
Old 09-03-2010, 07:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
My previous interactions indicate that I treat people the same under this title, that I would anywhere else in life.
what do you mean by this? what do you mean when you say you "treat people the same?" The same as what in terms of elsewhere in your life? Sorry, I am not understanding.

Mono has talked of conscious consideration when it comes to his metamours. The whole idea that what I do affects everyone is an important one. If I chose to not engage in a metamours life and just say hi when I see them, how does that affect them and our shared partner? I know I would be very upset on the recieving end of a casual "hi." I would feel disrespected and unappreciated. At one end I would feel that I am not worth as much as they are because they are the primary and therefore I am secondary in terms of value, and, on the other end I would feel disrespected as a primary; after all, it is my husband that you are dating and what the two of you do affects my home, my family, my child and our way of life. I would feel very strongly that a metamour work on a relationship with me especially as PN invests a lot in those he deems worthy of his time and affection. No fly by night loves for him. I guess it would be different if his loves were just mildly entertaining for a time and nothing to take seriously unless he stumbled upon more with one of them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Superjast View Post
I am thinking this is more important in poly relationships that don`t subscribe to a Primary/Secondary title ?

When I think about my husband and his dating, I can`t say I feel a need to make sure I know everyone he dates.
Really?! I would think it would mean more to those who subscribe to primary/secondary.... From my experience of others in a more casual, single style, dating kind of poly there is little to no interest of knowing someone else's partners other than knowing that they exist and who they are. There seems to be more of a pride and reassurance in knowing that ones partner has others and so do I, than knowing who those people are in any kind of close way. It almost seems like "phew, I don't have to worry about them wanting me all to themselves!" kind of thing.

I think people who have invested much more are more likely to want to invest in their partners lovers more... invest in their metamours more. After all, if a metamour disrupts the balance in some way as what happened with PN and my metamour, then everything is up turned... right down to my child being affected. If I had known her better, I could of maybe been more supportive to him in his time of sadness. I didn't know her very well, and was unable to be patient and forgiving at times... I don't think in a more casual kind of poly that happens as often.
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