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Old 08-28-2010, 07:16 PM
MCow MCow is offline
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Default Struggling and looking for advice and guidance

My husband recently asked me to look into the poly lifestyle. Heís been involved with another person for close to a year now and they are in love with each other. He has no intention of ending this relationship, in fact, he would like nothing more than to enhance it. She is married as well, as has no intention of telling her own husband about any of this. My husband has been pretty upfront about things with me, although even that has just been a pretty recent event. The relationship is a long distance one and they donít get to see each other much that I know of, but they text and talk on the phone several times a day. They are not sexually active, per my request, but I know my husband would like nothing more than to go ahead and become sexual with her.

Iím struggling with several things and am looking for some feedback and advice from others who have gone through the roller coaster that Iím currently going on. Here is what I struggle with the most. The person heís involved with is much younger than both of us. Iím 41 and have been told I look much younger than that so itís not really that itís a look thing for me, I think itís just a mental block for me. It physically hurts me to think about my husband being intimate in every way with another woman. I could almost handle the emotional parts, but itís the whole sex part that I just cannot get over. Iím angry, jealous, hurtÖ.

She knows my husband loves me and is committed to me. He has no intentions of leaving me, and sheís okay with all that. In my opinion, she has no right NOT to be ďokayĒ with it all, Iím married to him. What little I know about this other person though, I do know that if the tables were turned and either she was married to my husband, or if my husband and I were to divorce and he wanted to continue the poly lifestyle with her and other women, she WOULD have a problem with sharing him as well. I think she just deals with it because Iím married to him.

My husband swears that his love for me has not changed at all. We have a beautiful relationship. That by allowing him to be with this other person, that he will be happier and ultimately a better husband to me and a better father to our children. As much as Iíd like to see this happen, I cannot let go of these feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, jealousyÖ..You name it, I feel it.

I canít eat, I canít sleep. Itís the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about at night. I would like to hear from others who have been on this roller coaster Iím currently on. How did you come around to accepting this lifestyle and how were you able to let go of all of the negative feelings? How do I get over the feelings of total craziness when I know heís going to be with her? It bothers me sometimes when he and I are in the middle of something and she calls or texts because he will always either take the call or answer the text and I feel that even then, sheís in the way and I resent both of them for this.
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Old 08-28-2010, 07:44 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MCow View Post
My husband swears that his love for me has not changed at all. We have a beautiful relationship. That by allowing him to be with this other person, that he will be happier and ultimately a better husband to me and a better father to our children.

I would like to hear from others who have been on this roller coaster I’m currently on. How did you come around to accepting this lifestyle and how were you able to let go of all of the negative feelings? How do I get over the feelings of total craziness when I know he’s going to be with her? It bothers me sometimes when he and I are in the middle of something and she calls or texts because he will always either take the call or answer the text and I feel that even then, she’s in the way and I resent both of them for this.
Hello....
I am going to tell you my experience.
Exactly the same situation "but I am the husband".
I love MUCH MORE my wife since she accepted my lifestyle, with other women in the house.

True love is "above anything".. keep your husband and never leave him, even if sometimes you make coffee for 3 (or more).

I will never quit a woman that simply accepts that I am "poly".

Last edited by ImaginaryIllusion; 08-28-2010 at 08:23 PM. Reason: Redirect on quoted post
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Old 08-28-2010, 07:51 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Hi, MCow. Welcome to the forum.

I am so sorry for the situation you are in. I can tell you are in a great deal of pain. My heart goes out to you.

The good news is: you're not alone, and you've found a good place to land here. You are by no means the first person to come to this forum with this kind of situation. While "my spouse wants to have an additional lover" would be a real jaw-dropper for most folks, around here . . . not so much.

So, in general, I would encourage you to look around the forum, and especially the "New to Poly"and find the other threads where ppl are working through issues like yours. It will help you feel less alone and adrift, and help give you some perspective. Plus, knowing how others are dealing with similar struggles can help you get a handle on yours. And you'll come across some terrific resources, strategies and advice as well.

I'm sure there will be wiser and more experienced poly folk who will help with better advice and insight. I mainly wanted to say Welcome, and I'm sorry you're hurting so. Good luck to you as you work through this.
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:26 PM
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gwendolenthefair gwendolenthefair is offline
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Oh, dear oh dear oh dear.

Your husband may have polyamorous inclinations, but he is not having a poly relationship. A poly relationship absolutely requires that everyone involved in it know what is going on and be on board with it. Your husband's girlfriend's husband doesn't know a thing, so that is cheating, not polyamory.

It doesn't matter if the girlfriend appears to be okay with your husband not leaving you for her, or if she's younger than you are. She is an adulterer, or a would-be adulterer, and as such, is not to be trusted an inch. She is willing to put her husband at a sexual safety risk without his consent or even his KNOWLEDGE, so how can you possibly trust her? I know cheaters, and most of them will lie about what they had for breakfast, let alone about anything important. She would steal your husband quite happily if she decided she wanted him over her own husband, and thought that he'd be willing to dump you for her.

You don't need to be OK with your husband having a sexual relationship with this woman. You DO need to put your foot down and say, no way, no day. Remember, your own sexual safety is on the line when your husband gets sexual with someone you can't trust. Tell him in no uncertain terms that he has to dump her, and don't give in on that.

I am not saying that you need to necessarily insist on monogamy from your husband from now on. Don't let this bad experience color your feelings towards him possibly having a poly relationship with someone more ethical. Just put some rules in place so that you two can explore this lifestyle with a modicum of safety and comfort. Put "No Cheaters" at the top of the list, and try to figure out what else you might want from this lifestyle.

Good luck.
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:30 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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It's laudable that he is honest with you about what's going on. It seems that he is, for the moment, also respecting your boundaries and giving you time to work out your feelings. He is in a relationship, however, that is a secret (she's not honest with her husband) which could undermine the whole dynamic. The demands on communication, honesty, and patience are sufficiently high in poly relationships that her deception is easily a problem for all.

It seems like a hard thing all around. I wonder if how your husband would react ot requesting more time?
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:56 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by MCow View Post
She is married as well, as has no intention of telling her own husband about any of this.
There's nothing poly about that. She's cheating with him and he's enabling it. Nothing open and honest and ethical about that.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

While polyamory, open relationships, and swinging are all distinctly different approaches to non-monogamy, they are not mutually exlusive. Folks can, and some do, engage in more than one of them at a time--and it's all good.
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Old 08-28-2010, 08:57 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MCow View Post
My husband recently asked me to look into the poly lifestyle. Heís been involved with another person for close to a year now and they are in love with each other. He has no intention of ending this relationship, in fact, he would like nothing more than to enhance it. She is married as well, as has no intention of telling her own husband about any of this. My husband has been pretty upfront about things with me, although even that has just been a pretty recent event. The relationship is a long distance one and they donít get to see each other much that I know of, but they text and talk on the phone several times a day. They are not sexually active, per my request, but I know my husband would like nothing more than to go ahead and become sexual with her.
Good on your husband for being truthful with you. I would, however, be cautious about her role in his life.

Quote:
or if my husband and I were to divorce and he wanted to continue the poly lifestyle with her and other women, she WOULD have a problem with sharing him as well. I think she just deals with it because Iím married to him.
She's fine as long as the other shoe doesn't drop then? She's definitely not keeper material, at least IMO. Talk to him, tell him what you see happening between the two of them. Tell him your fears. Ask him for what you need in your relationship with him.

Quote:
My husband swears that his love for me has not changed at all. We have a beautiful relationship. That by allowing him to be with this other person, that he will be happier and ultimately a better husband to me and a better father to our children. As much as Iíd like to see this happen, I cannot let go of these feelings of hurt, anger, resentment, jealousyÖ..You name it, I feel it.
www.xeromag.com has some great advice.

Quote:
I canít eat, I canít sleep. Itís the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last thing I think about at night. I would like to hear from others who have been on this roller coaster Iím currently on. How did you come around to accepting this lifestyle and how were you able to let go of all of the negative feelings? How do I get over the feelings of total craziness when I know heís going to be with her?
Read the above website. Really.

My lightbulb moment came when I realized that Breathes CHOSE to come home to me each night, each time he went out with someone else. He comes home because this is where he wants to be & I'm who he wants to be with. The only things that will change that is if I do something to cause loss of trust & do it maliciously, otherwise there's nothing that's going to change it.

Quote:
It bothers me sometimes when he and I are in the middle of something and she calls or texts because he will always either take the call or answer the text and I feel that even then, sheís in the way and I resent both of them for this.
Have the two of you talked about boundaries, set some up (other than no sex as yet)? Until he can finally tell her where to get off you might want to request that every night, for say three hours (from the start of dinner till bedtime) there be absolutely no contact between the two of them as you feel you aren't getting his undivided attention. Explain to him how all these calls & texts make YOU feel. Don't talk to him accusingly or anything like that but do let him know that those taken calls & texts are concerning you and infringing upon the time the two of you have together.
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Old 08-28-2010, 09:48 PM
MCow MCow is offline
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Default Thank you for your responses

Wow. I can't believe the number of responses I've gotten already. Thank you so much for the feedback so far. My husband read these posts also and I think we've both realized there are some things he needs to discuss with the other person involved. They are valid points and I appreciate them very much as does he.

If anyone here who posted has ever felt like I do and you were able to get over the feelings of jealousy, I would sure appreciate knowing more about how you did that. I will check into the websites that have been offered up here and see where that leads me. I look forward to additional feedback as it comes up.
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Old 08-28-2010, 09:51 PM
MCow MCow is offline
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Thanks for your response. I would love to talk to someone like your wife who maybe had some issues with it in the beginning but has come to accept it. I would love to hear about her journey.
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Old 08-29-2010, 06:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Hello MCow, everyone has given you some great advice. I suggest you do a tag search on here for topics that you want to know about specifically, ie. Jealousy, cheating, affairs... There are a lot of people in the same boat as you who have a lot of knowedge and their hard earned wisdom is written here on the threads and posts.

I'm so glad to hear that your husband had the integrity to fess up and that he is whiling to learn and grow and make this lifestyle feasable for you.

I wouldn't suggest he continue with this woman until she has also fessed up to her husband and dealt with that before getting in so deep that she destroys the lives of her husband, children and most of all herself. If your husband continues with her, he also will be damaged by this and so will you, as there is really nothing more painful than to realize you are destroying the ever so delicate and unique trust between a man and his wife. It permiates everything in s relationship dynamic eventually. Relationship trust is akin to a childs trust of its parent to me. The bonds and commitments we made when we married created that and to tinker with that creates a world of suffering far beyond what she is imagining right now.

Please realize I say that from far too much experience. I don't say it from no where.

I agree with the idea of discussing boundaries and negotiating what those might be. I don't agree with rules as they are controlling to me and manipulative. Boundaries are far more fluid and can be made by both parties to be changed as needed. Sure, you will both compromise, but compromise for the long haul doesn't seem to work. It seems it means that the boundaries need renegotating when a compromise is getting in the way of ones happiness. Negotiating boundaries on everything will be and should be, I think, an on going discussion that has life within your relationship. There can be criteria however, such as condom use... These you would have to discussed between the two of you.

For example, its a great idea I think to request certain times he is available to talk to her. Everything comes from a need and its important to keep your eye out for what you need and request it. I would suggest that your issue with him texting is that he is not present with you and your family and she gets in the way of that. Your need is for him to be present and attentive to you. If you know this, then that will come up again in different forms and you can address it as such. I need you to pay attention to me. He then will be able to pay attention to that and act out of knowing that.

Sorry, this might be confusing and a lot to take in, I hope not, but in time maybe it will make sense.

Another thing to remember is that there is no rush in all this. His passion for this woman is new and overwhelming. Its called NRE. He needs to remember that while he is all excited about her and about the prospect of what might be with her or others or poly in general, you are not. It is respectful and necessary I think to go at the pace of the one who is struggling the most. That way things can unfold in due course and be comfortable. The whole idea is that everyone is comfortable and feeling good about what is happening. Otherwise it tends to blow up and outwards onto everyone in your life.

Please stick with us here as there are a lot of people to talk to who ARE poly and if this is what your husband want/need, then you will definitely need support.
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