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Old 08-30-2010, 04:39 AM
BstiNatosi BstiNatosi is offline
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 1
Default It's Always Complicated

Hello everyone, brand new here. I've read through some of the posts, as I am also new to the idea of my wife loving another man while still loving me, and the most resonant post was the one from Pie. His story is so similar to mine.

My wife of almost 10 years has been visiting an old male friend in another state off and on for years now, and just recently revealed that she has strong emotional feelings for him that could lead to a physical relationship. Needless to say, I was shocked and hurt. She says she still loves me, that I will always be "the primary", that she loves and wants to retain the life we've built together, but doesn't want to be bound to the definition of "just friends" with him when she visits. She wants it to be open to whatever might happen between them.

Although she says she loves me dearly, this is non-negotiable. She feels that she has a right to do as she pleases as an individual, but of course doesn't want to hurt me in the process, which is why I am being given this information at all. She didn't HAVE to tell me, but love and respects me enough to do so.

Although they would, of course, take it very slow so that I can acclimate, it's GOING TO HAPPEN somewhere down the road.

Like Pie, I was told that I would be free to date if I so wished, because "it's only fair". But she would prefer that I didn't because "it would complicate our lives even further".
These notions seem antithetical to what I know Polyamory to be. I don't want to be poly, and she doesn't exactly consider herself poly, she just wants to be with this one man. But she keeps sending me articles about Polyamory and how jealousy is merely an irrational fear based on one's own insecurities.
That the act of your partner having sex with another is natural, practiced in most cultures, and does not deter from the love or intimacy of the primary partnership.
She also says that, eventually, I will see the benefits of this for ME, but I fail to see HOW.
How does her having sex with another man benefit me? I can see how it would benefit her, and I get the whole compersion notion, though I don't know if and how I could get to place like that.

Please understand that I don't want to be selfish and look for a "benefit".
I don't want this to happen at all, but there's nothing I can do about it and I fully intend to stay with my wife, through thick and thin. She reassures me every day since that nothing will change in our lives, but it already has.

Her honesty I do appreciate. And for the most part, I do trust her words.
But nobody can predict the future. No one can say the grass will always be greener at home.

So here I am, at a crossroads. I am put into a position where I must understand and accept the inevitable, with love. I am to be happy for her, as having sex with another man will...bring us closer together?

And here I am, attempting just that. Dealing with thoughts that her sex life will forever change OUR sex life, for her being that intimate with someone else, all that entails, then to be with me will be.....awkward at best.

I think I'm okay with her having strong emotional feelings for him. She's known him a long time. I don't know him at all. I'm even okay if they kiss passionately, as they already have. It's the sex part I can't get past.

So, anyone who has been in this position, I'd really appreciate any thoughts on how I can learn to cope with this and still have a healthy sexual relationship with my wife.
I really do want what's best for her. This is not a tryst. This is a long standing crush that "must" eventually be realized for her.
I understand that love is not a limited resource, but sex, to me, is not something to be shared when you've married based on an implied agreement.
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