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  #191  
Old 08-27-2010, 01:10 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thanks as always. As for his wife, I'm confident she knows he's cheating, just from what she's told me, and I suspect she may have an idea who with. That's really her business, they've had issues with his infidelity long before this started. There's no sense rubbing salt in her wounds.

I'm going to give it another shot of trying to let her do this, and support her and love her. This weekend should be pretty telling. Tonight it will be the 4 of us (plus a bunch more) at a lawn fete (beer tent w/music). In a sense it's good that I'm there, helps keep the love birds in check. Tomorrow it may just be the 3 of us, and I'll be able to see the interaction better (if he doesn't pussy out again).

I do have a friend or two that are semi-aware of the issues, not the details, that I can talk to. As for my emotions, when it's all said and done, it's really up to me to find that secure place in my heart, but I'm a tough old bitch, I'll get there.
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  #192  
Old 08-27-2010, 01:38 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post

I'm going to give it another shot of trying to let her do this, and support her and love her. This weekend should be pretty telling. Tonight it will be the 4 of us (plus a bunch more) at a lawn fete (beer tent w/music). In a sense it's good that I'm there, helps keep the love birds in check..
no no no

It's not your job to keep them in check! Can't you see? He's getting off on hurting both you and his wife, with all the (open) secrets, and running off for kissy-face, the drama, the subterfuge.

Cut her loose. Stop going on her dates with him. You're her beard! Give them enough rope to hang themselves. Let them work it out between them. His wife can go along if she wants, and watch their sexual energy, and mope around in her fog of not knowing for sure (denial, not just a river in Egypt), not admitting to what is staring her in the face. You don't have to! You're worth more than this. From where I sit, you're not loving and helping your wife, you're enabling her to act in an immoral way. This is not polyamory, this is a mess.

Sorry if I sound impatient, but my ex was a people pleaser for all the wrong reasons (very low self esteem) and it drove me crazy. Be true to yourself!
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 08-27-2010 at 01:41 PM.
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  #193  
Old 08-27-2010, 01:50 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Quote:
You're her beard! Give them enough rope to hang themselves. Let them work it out between them. His wife can go along if she wants, and watch their sexual energy, and mope around in her fog of not knowing for sure (denial, not just a river in Egypt), not admitting to what is staring her in the face.
I don't disagree, I'm just not there, yet.

One additional detail, my mom, aunt and family friend are going to the same event tonight. I don't know if we'll run into them or not, but my family isn't stupid when it comes to this kind of thing. In light of my mom's current problems, I need to be my own beard too.
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  #194  
Old 08-27-2010, 07:51 PM
FireChild FireChild is offline
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Mamas are smart and wise and can tell when you're faking it.
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  #195  
Old 08-27-2010, 07:53 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Mamas are smart and wise and can tell when you're faking it.
Ya, I know, my aunt allready called me out on it a few weeks back. I just said working on some problems..

Just with Mom sick, I really don't want to add any more upset. If I can keep things cool until my family goes home (they're early birds) I just think it'd be better
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  #196  
Old 08-30-2010, 05:25 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Wanted to say thanks again for all your support, and bring, what I think might be my final update.

Friday was fine, all 4 of us and some other friends. I got too drunk, I suppose because I had anxiety knowing 'the talk' was still on the table for Sunday.

Saturday was a long story, and I'll spare all the silly 'this upset me' whining. He met us out Saturday night. I was really looking forward to the night, hoping the three of us could enjoy ourselves together, we'd go home, and I'd give them their space. Well, no such luck. I excused myself to the ladies room shortly after he got there (to give them some alone time), asked the mrs to watch my cup. (Huge pain in neck to get one at one of these beer tents. I took my time getting back to give them room. I get back to where we were all standing, see her walking away, and him across tent. I call he back, she tells me he feels like he's intruding. I tell her that's silly to go get him. Well, somehow thats not what she heard, she heard go to him, cause after watching them in each others arms, I realized I was going to be sitting alone. I left, went home.

Yesterday we started discussing the separation

Just sucks. I do see now, that my inabilty to handle this is really taking it's toll on her. I'm going to stay in the 2nd bdrm for awhile until we get our finances cleaner. It's just so damned sad. I'm heartbroke, I know it's better for her...just sucks. I did promise that we could keep this between us, and I'd still go be arm candy when she needs to present a unified couple infront of his wife, so they can continue without issue. (dont beat me up for it, I love her and she needs my help).

I do know she's starting to seek out help, and educate herself, even taking time to read here. If she does join, please go easy and remember, I've only provided one side of the story. Help her if your wisdom and experience can make her future better, kinder, and more loving.
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  #197  
Old 08-30-2010, 05:37 PM
LoveWarrior LoveWarrior is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
I do see now, that my inabilty to handle this is really taking it's toll on her. I'm going to stay in the 2nd bdrm for awhile until we get our finances cleaner. It's just so damned sad. I'm heartbroke, I know it's better for her...just sucks. I did promise that we could keep this between us, and I'd still go be arm candy when she needs to present a unified couple infront of his wife, so they can continue without issue. (dont beat me up for it, I love her and she needs my help).

I do know she's starting to seek out help, and educate herself, even taking time to read here. If she does join, please go easy and remember, I've only provided one side of the story. Help her if your wisdom and experience can make her future better, kinder, and more loving.
Please do not beat yourself up. What you were given to handle was a messy situation. I don't think that stems from simple bias on your part. Clear, open, communication on ALL parties part is the only way these situations work without someone getting left holding the shitty end of a pointed stick.

Your wife might start her self-education by reading Ethical Sluts. I am sure there are others on the boards with far more experience and knowledge than I who have other recommendations too. Actually, if you've not read it, you might want to read it to. It might help you work through your feelings about some of what you experienced and help you see clearer the roles that everyone plays in this situation.

I know (from experience) that a failed marriage HURTS like hell. But I stand here today to tell you that you can get through it, you will be stronger and you will love again.

Best wishes for the greatest of luck and love for you!
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  #198  
Old 08-30-2010, 05:42 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Thanks LW.

I did buy the Ethical Slut, and it did help me alot, haven't finished it yet.

Can you suggest another forum for her that she might not feel has been biased by my story?

Last edited by DazednConfused; 08-30-2010 at 05:43 PM. Reason: speeling
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  #199  
Old 08-30-2010, 05:56 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Thanks LW.

I did buy the Ethical Slut, and it did help me alot, haven't finished it yet.

Can you suggest another forum for her that she might not feel has been biased by my story?
PM sent
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  #200  
Old 08-31-2010, 06:04 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
Can you suggest another forum for her that she might not feel has been biased by my story?
you know, she might just find that we are tolerant when she writes her version of what is going on... She might find it helpful to do that also. I'm sure all of us would be open to hearing it... besides, how would we know it's her if she wrote anyways, unless she says... we get threads on here all the time from people that are cheating. It wouldn't be any different I would think.
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