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Old 08-26-2010, 05:01 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by ThatRomanticGeek View Post
LOL, no problem. Michelle is only the second girl I ever dated, and the first was a certifiable psycho. I just kinda regret not dating more girls (not that I would trade my wife for that). So when she brought up the idea of opening our marriage, it appealed to me for that reason.

Indeed. I feel that way about my husband sometimes. He has only had sex with two other people besides me and I don't think he even wants to "sow some wild oats", but I understand that some people do want to "experience more people". I've "experienced" lots of people already so I don't have that issue!
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Old 08-26-2010, 08:40 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hi there. Yes I would wonder if this is a cowgirl you've got on your hands. Not that that is bad, just not compatible with your lifestyle.

I tend to hesitate when I hear of secondaries who haven't achieved the typical goals of marriage/house/children. Sure not everyone wants that, but when one has had that and it is no longer, they at least understand it and can empathize with those that do. I actually started a thread on that if you're interested. I can't remember what its called and don't have time to find it just now... Oh! I think its called merged and unmerged relationships.

Mono, my boyfriend is a man that has been there, done that and is now quite content to be a secondary. Even if I don't concider him as such. He can write more on that if he wants.

Really all hear in your story is a whole lot of NRE and not much reality. I agree with derby, give it at least a year and a half (especially long distance!) and see where you are at then. In the mean time, work on your marriage and ensure the foundation of your life is stable. No foundation, no poly in my opinion and in your circumstances. Lastly, look after yourself, you are your own primary and I think if it were me I would be doing a lot of soul searching and question asking of myself.

There are a lot of others in your boat on threads here, perhaps doing some reading of others stories will help.
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Old 08-26-2010, 09:44 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Cowgirl for sure..and that is not meant to be a negative comment. If you look at the other stuff outside of your relationship the odds are not in favour of a poly set up.

Her stuff:
She is deeply christian...her family is therefore probably deeply christian. Even if she can get over the idea of you having a wife, the external pressure from her family will be immense I imagine.

She feels she deserves to be loved the same way she does..with total commitment to one person and exclusivity no doubt....and she does deserve to experience this because it truly does feel different.

You have said she wants the "white picket fence" and 2.5 kids. She can't get that in the way she would with a man for herself. She can have something possibly really great, but it won't be what her friends and family have...unless of course she finds a new community of friends.

Your stuff:

You've already mentioned the affects of you leaving your wife for her would have on your children, which means you have thought about it.

You've mentioned the possibility of your wife taking a secondary role to enable you to build a family with this new woman. Which means you've thought about it.

You feel that you could be mono with Bree and be happy in that..which means you have thought about it and that Bree fills a broader spectrum of needs and excitement than your wife does in this moment. (NRE probably has a huge part in this)

Perhaps this is a case of a Cowgirl meeting a Serial Monogamist?

The only reason I have made it to this point in my relationship is because some one else met my mono needs and expectations....your girlfriend seems pretty monogamous to me; by conditioning certainly, by nature perhaps. Regardless, in the end, I doubt she will settle for anything less than what is "normal" and acceptable in her world. In her world, and the world I left behind, sharing a partner is not either.

I hope you all find happiness

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-26-2010 at 10:00 PM.
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Old 08-26-2010, 11:35 PM
ThatRomanticGeek ThatRomanticGeek is offline
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I'm not sure I buy that she's a cowgirl (although, I think I'll grant that I'm a serial monogamist). She places high value on my relationship with Michelle and my kids, and has pointed out several times that she admires Michelle a great deal. If she thought I'd leave Michelle (which I won't, but NRE makes you feel stupid things sometimes) she'd undoubtedly be pissed off at me.

And yes, she's deeply Christian, but she's so progressive on other topics, I can't be 100% certain that's holding her back. Family is a big part of it, I'm sure. And the dream that most typical little girls have of growing up, finding her prince, and living happily ever after.

She keeps lamenting, "it's not fair..." She feels like she's found the man of her dreams, but so far can't reconcile the poly side of it.

As I read the varied responses here, it occurs to me that everyone's different, every relationship is different. I wish I could help her reconcile her emotions, but if she can't... then I guess it wasn't meant to be. It breaks my heart, because I think I can make her happy...

Sigh. What a shitty feeling. I'll give it time, see how she feels after a while.

Edited to add: I should clarify, Michelle is not okay with being secondary. She's okay with being dual-primary. She says she has seniority, and seniority has its privileges.

Last edited by ThatRomanticGeek; 08-27-2010 at 12:00 AM.
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:51 AM
Confused Confused is offline
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Can I just point out that almost everyone thinks they have found the partner of their dreams when they first meet (especially when young, and 24 is really young, especially if its a first serious relationship).

I really don't believe in soulmates, I think there are so many people out there we could build very satisfying relationships with (with the right knowledge, and willingness to work together). In a long distance relationship people are so so different to living with them in real life. I currently have my partner of 12 years and a man who is slightly-more-than-a-friend. I've known this man for longer than my husband, we dated years ago and we've stayed friends. He was best man for my husband at our wedding. But he's never seen me having a tantrum, or sobbing because of PMS. He's never seen me behave really awfully because of stress with the kids or moving house or anything. Neither of us knows anything about what the other person is actually like to live with although he comes to stay at our house for weekends with my hubby and family and has done every year or more since I've known him. Its so easy to have this idea of this perfect person and partner when you've never seen any of the bad stuff.

Really, I would want to live close by, see a lot of her for at least a couple of years before even thinking about life altering decisions. I'd say this mono or otherwise. It took me more than 2 years of living with my husband before I really had a good idea of who he was and how our life would pan out. And of course things change anyway.
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Old 08-27-2010, 11:27 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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When I first met my poly partner,he was in a relationship with a totally 100% monogamous women who wanted the whole works,kids,marriage etc. When she realised that wasn't going to happen,all hell broke loose,temper tantrums,threats,you name it and eventually some of that was directed at me,his new partner. That ultimately cost her the relationship because she wasn't meant to be with a poly man(her own words). From my perspective(I would describe myself as poly-curious) I was able to accept my partner's choices not just because I truly loved him and wanted him to be happy but because I also loved myself and was secure enough to understand that this wasn't just about me. Sure I get jealous and sad but it is much less now that we communicate better.
To me,coming from a mono perspective,it sounds like Bree truly is a 100% mono and doesn't want to share you with anyone,its just how she is and if she wants something you can't give her,then you have to set her free..
I wish you luck!
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Old 08-31-2010, 04:32 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I wouldn't assume that Bree is a "cowgirl". She may just be really confused about a person and situation she's had no prior experience with, and few family members or friends who can give her some good guidance or a listening ear.

Until meeting my guy online, I'd never heard of polyamory. He didn't initially identify himself as such, but it came up after a few phone conversations. At first I was "No Way...not for me!" I believed others could love more than one person at a time, but didn't know if I could or wanted to try and find out.

But.....I just happened to really like this guy. He was open and honest that he was very committed to his current partner and a poly lifestyle. I never considered trying to "take him away" as in cowgirl style. That would have been soooo unloving. So, I changed my mind and did lots of reading and asked lots of questions. And took things slowly. Eventually I had a casual phone conversation with him and his current female partner. Then we met in person....and she and I enjoyed one another's company. (Ours has been a long distance relationship. We currently live 7 hours away from each other.) Come next week, I'm moving closer to where they live (within an hour) and we'll see how things go!

In all honesty, if some guy came into my life who wanted a mono relationship, I might go that direction. I've been married twice and loved being part of a committed couple. I can't, however, imagine not having my couple in my life at this point in time. I'm much older than Bree (55 years old), gone the mono route, came out of a conservative Christian background, have raised my children....but change can sometimes happen over time. I'm one example of that happening.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 08-31-2010 at 04:37 AM.
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