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  #1  
Old 03-14-2019, 11:41 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Default My Hydra: Part 2

So now I have a solid strategy as to how to solve my first issue thanks to this community and a special thanks to @GalaGirl. And so my hydra rears its second head. Although this one is much tamer and surprisingly simple compared to my first post. I will be repeating a few details from my first post and adding a few more for the sake of clarity.

I am an 18 y/o poly bi-curious guy who is in his first year in college. I have a girlfriend who is 17 turning 18 next month. She is bisexual, in her junior year of high school, and is poly-curious. We both have feelings for an 18 y/o girl who is a senior at the same school as my girlfriend. She has been a great friend and teammate to both of us. The issue is that well... she has never been in a romantic relationship much less a polyamorous one. Obviously, we don't want to scare her off and overwhelm her. A small snag is that she is also straight but that is small compared to the main issue.

TLDR; How do I ask out a girl into a polyamorous relationship that has never dated before?

Any and all help will be greatly appreciated.
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  #2  
Old 03-15-2019, 02:11 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Gad the other thread helped you some.

I think you could both wait to poly and skip trying to poly with THIS girl.

Because from your other thread, your present GF doesn't have her mental health issues under management so it isn't like you are offering your potential to get involved in a poly network that contains two healthy dating partners. And doing poly comes with a lot of stress for newbies. Your GF has enough things on her plate without adding extra stress to it at this time.

A triad is one of the hardest models. It's essentially 3 V's stacked up on each other. Starting there when none of you have even done a poly relationship before (and the HS senior never dated period) -- it's taking on a lot.

Being straight is NOT "a small snag." It means she wouldn't be interested in dating your GF.

As for HOW to ask the potential out? You could ask her out and clarify that it is a poly relationship. If that's her cup of tea, great. If not, and she prefers monogamous dating? No problem. Thank her for her time.

But I suggest you don't ask this girl out. Date elsewhere.

Something you might not have considered -- if asking her out goes badly and the senior girl spreads it around the high school that you two practice poly/are weirdos/whatever? Doesn't affect you too much -- you are away at college. Doesn't affect her too much. She graduates in a matter of months. It could come down hard on your junior GF who goes to the school who ALREADY feels a lot of pressure from her parents. Adding kids making fun of her for trying poly? That could be a big mess when she still has to clock another year there to HS grad. I doubt the parents would transfer her to another school when it's already hard for her to get them to attend to her health care.

If the senior girl has been a friend to you and your GF so far? Maybe your GF needs all the friends she has for a support system. Don't wreck it and take that away. There's enough people in the world for you to poly date without going right to the potentially messy ones.

If your GF brings her mental health care under better management, and YOU want to poly date? Then I would suggest you ask someone out at the college, not at the HS. Leave the HS dating to her because that's where she is at. And you date at the college because that is where you are at. Figure on each of you dating separate people, not unicorn hunting. A "V" or an "N" model rather than a triad with a unicorn.

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 03-15-2019 at 02:39 AM.
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  #3  
Old 03-15-2019, 04:06 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
Gad the other thread helped you some.

I think you could both wait to poly and skip trying to poly with THIS girl.

Because from your other thread, your present GF doesn't have her mental health issues under management so it isn't like you are offering your potential to get involved in a poly network that contains two healthy dating partners. And doing poly comes with a lot of stress for newbies. Your GF has enough things on her plate without adding extra stress to it at this time.

A triad is one of the hardest models. It's essentially 3 V's stacked up on each other. Starting there when none of you have even done a poly relationship before (and the HS senior never dated period) -- it's taking on a lot.

Being straight is NOT "a small snag." It means she wouldn't be interested in dating your GF.

As for HOW to ask the potential out? You could ask her out and clarify that it is a poly relationship. If that's her cup of tea, great. If not, and she prefers monogamous dating? No problem. Thank her for her time.

But I suggest you don't ask this girl out. Date elsewhere.

Something you might not have considered -- if asking her out goes badly and the senior girl spreads it around the high school that you two practice poly/are weirdos/whatever? Doesn't affect you too much -- you are away at college. Doesn't affect her too much. She graduates in a matter of months. It could come down hard on your junior GF who goes to the school who ALREADY feels a lot of pressure from her parents. Adding kids making fun of her for trying poly? That could be a big mess when she still has to clock another year there to HS grad. I doubt the parents would transfer her to another school when it's already hard for her to get them to attend to her health care.

If the senior girl has been a friend to you and your GF so far? Maybe your GF needs all the friends she has for a support system. Don't wreck it and take that away. There's enough people in the world for you to poly date without going right to the potentially messy ones.

If your GF brings her mental health care under better management, and YOU want to poly date? Then I would suggest you ask someone out at the college, not at the HS. Leave the HS dating to her because that's where she is at. And you date at the college because that is where you are at. Figure on each of you dating separate people, not unicorn hunting. A "V" or an "N" model rather than a triad with a unicorn.

Galagirl
Again, I apologize for leaving out either important or different details. With what you and a few other people said it seems best to wait until my GF gets the helps she needs and that in and of itself will take some time which is not quite as important as I thought it was.

I trust her not to spread or go behind either of our backs. She is the one I had trusted to help or check up on my girlfriend. She isn't exactly an extrovert like myself and many of my friends. That fear is surprisingly one that did not concern me.
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Old 03-15-2019, 06:30 PM
Tinwen Tinwen is offline
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The "messy person" issue is an important one... if you try something with this girl, and it goes wrong, your gf has lost her best friend.

Having said that, you could keep things simple - one date at a time. Instead of "would you like a poly relationship?" you could ask "would you like to cuddle with us right now?" and see how that goes.

It's possible to not have a full blown triad, but still introduce some degree of intimacy in your friendship. Maybe she'd love her back scratched, but isn't going to have sex with either of you. Maybe she's into you, but not your gf. Maybe she'd experiment a bit with your gf, but not you. You can't tell until you try.

Are your feelings overwhelming, or is it a "friendship first, I can take or leave the sexual part" kind of thing?
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Old 03-15-2019, 08:18 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re (from MuffinButton):
Quote:
"How do I ask out a girl into a polyamorous relationship that has never dated before?"
I suppose you do it in stages ... First you ask her if she has ever heard of polyamory ... then you ask her what she thinks of it ... then if that goes well, you confess to her that you are poly ... then you ask her how she feels about that ... then if that goes well, you ask her if she'd want to be poly with you.

One little thing at a time.

Of course, you must decide if this particular girl is the one you want to ask. Maybe it is better to just keep her as a friend. If you do ask her out, expect it to be a V type situation. Not a triad, as she is heterosexual. Just some things to think about ... I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #6  
Old 03-19-2019, 03:35 AM
WhatHappened WhatHappened is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MuffinButton View Post
We both have feelings for an 18 y/o girl .. Obviously, we don't want to scare her off .. A small snag is that she is also straight but that is small compared to the main issue.
So this girl is only interested in men...but you're thinking of 'inviting' her to be sexual with both you and your girlfriend? Despite the fact she has no desire to have sexual activity with women?

You don't see the creep factor in this? Pushing someone to be sexual in a way they don't want to be?

Sure she can say no...but be aware that (as MayDecember just said in another post) you can't always put the genie back in the bottle. You can't unring a bell. Once you tell this girl that you and your girlfriend want to have sex with her, the friendship may be forever altered. Your girlfriend may lose her completely as a friend.

Something people learn as they mature is that just because we have 'feelings'... doesn't mean we have to act on them. So you both 'have feelings' for this girl. So what. That doesn't mean it's wise to proposition her.

Try to think what you want long term from her friendship and how propositioning her is going to affect that.
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Old 03-19-2019, 01:57 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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2 things:

1) Please choose nicknames for your friends. I am like a broken record, constantly repeating this to all new members. It's right in our Guidelines, this request.

We can't keep saying "your girlfriend" and "this girl," for these individuals, without confusion. So, thanks.

I will use Cat for your gf and Bird for the friend.

2) If you are interested in a sexual relationship with Bird, that's between the 2 of you. You may or may not ask her out, and attempt sexual behavior.

If Cat is interested sexually in Bird, that is between them. Cat may or may not ask Bird out, and attempt sexual behavior.

If you, as a typical male, have a sexual threesome fantasy, FMF, go for it at college. Don't attempt it with mentally ill Cat, who is struggling, and her good friend Bird, who is probably straight. That's asking for trouble.

You don't have to do sexual threesomes to have a "polyamorous relationship." Triads are rare in poly, where all 3 people are romantically and sexually into each other. Relationships, romantic and sexual interest, tend to wax and wane. So even if you have a good, hot sex session or 3, generally one of the partners will decide they are only into ONE of the others, not both. Or if an established couple (you and Cat) both proposition your "unicorn," Bird, she might fear the stronger bond you two have and be uncomfortable as a third wheel, or feeling "lesser" as your shared secondary. Some unicorns even end up feeling like a sex toy used to spice up a couple's sex life. No woman wants to feel like a silicone sex doll (unless they are really kinky and into being objectified, but that's a much more advanced topic).

If you and Cat fantasize about Bird while you're having sex or sexting, imagining her in bed with the 2 of you, doing XYZ to you while Cat watches, or whatever, and you both find this fantasy hot, fine. But fantasy and reality rarely match up. Cat might find it hot to imagine having Bird in bed with you and her, but in reality it might freak her out, gross her out, make her feel left out, make her jealous, destroy her arousal and make her unable to cum, make her "freeze" and check out mentally, etc., etc. These are all emotions women who have tried sexual threesomes with their male partner and another woman have felt, and expressed, here on this board, and elsewhere in poly literature.

We've already recommended against dating Bird, for several reasons. But if you want to practice poly, and Cat is OK with it, gives her joyous consent, you can ask out whoever you want, another college student, or a town person, where you are living. Why focus on a long distance relationship with Bird?
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  #8  
Old 03-19-2019, 03:04 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tinwen View Post
The "messy person" issue is an important one... if you try something with this girl, and it goes wrong, your gf has lost her best friend.

Having said that, you could keep things simple - one date at a time. Instead of "would you like a poly relationship?" you could ask "would you like to cuddle with us right now?" and see how that goes.

It's possible to not have a full blown triad, but still introduce some degree of intimacy in your friendship. Maybe she'd love her back scratched, but isn't going to have sex with either of you. Maybe she's into you, but not your gf. Maybe she'd experiment a bit with your gf, but not you. You can't tell until you try.

Are your feelings overwhelming, or is it a "friendship first, I can take or leave the sexual part" kind of thing?
Yes, I am sexually attracted to this girl, who I will from this point on referring to as S, but a sexual relationship is not essential. I don't want to force something on her. I apologize for mixing my own 'best case scenario' with the issue itself. It presents a different view than I am trying to convey. I want to take her through this slowly so I am not coercing her, even if unintentionally.
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  #9  
Old 03-19-2019, 03:13 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re (from MuffinButton):


I suppose you do it in stages ... First you ask her if she has ever heard of polyamory ... then you ask her what she thinks of it ... then if that goes well, you confess to her that you are poly ... then you ask her how she feels about that ... then if that goes well, you ask her if she'd want to be poly with you.

One little thing at a time.

Of course, you must decide if this particular girl is the one you want to ask. Maybe it is better to just keep her as a friend. If you do ask her out, expect it to be a V type situation. Not a triad, as she is heterosexual. Just some things to think about ... I hope that helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
In a failed attempt to try to get closer to S. due to my own lack of self-confidence, I had revealed polyamory and that I am poly. I did not get to the point of actually telling S how I feel about her but I'm sure she might've seen it as I am not good at hiding my true intention especially when talking to someone I care about. I have thought of keeping S as a friend, I personally feel as if it were a lost opportunity which now being in college I am trying not to just let situations like that pass me due to my own anxiety or fear.

I am open to anything that happens in the relationship, it has just been a matter of getting to that step that has caused issues. One of them being my current partner, who I'll call AL, that Galagirl and I talked about in this thread.
http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=117608
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  #10  
Old 03-19-2019, 03:18 PM
MuffinButton MuffinButton is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WhatHappened View Post
So this girl is only interested in men...but you're thinking of 'inviting' her to be sexual with both you and your girlfriend? Despite the fact she has no desire to have sexual activity with women?

You don't see the creep factor in this? Pushing someone to be sexual in a way they don't want to be?

Sure she can say no...but be aware that (as MayDecember just said in another post) you can't always put the genie back in the bottle. You can't unring a bell. Once you tell this girl that you and your girlfriend want to have sex with her, the friendship may be forever altered. Your girlfriend may lose her completely as a friend.

Something people learn as they mature is that just because we have 'feelings'... doesn't mean we have to act on them. So you both 'have feelings' for this girl. So what. That doesn't mean it's wise to proposition her.

Try to think what you want long term from her friendship and how propositioning her is going to affect that.
This was my mistake in letting the truth and my own bias intertwine in my post. I simply want to invite S into a poly relationship. Whatever happens happens and I can accept that. For right now, there really is no sexual relationship between me and my partner AL due to issues with parents that I will not get into. With S I hopefully am less bound/hated and will actually be allowed to see her but because she has never been in a relationship, do not want to force her to do anything sexual or other.
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