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  #11  
Old 08-27-2010, 03:27 PM
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Skyknight25m Skyknight25m is offline
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Default and then there's poly dating...

There is one more thing that seems pretty unfair to me. Now that G is living with us, we are a poly triad, except for S is bisexual but me and G are not. As expected, S and G are still going through a period of NRE where I'm kind of in the background for a while. This seems like a great time for me to try seeing other women, and I feel eager to do that. But what woman in her right mind would want to date a married man, one who is partially autistic?

My wife encourages me to find a girlfriend, but she has forbidden me from just sleeping around casually. She wants me to find someone who would want to eventually move in with us and form a closed quartet that only has sex within that family unit. But once the triad has formed, it would seem extremely difficult to ever grow it into a quartet. When you have two couples that merge, it's easier, but now not only do I have to find a woman who LIKES me and is AVAILABLE, but she also has to be poly-friendly AND she has to like kids AND she has to get along well with S and G. I would be lucky to find a woman who wants to date, let alone a woman that would ever eventually consider moving in. I can't even dangle the carrot of having multiple men in bed, because G refuses to get naked in front of me let alone do a threesome. And he's not very good looking. My wife is bi, but my chances of finding that hot bi babe unicorn are ridiculously low as you all joke about so often.

It's so discouraging. I made a profile on OKCupid and there are so many interesting women out there in my town, even women who like to play D&D! But as soon as they see that I'm married, they don't even bother replying to my message.

FML
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  #12  
Old 08-27-2010, 03:36 PM
freeantigone freeantigone is offline
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This is just my opinion, but you've been screwed over here. It doesn't seem that at any point have your feelings been acknowledged and no negotiation has occurred. To me, this isn't so much a poly relationship as you supporting 3 kids: your wife, her lover & your child.

If I were you I'd kick them both out and let them sleep in the bed they've made.

I stress, that is just my opinion.
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  #13  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:04 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyknight25m View Post
he bought himself some Star Wars miniatures with money he got from his grandparents in a birthday card. In fact, I have paid for them to go out to dinner and a movie once. [snip]

When I come home from work, my toddler is running naked through the house. A potted plant has been dumped out in the kitchen, the garbage is overflowing, all the dishes are dirty, there's food stains on the carpet. G notices that the DVDs on the bookshelf are not organized correctly. He carefully alphabetizes them. Then he goes back to his pristine bedroom to play more videogames.
Congratulations. You now have three children.

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Originally Posted by freeantigone View Post
To me, this isn't so much a poly relationship as you supporting 3 kids: your wife, her lover & your child.
Oh I mean FOUR children! I was thinking of the toddler, the boyfriend, and the baby in the oven. I forgot to include your wife as one of the children.

I will probably get reamed for this by the oppression-and-marginalization police for daring to have an opinion without knowing absolutely everything everyone involved is thinking, but you know what? I DON'T CARE.

I wish there was some way I could help you go back in time and prevent this from ever happening. I really really feel bad for you as the supportive partner, you bought them condoms and everything, and FOOSH... she has the nerve to criticize your PENIS? Never mind that it wasn't even your CHOICE to be circumcised??? Arrested for SHOPLIFTING from HOT TOPIC? I don't know what part of this to fixate on...

You are way too good for your wife.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 08-27-2010 at 04:11 PM.
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  #14  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:11 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyknight25m View Post
My wife encourages me to find a girlfriend, but she has forbidden me from just sleeping around casually.
Whats casual? Do you want casual sex? Or connected sex?

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She wants me to find someone who would want to eventually move in with us and form a closed quartet that only has sex within that family unit. But once the triad has formed, it would seem extremely difficult to ever grow it into a quartet. When you have two couples that merge, it's easier, but now not only do I have to find a woman who LIKES me and is AVAILABLE, but she also has to be poly-friendly AND she has to like kids AND she has to get along well with S and G.
Thats definitely a tough one. Finding this type of unicorn is going to be an effort in futility. How do you approach a woman

"hi there, I am interested in dating you, what you can expect from me is a require boyfriend, my girlfriend, foursome sex and you won't be allowed to date anyone else"

Yep, hate to say it but you are getting locked into a very difficult situation with no room to negotiate. I don't know what you wife is like, but you might want to consider putting your foot down and having a harsh reality talk. It almost sounds as if she really doesn't want you to find someone, making the rules brutal so that you are in fact stuck in a one vagina relationship. I wonder if she found a gf if you would be able to share. Just some thoughts. You definitely need to fight for your rights in this relationship. You are losing them by the minute it seems.

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And he's not very good looking.
Attractiveness is subjective. Don't let what you think of as hot hinder your ability to find a women. You just never know.

For example, my wife finds the long haired scrawny headbanger look pretty ugly. But guess what, lots of women love it.

Quote:
It's so discouraging. I made a profile on OKCupid and there are so many interesting women out there in my town, even women who like to play D&D! But as soon as they see that I'm married, they don't even bother replying to my message.

FML
Well at least you game. Maybe look up cons and competitions in your area. You just never know. It is in fact a good spot to meet poly people

Good luck
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  #15  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:14 PM
Bibliophile Bibliophile is offline
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Regarding the poly dating bit, I can understand how it might be difficult to find someone compatible, but it's not an insurmountable problem. After all, I'm poly, bi, I have children, and I used to date an Aspie. That both he and I were highly geared towards precision in our communication was definitely a bonus, as was a shared interest in linguistics (although I never could quite share his enthusiasm for trains ). What I'm saying is, since I exist it stands to reason that other women in your area who would be compatible also exist. Everyone has things about themselves that might make it more difficult to find willing partners; it's more your attitude towards those things that predicts whether you'll be successful or not. Finding one who would also be interested in S and G would be more complicated, but still possible.

What concerns me more is how the communication between the three of you has broken down, and how it seems from your description that your needs are being ignored. The lack of condom usage, when it's clear that you expected condoms to be used, is an example. I can understand a dislike for condoms, but there are ways to work around that. Is it the latex or the spermicide causing the sensitivity? Have other brands been tried? Even something as simple as taking a Benadryl beforehand can alleviate some of the problems. Now, it's a bit moot, as she's already pregnant.

You've been incredibly supportive in this situation, and from an outside perspective, it does seem that they've taken this as an opportunity to walk all over you. At the very least, I think a long conversation with all three of you present and participating is in order. Your needs are just as important as theirs are, and yours are not being met in the current arrangement.
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  #16  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:29 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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If I were Manga Boi's parents I would have driven him from Georgia to Illinois too. Good riddance, cheap.

This makes me so mad, especially where kids are involved, and even more so when children are CREATED under these circumstances.
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  #17  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:37 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Skyknight25m View Post
Originally I had said that I would feel more comfortable if they waited at least a week to have sex. That really bothered S and she kept trying to tell me how I was being controlling and I should let go of my jealousy.
Pot...black...

Quote:
Before G moved in, I purchased condoms and divided them into two bags, and gave one to him when he arrived. But my wife disapproved of the condoms because she says she is slightly allergic to them. She believes in natural family planning (rhythm method) even though the month before he arrived, she confessed to having falsely predicted her ovulation days. But you know where this is going... I later found out that no condoms were used, and that they probably conceived the first night they had sex. Now she is almost 2 months pregnant. She says that she is 99% sure that G is the father but won't tell me how she could possibly know that, since we were both not using condoms.
Wow...this is a tough spot, you have my ... sympathies.

Quote:
Actually, several months ago she mentioned something about how being uncircumcised makes a big difference in successful conception. Even before he moved in she had been asking me to look at websites about circumcision, and telling me that my member is "mutilated" and that uncircumcised is better at pleasing a woman, better in every way. It made me cry, and it made her cry to see me get upset about it, but she kept urging me to do some sort of restoration. Finally I had to ban the subject from my house for my own self esteem. But it's not easy knowing that she prefers his.
So now she is slapping your sexuality. Jesus...I had a gf mock my uncircumcised penis once. I booted her from bed. Neither is better or worse, they just are. I would be fucking livid if any of my partners pulled this crap with me. Maybe its because, growing up, being uncircumcised was the bad thing for men to be...but the reverse of this isn't any better...

Quote:
Did I mention that my wife doesn't even sleep in the same room with me anymore? I upgraded our bed to a king size pillow top mattress so we would have plenty of room, even to co-sleep with the baby. Then I gave our old mattress to G because he didn't have anything to sleep on. But she says that the new mattress is "too soft" and she read that it's bad/dangerous for pregnant women to sleep on pillow top mattresses. So she ALWAYS sleeps in G's bed, and I am always sleeping alone in my room.
Ok, I come from a bit of a bdsm background and see things in interesting and creative ways. She sounds like she is a dominant trying to build her family of submissive s to control and manipulate. This really rings in a lot of poly setups I read about on fetlife that also have the D/s dynamic.

Quote:
When I came out to my parents about our polyamory, they were shocked and disgusted and threatened to stop talking to me until things changed. They said all kinds of horrible things about my wife and I ended up swearing out my parents in her defense. After several weeks of no contact I just recently started to mend relations with my parents/family, who have decided to be more accepting of our poly lifestyle. But it's certainly difficult for me to say that this is a great lifestyle when so many things seem to be going against me lately. Meanwhile, my wife has not told anyone in her family yet and she will probably delay telling them as long as she can.
Family wants to protect. Maybe they are less tolerant of poly because they see your wife through different eyes.

Quote:
Based on what you've read, you could either say that I'm the most amazingly tolerant and supportive husband ever, or that I'm being walked all over. Personally, I'm convinced it's the former and that a lot of these issues are just temporary ones. But then I'm an optimist and I like to believe that people can change and grow if they apply themselves and believe in something. I believe in the love that my wife and I share because she tells me "I love you" every day, and I see it in her eyes and feel it when she embraces me.
I could say this and I would believe it. Without the other side of the story you sound like you are a great poly hubby and she is NOT a good poly wife. She wants her cake, wants you to know how to make it and doesn't want to do the work to understand how this works.
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  #18  
Old 08-27-2010, 04:46 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Originally Posted by freeantigone View Post
This is just my opinion, but you've been screwed over here. It doesn't seem that at any point have your feelings been acknowledged and no negotiation has occurred. To me, this isn't so much a poly relationship as you supporting 3 kids: your wife, her lover & your child.

If I were you I'd kick them both out and let them sleep in the bed they've made.

I stress, that is just my opinion.
All of this plus an ass-kicking

She's used you as a paycheck and door mat from my perspective. Time to kick them out on thier asses. Really, who will blame you once they know her story. She'll be crucified and rightly so. She's making a fool of you my friend.

Sorry if this is harsh..massive trigger pushed on this one.
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Last edited by MonoVCPHG; 08-27-2010 at 05:55 PM.
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  #19  
Old 08-27-2010, 05:09 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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I'll re-evaluate my "judgment" when she and the boyfriend come on here and give me material to work with. I'm curious to see how this scenario could be spun into making it look like this is a responsible way to create children.

I'm sorry - it stops being your private business when people who have no choice or power are brought into existence.

"natural family planning" my sweetslapping bum-bum.
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  #20  
Old 08-27-2010, 05:16 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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It seems to me there is one word to use here... "WHIPPED!"

Wow is she taking advantage of you and he is too. It sounds like he can't take care of himself let alone a baby.

I know you have autism but is there nothing in you that is screaming?! This man has come into your marriage at her whim; and you did nothing to stop it, came into your child's life and influences her; and you did nothing to stop it, came into your sex life and created a secondary, excuse me, non-existent roll for you; and you have done nothing to stop it, has used you for your money and support; and you have done nothing to stop it, has destroyed any kind of good energy in your household; and you have done nothing to stop it.... where is your back bone is to stand up for yourself, your child and your family.

This is so unacceptable to me. You have created this situation by allowing it to happen way back the first time you wrote. It takes more than just her or him... you did this too. She sounds like she has lost complete respect for you because you fought her on NOTHING. and the measly times you did you backed down and let her have her way.... that builds disrespect and isn't sexy. It doesn't make for anyone to be interested I would think. I would put the dating on the back burned until you make the foundation of your relationship life more solid and you have more to offer, otherwise I would think you will just find more disappointment. I for one would not want to tangle myself in the web you have created... I would run very far! I am wondering if that is what is going on with the women you have met on OKC.

I'm sorry, I'm actually confused as to why you would be writing here again. Having read the excellent advice you got the first time around, why would I be lead to believe that you would consider anyone's advice this time? I have a great many ideas on what you could do next, but I am wondering if you can tell me why I would use my energy for that? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh in this format, but I sometimes think that one needs to ask these things before investing in offering solutions... I am not a fan of wasting my time. If you are interested in using or even considering what people offer on here then I would be willing to start strategizing about it.
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