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  #11  
Old 08-31-2010, 08:00 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default I have not been feeling like myself

This is really just a rant, so that I can get some stuff out of my head:

I have been in a bit of a low spot for the past couple of weeks. I cannot exactly pinpoint what it is that is going on with me, but I have been incredibly stressed out with research and moving, and O.

I have not been as close to O as I would like to be - I think I am getting to the point where I, once again, find I am getting very close to someone and I pull away for fear of getting my heart ripped to shreds.

There is no real justification for this - he has been very affectionate and kind to me, like always.

I wonder if it is the thing with J (which has basically fizzled out due to my being so busy) that has made me confused. I wonder if I am feeling like I am settling in and feeling boring to be with, I wonder if...

J was just too young, I think. I want to remain friends with him, but like the last "relationship" I had with T about a year ago, they just stop returning phone calls. I think this situation is hard for people to deal with. One moment I am "the girl of his dreams", the next jealousy rears its head and "I want to steal you away" comments start.

I sooooooo don't want drama, and so I get freaked out too, and withhold affections in order to enter the friend state, just so I don't have to deal with anymore stressors in my life.

When I start feeling like this I entertain the notion of breaking it off with O. I know he would be hurt, but I get to the point where I am on the verge of too much in my life. I have no reason to break it off with him, other than my typical avoidance mechanisms that click in and out during times like this.

Then the chain of "I don't want my life to be any more complicated", "I don't want to do the poly thing ANYMORE", "I just want to do what I want to do", "If I keep this going and change my mind, that would be worse than just ending it now"...

argh. And then the more rational part of my brain kicks in and kicks down some of these thoughts. I still wonder - maybe wanted a simple life is not that bad of a thing?

It is the stress talking. My labmate just asked me if I was OK, because my eyes are so puffy - not from crying, just from feeling bogged down and helpless.

Last night, I broke down a bit when on the phone with O. I was really moody and upset and was trying my best to not bring him into it. I didn't want to be annoying, or tiresome, or boring, or depressing. I feel like I cannot be like that or else he will eventually leave.

I need to rest. I need to feel loved without being entertaining. I really need to feel like I can love someone and they won't rip my heart out. So I think about just being alone, because I don't believe that someone can really promise that to anyone.

meh.
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  #12  
Old 12-15-2010, 08:09 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Hi - It's been a while. Getting a doctorate is a real pain in the ass.

I just re read the above post. I ended up talking to O about this a couple of times. Once due to my fear that being so busy would tear us apart, and another because my work was stressing me out for REAL.

It is truly amazing how stresses in your every day life can impact your ability to deal with anything emotional.

I worked through a lot of that, and am amazed at his patience and am in complete love with him. Someone on here said (RedPepper, i think) that I seem to feel like my relationship is built on sand, and to test it would help prove myself some things - to make it feel more solid. The past 3 months has been a test, for sure.

After freaking out over something STUPID one night, and worried that my lack of availability would force O into someone else's arms, I almost revoked the open relationship clause. He got very angry and defensive about the whole thing, and I felt I just couldn't deal with any more emotional stress on top of my work. I was about to cave. Then about a week later I ended up making out publicly with one of my closest friends here... another girl. We were all at a club and well, we just spent the whole night locked together. haha. It was great and I was very glad I didn't revoke our agreements at that point.

I think over the past several months I have had a couple of aha moments. I've heard people talk about this before... but I am VERY sure that I am bi now. I think past to all the fantasies as a teen, and several very peculiar nights spent with my best-friend/neighbor that I never allowed myself to realize were my very first sexual experiences because she was a girl...

I feel like this really isn't all that big of a deal, but I know there are those that struggle with these realizations. I have no intention of sharing this with family... They will never be faced with it, so why should they know, which probably helps my comfort level.

so, any advice for a newly discovered bi girl??

Also, O's last serious relationship ended by opening it up so she could pursue a relationship with another female. This ultimately ended with her cheating on him (even though he tried to be communicative) and leaving him for her.

So - the fact that I have both slept with and made out with 2 other women recently is very real for him. I think I still had the school of thought where if it's a girl, it "doesn't count". hm. Interesting social conditioning there. Thing is, I really have no interest in random girls... just my friends. I think it's because I trust them, and already love them in a way. now - it is completely out!

Regardless, I still get wormies with regards to O and other girls. I need to remind myself about the above situations when I do, and how I love him more because he lets me be myself.
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  #13  
Old 05-12-2011, 06:29 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Ok, the 6 month update.

O and I are doing great. We've settled into some comfortableness, and discuss things as they come up. We've also kind've decided that neither of us wants another relationship with someone else, and have been discussing what "poly" means, what we "are", etc.

Right now, the agreement is that we can make out with whomever, so long as it isn't at a huge party where all of our colleagues are at. I don't need the stares, questions, judgement, etc.

It's happened a few times for the both of us - me with another female friend, *snicker*, and him with a friend of a friend recently. I actually didn't get gurbles about it - I thought it was cute and I was proud of him for going in for the kill. Although it is weird for me to write and I think some friends don't really understand or feel threatened still.

In fact- at a recent party O was confronted by a friend wanting to know if we are in an open relationship and was super excited about it. We have some level of open-ness, but the doors are not blown off the hinges. Her bf saw her and got super pissed and jealous. He is an odd fellow. He used to date my housemate and I saw manipulative and controlling behavior from him towards her and so I had a talk with her. At first she was defensive, but they later broke up and she was more appreciative for what I said. I feel bad for this new chick.

As far as anything further, we've been busy although talk about it. The possibility is certainly still on the table. I think we are enjoying the intimacy we have with each other as things are.

J - the man (boy) I mention in the previous post got that annoying chick preggers and I slowed down my visits and communication with him. It pissed me off for so many reasons, and also justified my feeling that he was acting immature. It also completely made me lose any attraction to him. I never made a scene - but I calmly told him what I thought, and left it at that.

All of this (the cheating friends, J being irresponsible) makes me appreciate O even more. I realize all the heartache, annoyance, etc from our relationship early on has amplified my ability to trust him now. So yay

I am even day dreaming about where the fun can go next... There are so many cute people (guys and gals) out there!
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  #14  
Old 05-12-2011, 06:46 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Great update and I am glad to see you are happy and excited about life and the future

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  #15  
Old 05-12-2011, 08:29 PM
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TheBlackSwede TheBlackSwede is offline
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X2 on what Mono said!

Best wishes with everything!
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  #16  
Old 08-02-2011, 06:44 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Default Open Relationship/Poly groups

After 2 years of Dating O, we are discovering a community of like-minded individuals in our small town. All the friends that doubted us are more comfortable, and even participate on occasion (lightly). This is AWESOME to me, because originally I banned friends from this, and now appreciate the honesty and trust in the occasional fun with someone you know.

Furthermore, one of my closest friends has opened up her relationship and is exploring polyamory (not just open relationships) with a long-distance bf. Something she said she would "never" do when I was talking to her about me. Now, everyone is stepping out of the wood-works, and we even have a nice little community that cropped up out of no where!

It is soooo nice to have this support network, to just be able to talk/not feel singled out and weird about talking about your SO's trysts with other people, no matter how small or big a deal they were. I think others are feeling the same.

Also, my close friend is so strong in all of this that I feel more comfortable and trusting in O. I realize that regardless of the shape of your relationship, it is so important to have others to bounce ideas off. This is probably why I've been quite absent from here. I'm happy, secure, and have my own little group of live people to hang out with and talk to. I can bring J to parties with all of my friends there (even though nothing is happening between us anymore, it was weird for a bit b/c everyone knew what I was doing). I am not ashamed, WHY WAS I?

There are no OSOs, who knows if there will be... but the exploration of all of this has been so incredibly rewarding in so many ways, I don't think it really matters.
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  #17  
Old 03-15-2012, 03:38 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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ENGAGED!

And with Profiles on OKC Our community of like-minded individuals is growing immensely here in my small town. It's kind've spectacular. What started with O and I scared, with no one to talk to (why I turned to this forum in the first place) has grown into acceptance and even comradery.

Also, I found a great rock band to play in, and just got back from a short tour and recording session.

Until next time,
RS
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  #18  
Old 03-16-2012, 03:46 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is online now
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Awesomeness!

Congratulations on your engagement (and your comradery with others).

Thanks for the update.
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3+ yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS
TT: poly bi male, married to Lotus, FB with JaneQ
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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