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  #131  
Old 08-19-2010, 01:33 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
well, he technically has a male partner idealist, but he hasn't been around all summer... I don't get how his relationships work. I would never let something like that slide. He just kind of is doing his own thing and not a part of PN's life. I would be on that and asking what is going on, why haven't you contacted me, when shall we see each other again. I'm definitely learning another side of poly through how he conducts his relationships. I notice quite often people just disappear. I get invested very quickly, I could not be okay with that or do that.
Agreed! But to each their own. IF it is working for him, then that is good.

However, you have mentioned that he has a tendency to isolate himself, so perhaps allowing people to disappear is a symptom of this and something to be considered?

Just a thought. I know I crawl into my shell when I most need others. It happens so gradually I don't always see it.
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  #132  
Old 08-23-2010, 07:33 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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We had a bit of a break through on Friday night. I drove home from work and called PN on the phone (no I wasn't driving and phoning,,, it was hands free! ). I knew he had had a hard week and was struggling with getting his mind wrapped around camping so I called to see if he wanted to talk about it. He ended up staying at home Friday night and coming for breakfast in the morning.

We got into the same old stuff in our conversation about my need for privacy in the form of creating a room just for me. He didn't get it again and it spiraled, as it usually does, into my anger and his defense of that anger.

At one point he asked me if I would see him in the same if I had my own room... would we have the same issues in terms of how we do our finances and how we are when we have arguments. I said that I would not see him in the same way because I would have enough energy to talk things through, rather than blow up. I said that I would guess that a lot of the issues we have out side of the privacy one, would be lessened because my need for space would be met. I told him that I agreed that we needed to have more conversations and more time to talk about things in the spirit of connecting rather than getting by, but I am spent now. I have nothing to give him because I am not getting my basic need for privacy met.

To my astonishment I think he heard me. He had a bit of a moment of silence and then asked me questions about how my life would change in terms of how much I go out and how much time I spend doing other things that are not related to alone time. I don't know how to answer that because I really don't know how things will trickle down. I think it would take at least a year to settle into a new dynamic. It's kind of like starting a new relationship... one with my room. I really don't know how that will go. I know I will have major NRE though!

Now he thinks that I see it as his fault that this has gone on so long. He really didn't know I was asking for this for so long. He had not realized how often I have sucked it up but it hadn't gone away. Now he feels bad and thinks that he is in someway "wrong" and I am "right;" that he is at fault.

I see the issue of my needing my own room (and several situations/issues in my life) as doing a puzzle. He talked of being in a process about it and I agreed. The puzzle is the process... I have been doing this puzzle for a long time. I have been requesting him to help out, but he hasn't heard it. Now he has. I have been asking him to help me put the puzzle together because I can't do it alone. Now he hears me and has sat down at the table to help. We are organizing pieces first in order to make it easier... sometimes tackling one part is easier. This Friday we started with the edges and I think completed that part! Now we have to fill the rest in after we have organized....

completed puzzle? Me with my own room=getting privacy back into my life

getting there... slowly but getting there.
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  #133  
Old 08-23-2010, 09:02 AM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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WOOT! Small steps, small steps, will eventually get us to where we need to be.
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  #134  
Old 08-23-2010, 10:14 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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That does sound like a breakthrough. Good work.
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  #135  
Old 08-23-2010, 10:30 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Yay for breakthroughs!! Seems the weekend was good for them. Hopefully things move forward for you now. It's hard sometimes, it's not that we as spouses don't want to hear eachother, it's that the other spouse needs to find the right words for us to get it. Karma and I both seem to do that. We think the other just doesn't want to hear us, or meet our needs, when in reality, what is being said just means something different and we need to find the common ground. We use a lot of examples, and a lot of " so I understand you are saying _______. Is that correct?" Something we learned on here, and has been a HUGE help to fixing that problem. Never realized how much went misunderstood until we started doing that.

Good luck! I hope this week is a little easier on all of you.
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  #136  
Old 08-23-2010, 10:58 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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*happy claps*
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  #137  
Old 08-24-2010, 05:29 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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RP, this is such a good step in the right direction. I am very happy for you.
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  #138  
Old 08-26-2010, 07:06 AM
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thanks for all the encouragement and support it's very helpful...

So, I don't know where we are at this week. We are just sitting pretty until friday I think. We have a big date night PN and I. We have no child for the night and are going to look at our finances!!! woooo hooooo! oh I'm so excited *sarcasm*

I think it's a good idea to do somethings I don't really like doing for the greater good of pleasing my loves and also knowing something about them that I don't really know about. In that way they and I will feel close, and that is a good thing. The pay back is that they should also do things they don't like doing but I do for the same reason.

I don't mean always to do that, but at least enough to know something about what they are interested in and to show some interest in their lives.

this is what I intend to do on friday.... then we get to go for dinner, which is my FAVORITE thing to do!

Ya, I am just waiting right now and hoping that this isn't blow over number 6 (?). The guys are talking and I find that promising... I'm trusting them to come up with something that I can tangibly look forward to. We shall see.
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  #139  
Old 08-26-2010, 07:15 AM
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Mono and I had such a good night the other night. I arranged to go over there right after work so that we could spend an entire night. I know he is alone and loves when I am around him for long periods of time... just existing together. We had a lovely evening at the OH (other home) and even though I was ill still, we managed to get a long walk in.

Earlier in the week I went to Derby's for the evening and chatted up a storm... had some good laughs too. I was feeling really crappy and had to leave earlier than I usually do, but it was still good to just sit and hang out... catch up on what has been happening for us after a two week break while we both dealt with family stuff.

I saw my Non-sexual boyfriend (NSB) tonight who I also had some catching up to do with also. I was feeling a bit removed at first as I don't have a lot of energy to give right now, but he let me talk my self through all the stuff that has been going on and I appreciated that he listened through the whole thing, asked questions and offered support. He is such a great guy... he struggles with mental health issues and doesn't get out much, but we are good for one another in a way that is all our own...

I love that we all have the option to make up our own relationship dynamics and let them take the course they are meant to take... no cultural rules, no drama to follow a certain way and all creatively exploring each other for who we are.... love it!
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  #140  
Old 08-26-2010, 09:27 AM
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Mohegan Mohegan is offline
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Ya know, it's not just something you should be doin for him, finances are an important thing to know. When my grandfather died I spent DAYS going over everything with my grandma. Bank accounts, insurance policies, what bills were paid when and out of what account, how much was in savings and what was it's intended use, showing her how to budget to continue living the way she was used to.


She was so lost my heart ached. And she still had full mental capacity, she just never cared to work on finances and was more than happy to let him do it. So when the time came, she had no idea what to do, bill collectors were calling b/c she didn't know what was do when, she was getting ripped off by people who took advantage of her.

I pray you, mono and and PN have many, many years ahead of you, but it is important, no matter how much you don't like them, to know where your finances stand and how to keep them there if something happens.

Honestly, Karma'd be in the same boat. We've made a finance date several times and video games take a greater role.

I just don't want that to happen to any of you.

You sound like you are feeling better and in better spirits. I'm glad to hear it! Glad you got some time out with those who care about you.
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