Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 08-26-2010, 05:34 PM
Wondering's Avatar
Wondering Wondering is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 17
Default Am i thinking realisticly

My husband and I are coming into some troubles. One of the biggest is she doesnt want to get to know me or be friends. Is it unrealistic of me to want to know the woman my husband is dating or is that me being to controlling?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 08-26-2010, 06:03 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

I would have a hard time entering into a poly relationship without knowing the other partners.

However it does work for some people. You need to decide if it works for you
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 08-26-2010, 06:19 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to "be friends" is not a "red-flag" in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least MEET you, and you "wondering" about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 08-26-2010, 06:59 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,378
Default

I definitely wouldn't be fine with not getting to know my husband's or boyfriend's girlfriend... Or if they didn't know each other or didn't get along.
So while it can work for some people, I certainly don't think you're being unreasonable.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 08-27-2010, 01:49 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Louisiana... Go Saints!
Posts: 179
Default

Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduce to poly and it changing with a little encouragement. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 08-27-2010, 01:58 AM
Wondering's Avatar
Wondering Wondering is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 17
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
Is this an ongoing thing or is she new to this? I've heard this as an initial reaction when being introduce to poly and it changing with a little encouragement. For me personally it would be a deal breaker. I don't live half lives or double lives. It's all inclusive.
She has been with married men before but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her...in fact one of the men she is seeing is married but his wife doesn't know. She is knew to the wife knowing aspect of it but still doesn't see the point or believe that we need to be friends or even know each other. I don't know if i should just step back and see how things play out or stand my ground.
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 08-27-2010, 02:01 AM
Wondering's Avatar
Wondering Wondering is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Louisiana
Posts: 17
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by NeonKaos View Post
This is the woman who you don't trust to use condoms, so I can see why you are skeptical about her in general. Usually, just the fact that she doesn't want to "be friends" is not a "red-flag" in and of itself, but I sense from the tone of your other posts that you have a bad gut feeling about this. I don't know you, your husband, or his girlfriend, but it sounds like you want to do what's right and you have some reason(s) why you don't trust her. Not wanting to at least MEET you, and you "wondering" about it, tells me that there is more to this than what is visible on the surface.

Yes its the very same woman. I do have a bad gut feeling but he loves her so much i can't stand to see him hurt by not being with her. I feel he would resent me if he broke up with her bc of me and i don't want that.
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 08-27-2010, 02:11 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

IXm a little curious if your husband isn't seriously concerned about this woman's chronic dishonesty towards relationships. She seems drawn to cheating. Does he not think she will and is keeping him in the dark about other things? How does one truly love some one who is so comfortable with lying? How do you ever trust them enough to reach true depth? Once again we see the blinding affects of NRE.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 08-27-2010, 02:12 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Louisiana... Go Saints!
Posts: 179
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondering View Post
She has been with married men before but in secret. Their wives have known nothing about her...in fact one of the men she is seeing is married but his wife doesn't know. She is knew to the wife knowing aspect of it but still doesn't see the point or believe that we need to be friends or even know each other. I don't know if i should just step back and see how things play out or stand my ground.
Ick... I say go with your gut. It just depends on what your poly is. Are you okay with your husband having a double life that excludes you. ( With a repeated mistress) Does he really want a double life? It works for some ( minus the mistress part.)
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 08-27-2010, 02:13 AM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

I don't know about your history but I would definitely take every precaution to make yourself sexually safe with this woman in his/your life.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 02:15 AM.