how to handle love/being loved
I wonder if somebody could give me a better perspective on things and advise on how I should handle certain aspects of human relationships.
The way I see it is that to some extend love is possible with many different people, however only a few (or possibly even one) are right for a person.
I was for years in a very unhappy relationship, and also previously have had casual sex, which often did not make me happy.
At some point I have started to work on myself, develop myself and only act/do things consciously and with integrity.. basically I have felt that I have become more in touch with myself and knew what I wanted.
As my personal life was still not sorted out (I did not have a job at the time).. I felt that I was not ready for a relationship- I was going out with 2 girls in that period (I am bisexual), but things kind of ended when I started to feel pressured into a relationship when I was not ready for it. Basically I feel that my priority should be working on myself.
Then about 4-5 months ago.. I have met J. and things melted in the most beautiful way. We both value personal progress/development and care about the other reaching their full potential. Talking to him, being with him.. had a kind of deep therapeutic effect.. I felt that for years I was shutting my "core", my soul away.. and our encounter has melted this away. I am so much fuller, more "me" with him.. and so is he with me. I truly does feel that together, we are more than just the sum of ourselves.
We met online (where else ) and were really careful not to rush things.
Eventually 2,3 months into talking to each other, I was finally able to see him..we kind of agreed to "leave things open for now" but also started to refer to each other as bf-gf. I miss him, but.. having previously left everything just to "be with somebody" I am really careful to avoid making the same mistake again. Just knowing that we have found each other is so great.. and we are confident in each other... in the end we do have an entire life to share.. we don't need to rush things, in the end "we" is about him and me being ourselves and not "us" becoming the destructive, all consuming force that would make our lives stop in their tracks. (but he does call me his wife sometimes.. and it does not fell incorrect in any way).
But then.. since we've met.. I have so much more radiant and happy and this attracts people to me. To be honest I don't know what to do with this attraction... to some extend I think that being friends does not exclude some form of physical contact.. and since J felt comfortable with me also having experiences with other people.... I did kiss/ make out with some occasionally, although never moved to having full sex (even though J mad it clear he would be ok. with this)..but it just would not have felt right to do that.
And then...I have a RL friend M., with whom I kissed, hugged sometimes etc.. kind of in between him dating and reporting the outcomes to me. I have never seen our physical side as more than an expression of "I like you and you are cute". Then about a week ago.. we had a psychedelic trip together, which was really lovely... and he confessed that he never had sex with anyone. I don't know... it felt like it was a problem for him and I felt that my role as a friend was to have sex with him to "get it done and over with". To my surprise, since M had a lot of experience of yoga, there was a strong, how to say.." out of body" part to the experience.. and at some point I felt that maybe I could also love him....but that he will never be the sort of partner that J is for me.
I spoke to J about it... and he is ok with me seeing somebody else, if I wish to.
But I am not sure: for me the experience was awesome, but I see it as two people getting to know each other and exploring the way they interact, and it really did start for me only as a sexual favour.
I would be happy to explore M and me together.. but.. I am worried that he might be moving faster than I feel comfortable with.
He already said that he loves me, and that he brushed off his other date, since he he sees himself as "taken" .
And I just don't know how to handle this... my motivation with M was to act on a certain attraction and curiosity (and to get rid of a problem for him). But I am certainly not ready to enter a relationship with him, and I have no idea if I love him on any other than the "sister level", or if I only saw the potential for this.
I am worried that he might have fallen to the intensities which are a result of psychedelics.
And I am also aware that.. M falling for me would not have happened if I did not meet J, since he is the true originator of the lovely glow of love inside me.
So damn it.. I don't know what would be the "ethical" way to handle this.. I don't want to hurt M, but either way seems wrong....seeing him and forming some kind of relationship would feel wrong.. because I do see J as my only true partner, the only person I can submit too and I would not be able to give that to M.. on the other hand I do care about and feel drawn to M... but I worry that I could become somehow disconnected from J.. and it would be truly painful.
But I also don't want to hurt M by leaving him.. but I wish he was a bit stronger and did not fall for me so easily.
It is just feels that more I try to do the "right thing" I either end up hurting people, or doing something against my own integrity.
Please if you could be bothered to read this, I would be most grateful for your opinions.. since to some extend it has become to complicated.