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Old 08-26-2010, 08:18 AM
BadLucyLiu BadLucyLiu is offline
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It's over. My husband hasn't been able to go to work, he's been in such a state. We haven't stopped talking, trying to find a compromise, a way to make things work, but he just can't.

He can no longer retain an erection, he cannot climax, he tried to give himself time so that he could come around to the idea of me having phone sex by asking me to just chat via email with this other guy, but he can't do it.

He's just called me from work, crying down the phone, telling me that he is sorry but he just can't share me, he loves me too much.

He is overwhealmed with guilt because he suggested this in the first place and doesn't understand that even though he is going through hell, the fantasy of me being with another man is still there, but the reality of it all is more than he can take.

I would rather cut ties with this other man, than loose my husband or my marriage, but when he told me, I felt he had cut my heart from my chest.

I now realise that I was kidding myself, telling my husband that it was just a bit of fun and nothing serious, because it is way more than that.

Being truthful with myself, I have to admit that the feelings I have for the other guy are very real. I have made a full, emotional connection with him.

The honest truth is that I want to be with this man as much as I want my husband.

I feel I could fall in love with him and the perfect scenario for me would be for my husband to be happy to let me have a full sexual relationship with this guy, without my husband even needing to be there.

I could never tell him that as I think it would destroy him. So I am going to have to pretend and tell him that although I am dissapointed, I'll get over it, which is not the case at all, but what else can I do.

My husband has told me that he doesn't want to take away the friendship I have with this other guy, so he would be okay with me chatting to him online, as long as no kind of sex is involved, but I can't do that, so I am going to have to remove his phone number from my phone and cancel my email account and cut all ties with him, otherwise I know that eventually, I am going to cheat on my husband and call this guy.

I want this other guy so bad, he has almost become an obsession. I wish with all my heart that this had never happened and I could have kept myself in blissful ignorance.

Instead, I have a husband who is an emtional wreck, crying all the time, incapable of having sex with me anymore and I have to be the strong one and pretend that I don't mind that he's given me something wonderful and then taken it away.

I feel so miserable and I'm going to miss this guy so much, but I have no choice if I'm going to keep 23 years of marriage going. I just pray I have the strength not to call him.

Thank you all so much for trying to help, I really appreciate it. Please keep your fingers crossed for us, that we can get through this.

I feel so devastated.
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Old 08-26-2010, 11:55 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Location: Oregon, USA
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I'm not sure lying to him is the best option. He might realise you lied and that would be worse.
I agree you need to focus on him, though. Probably go through sex therapy together and see what you can do. But I feel you should be honest, so that he knows what you're sacrificing. Otherwise you will resent him for something he won't even know.
As long as you make it clear that you are here for him and that you won't pursue that other relationship because of the consequences on your husband, I feel it should be fine... I mean, the more that other man means to you, the more giving him up for your husband means, too. And it's important right now that he sees how much you love him and care about him.

It's your decision of course, but I tend to be of the opinion that while the truth can hurt, lying has the potential to be much worse, either by backfiring (he realises you lied) or for other reasons (the lie is worse to him than the truth and you didn't realise that).

Good luck either way. Take things slowly. Get your husband to enjoy sex again, that's your priority right now I assume. But if you're honest with him, at least you'll have the freedom to be sad about losing someone you cared for, and your husband can comfort you.
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Old 08-26-2010, 01:38 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by BadLucyLiu View Post
Instead, I have a husband who is an emtional wreck, crying all the time, incapable of having sex with me anymore and I have to be the strong one and pretend that I don't mind that he's given me something wonderful and then taken it away.
Hey Lucy,

It's a hard decision - and hard how you came to have to make it - but in my opinion you are doing the right thing by dropping this external relationship. For now <<<<.

If it helps any, and not to discredit your feelings or any such, take my word for it that this "connection" you feel you may have established with this other guy is likely not all you think it is just yet. True connections require much more personal interaction to determine. It's more likely that what you are experiencing is a combination of lust, a taste of NRE, infatuation and the rush of the discovery of a new side (and potential) of yourself.

If there is any real potential in this other guy he will understand this. If not then you'll have more insight into his true personality & desires.

But more importantly (the golden lining ?) you have uncovered some real hidden issues your husband has been carrying around. There are some serious issues there that HE needs to confront and deal with. You're a team - right ? Try to get him to acknowledge these issues openly, realize how dangerous they are to his real being, and see if you can't work as a team on his personal growth.

If you can do this you both will benefit tremendously ! It's very likely something like this would have made those issues surface eventually so it may be that it happening in the way it did may be less painful and dramatic than some of the alternatives. Remember the lemons/lemonade saying ?

Good luck and keep us posted.

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Old 08-26-2010, 03:23 PM
BadLucyLiu BadLucyLiu is offline
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You're absolutely right. Pretending to be unaffected is not going to help matters, so I explained to my husband that once he told me that he can't share me, my feelings for the other guy became more apparent to me and I realised that they were deeper than I'd thought.

He isn't happy about this, but doesn't blame me. Instead he is heaping guilt on top of his own head, which isn't going to help either of us.

I've explained this and he is going to try to get past it all. He wanted me to stay friends with the other guy, because I make friends very easy, but all my friends mean a lot to me. I care too much were his words.

The problem is that I believe, even if I could maintain a normal friendship with the other guy, would my husband be able to deal with it, knowing that I was developing feelings for him? Of course not, it would just cause more problems.

The other guy has gone away on a trip, so I can't speak to him until Monday. I have told my husband that I need to speak to him alone and probably on the phone, as it would be rude to end things via email.

He understands this (at least he says he does) and I just hope I don't break down over the phone and make an idiot of myself. Especially as I have no idea what the other guys true feelings are for me.

I therefore have no alternative, other than to cut all ties to the new sexual experiences that I was hoping to achieve in order to save my marriage.

I know that given time, I will be okay. It's just very hard to have to let someone go that you know in your heart, could have been very special.
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Old 08-26-2010, 03:32 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Wow, I'm so sorry you're going through this. What a huge turn around in your marriage. I feel for you.

I agree that your husband may have some things to work on. Poor guy to be struggling so much. Sometimes in relationships people get so entwined with their partners that they covet them and keep them in their heart as if they have ownership over them. Of course they don't, because their partner is a person who has freedoms and desires and a life of their own. Yet it can happen without a couple knowing it is. Perhaps he and you are co-dependant?
Sometimes when a couple are doing the same thing for years and one does something different for a change, the whole boat gets rocked. It looks like your boat is rocked by this situation.

I think its a great idea to end this relationship you have with this guy to focus on your marriage. However, I also suggest that you don't lie. You could use this opportunity to make some changes in your marriage for the better rather than go underground. Going underground for the sake of someone else leads to depression, resentment, and the distruction of relationships in my opinion. Better to figure out what you need, ask him what he needs and go from there. This might require a therapist to help you as its no easy task, but I would like to suggest that if you are able to reach a point where you can negotiate some boundaries around your needs and then stick to them, you will have a better marriage and life all around.

I would wonder if one of your needs isn't so much to be with this other man, but to have the opportunity for closeness with another man in general. Or people for that matter. What are you doing I your life that is just for you? What kind of things can you do with your husband that are different? These may be the questions to ask. I think with time he will get through his inability to have sex. Sure its alarming but it is sending a message that has another meaning. What is it? Better to figure it out while the emotions are still fresh.
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Old 08-26-2010, 06:48 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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I too opened a pandora's box in my previous reletionship when my ex-wife wanted to explore a relationship with a woman who was a friend of ours. I got caught up in the sexual side of it, which generalling shuts our thinking brains down, and thought it would be a good idea. When reality struck I responded much the same way as your husband did. I thought I was going to die until I realized that I would be fine without my wife. I didn't need her to live, I was just afraid to not be with her. She spent one night with our friend but it didn't go any further than cuddling apparently.

The positive is that we reconnected for many more good years.

I feel for your husband because there are many things I wish I never did in life so I can relate. I feel for you because it looks like you really connected with this other man.

I don't see him as having issues that need adressing any more than you do...I see two people that may have developed different criteria to share themselves with others. Maybe he needs exclusivity, maybe you don't.

I hope you all find peace and health in this.

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Old 08-27-2010, 11:52 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
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even though you feel you need to help your husband through this and reclaim your marriage,I urge you not to forget who you are and what brought you on this journey. Good luck.
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