Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #51  
Old 07-08-2010, 04:29 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 2,872
Default

I don't know if my head is spinning or swimming ...

I enjoy how you can itemize and sub-compartmentalize your story line. You have quite a life and its enjoyable to read.
Reply With Quote
  #52  
Old 07-08-2010, 08:00 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by immaterial View Post
haha, how wonderful, what a whirlwind. Blessings to you on all of these fantastic adventures. I don't know how you are keeping track of it all. It's like a hurricane of new experiences.

Can't wait to hear more,

Immaterial
Hahaha.....yeah, whirlwind and hurricane kinda' expresses it! But, here's the thing....I only work about 20 hours a week. I have no kids, grandkids, neices or nephews. My home is new, so it doesn't need any maintenance. I spend from Sunday afternoon until Thursday evening alone quietly at home, doing housework, listening to music, doing yoga, walking in the neighborhood, etc. That part of my life is very serene. Then.....just as I'm getting bored.....the fun starts on Thursday evening and builds until Sunday afternoon or evening. It's quite an amazing cycle! Very managable so far!! I would highly suggest it to anyone who has the inclination!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #53  
Old 07-08-2010, 08:19 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I don't know if my head is spinning or swimming ...

I enjoy how you can itemize and sub-compartmentalize your story line. You have quite a life and its enjoyable to read.
Thanks....compartmentalization helps me process things. When I was younger (in my 20's) I acted out sexually in an effort to deny my thoughts and feelings. I would feel shame about my behavior, and then need to do more drinking and acting out to block out the shame. It was a vicious cycle. I am trying to move through this current process with complete awareness of my thoughts and feelings. Remaining authentic to myself, I meditate and spend time alone so that I can be very aware of the inner dynamics. ALL of the people we have met are down-to-earth professional Southerners (like me) with no drama....easy going, friendly, pleasant....responsible, but able to take a break for enjoyment. It's quite fascinating actually.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #54  
Old 08-05-2010, 04:56 PM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 29- In a good place!!

Well, I’ve had a fairly relaxing month (compared to the two months prior to this one) and am finally taking some time to update my blog!!

After the two month whirlwind of meeting new people, Richard and I decided to take a break and spend some time processing everything. We have not even talked to each other about our thoughts and feelings. We’ve known each other so long and since we do not consider ourselves to be in a “primary” relationship, but we do consider our relationship to be “long term” we have taken a break from one another but without negative feelings. For us, it works best that way. We will be spending some quality time together this weekend and we will share with each other then.

Part of the decision to step back was due to the fact that Richard was feeling overwhelmed! And, I totally get that! But now, after so much time has passed and we haven’t even seen each other, or done anything fun together, we are ready to spend the weekend together.

One of my distractions was Jacob. I’ve been seeing him about once a week since running into him over a month ago. I like him a lot and got into an infatuation for him which I have enjoyed. I like to enjoy the infatuation and NRE for a while even though I understand it for exactly what it is and I understand how it is just temporary and not reality at all!! But, I have so enjoyed it and now I’m ready to put that down too!! Get back into reality so to speak.

So- as it stands now, I am in love with 5 men. John, Steven, Richard, Charles and Jacob. It might just be infatuation for Jacob….only time will tell, but for the rest of them, it is love.

John had decided that he wasn’t interested in a polyamorous lifestyle so we quit seeing each other, but we finally talked yesterday after about 4 months of no contact and we may get together for a weekend in September! John is my rock and foundation. We are opposites when it comes to personality, but we have amazing chemistry and there is just something there that keeps us coming back to each other!

Steven sent me a message today telling me that he has a deep love for me!! He lives 1,000 miles away, so we don’t see each other very often nor do we communicate much, but our connection has never weakened. When we talk or see each other, we feel as if no time has passed since our last meeting!!

I will spend the weekend with Richard and I am so looking forward to it. He and I have a deep emotional connection. We talked this morning and he said I could contact one of the couples we met and see if they would like to get together with us this weekend!

I was able to spend a few hours with Charles yesterday. He is still with Holland and seems to be fairly happy. He is making some adjustments in his life with the goal of having more independence, so maybe I will get to spend some time with him in the future. We have not been able to spend any quality time together for quite a while, but that’s okay…..I’ve been focusing on Jacob.

Jacob has captured me and I’ve been infatuated with him. I find, however, that all it takes is some time apart and I begin to get clear headed!!

So- for myself- I’m focusing on as much quality relating to my main guys. And for me and Richard, we will begin to focus on developing deeper connections with some of the couples we met on our whirlwind dating spree!!

If this still seems like too much to some, I can say that I understand how it would be too much for some people....and maybe most people. But, from my perspective, I have never been married; have no children and I have no nieces or nephews. I do not really connect with my parents or siblings. So- these relationships are not only providing loving partners for me, but also satisfying the spaces I have open for family members that either don't exist or don't fulfill me.

I do not feel overwhelmed in the least bit by being in love with 5 men. I feel very satisfied and capable of maintaining these relationships long term.....for the rest of my life in fact. :-)
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #55  
Old 08-07-2010, 12:48 AM
jkelly jkelly is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: San Francisco, CA
Posts: 168
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
So- as it stands now, I am in love with 5 men. John, Steven, Richard, Charles and Jacob.
And I thought that I had scheduling challenges.
Reply With Quote
  #56  
Old 08-10-2010, 03:37 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jkelly View Post
And I thought that I had scheduling challenges.
Hahaha....but I don't have any scheduling challenges!! That's what's really neat about my situation. I have the time available and my guys have their own lives so they are not depending on more from me than what I have available. It just works out!!!......
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #57  
Old 08-21-2010, 02:37 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 30- rambling

I'm just going to ramble here. I haven't planned what I'm going to say, so I hope it isn't too disjointed!!

I'm still infatuated with Jacob and we're supposed to spend time together on Sunday. It's been almost a month since we've spent any time together. We had plans one Tuesday night, but he didn't show up. Called me later and gave an excuse that sounded realistic. But, it made me realize that I am WAY more into him than he is into me. So, I've tried to withdraw emotionally as much as possible. He has still been contacting me, so we'll see how Sunday goes. He considers himself to be "short term" in my life which is one of the reasons why I have been spending time with Richard and Charles since they consider themselves to be "long term" in my life.

Last weekend, Charles was helping me with some home maintenance at my house, so he was staying here. I went ahead and invited Holland to come over too. It had been almost 4 months since I had seen her. Everything went well. We didn't have any sexual activity. Richard came and stayed a few nights too. Everything went great and it was a very enjoyable weekend!!!

Richard and I had two dates with married couples. The one we met on Friday night is freaking me out. They have been married for 33 years and he has never been sexual with anyone but his wife. He has been wanting to open their relationship up. They found us on the site we are on and we met them. She wanted to get a hotel room that night, but we told her she wasn't ready. I've talked to them on the phone several times since then and they want me to be the first person they are sexual with. I'm pretty hesitant and have just spent a lot of time talking with them at length and educating them on swinging verses poly etc. I was pretty overwhelmed at first by their desire to have me as their first one......

Then, on Saturday night, we had a date with a couple that lives about 2 hours away. They drove in on their motorcycle and we had a nice evening...we went out to eat and then to hear a live band and had fun dancing!!! They drove home that night, but we have plans to meet them again the beginning of September. They will drive in and stay at my house and we'll all go out.

We have met about 14 couples in the last 4 months and this is the first couple that we really feel good about having a mutual compatibility with.

You just never know!!! I didn't expect to like this dude so much!!! The lesson in this whole process for me is- you can think as much as you want about how you are going to feel when meeting another poly person or couple, but you can't know for sure until you actually meet them.

Also- you can think and talk....think and talk.....think and talk until you're blue in the face.....and that's good. But....you can think and talk too much. There comes a point where you just have to get out there and meet people. Because- mark my words.....you will be surprised about how you are going to respond or react to any person or people you meet and to any given situation. And each situation is different and all people are completely unique!! So- my advice for anyone reading this is.....

Just let go. Keep your wits about you, but let go of your expectations and just enjoy each person that you meet. Life is good!!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.

Last edited by idealist; 08-21-2010 at 02:39 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #58  
Old 08-26-2010, 12:42 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 31- update from last weekend

Went out with Richard Saturday night, and he spent the night......we made love......talked.....laughed.....I sang while he played guitar. We spent most of the day on Sunday together.

Then, I met up with Jacob on Sunday early evening. We went out to eat and then came to my house.....made love....talked.....and enjoyed each other's company.

Then on Monday, Charles came over to help me with some home maintenance and we ended up getting in the Jacuzzi and then making love....talking....laughing and enjoying ourselves.

It's amazing to think that I made love to three of my lovers three days in a row....one after another. And- I've gotten so accustomed to this lifestyle that in each situation I was totally present with the guy I was with. This does not feel awkward or unnatural to me at all!!

There was a moment when I was with Jacob. I was giving him a full body massage and started with him on his stomach. The back of his head looked like Richard's and it was weird for a minute....I had to remember that it was not Richard. But other than that- I was completely engaged in the moment with each guy.

The experiences with each guy is so totally different. Richard was in a rare "needy" place because he had a bad week at work. He wanted to hear me say that I love him. He knew he was doing it....he said- I know I'm really needy right now, but I thought it was cool that he could say that and ask for what he needed. Making love with him was very easy and natural. We've known one another 7 years, so there is a definite comfort in our sexual expression with one another. He was unusually aroused Saturday night and I enjoyed that!!

Jacob had asked for a massage when we were at dinner. I was glad he did because so far, our sexual relationship has been all about him pleasing me and my efforts to be more dominant or more giving towards him has not gone too far. He is a very confident lover and really takes his time which is so enjoyable for me. I would say that as far a sexual pleasure goes, he is the best lover I have ever had. And Sunday evening was by far one of the best sexual experiences I’ve ever had in my life.

After the massage, he was more aroused than usual and we’ve gotten used to one another, so it was very enjoyable. I really like him, not only because of the great sexual connection, but because he is an INFJ and I can really relate to him mentally and emotionally. He is very conservative though and although he knows I have other lovers, he claims that when he is in love with someone, he would never be willing to share them. He also claims that he wants a monogamous relationship. So- in order for me to continue to see him, I have to accept that he is "short term" until he meets someone that he wants to be involved with.

For now, I am willing to do that because I enjoy him so much on so many levels and I am infatuated with him now....meaning that I'm experiencing NRE big time!!! Since he’s already been single for 7 years and has not found anyone to be in a committed monogamous relationship with, I’m betting that he won’t find anyone any time soon.

I told him that if he does find someone, I will gladly step back and let him pursue it with my full blessings. But- at the same time, I desire a long term relationship with him and I told him that too.

Charles and I weren't planning on being sexual, but it just happened and he was really turned on and basically f*cked me which seemed to be exactly what I wanted and needed!!!

I spoke with John on the phone Sunday and was surprised at what he shared with me. Come to find out, after all these years, he has been withholding some of his feelings from me. Apparently he talked to a therapist about it and realized that he needed to come clean with me. We have been talking about meeting in Dallas for a Festival in September. The discussions about seeing each other again has led to lots of discussions and during those discussions, he admitted that he has been uncomfortable with my bisexuality ever since he’s known me (about 11 years). We dated monogamously for 3 years and then 1 ˝ year. Why did this never come up before?? I guess what brought it up now is the fact that I have decided to act out on my bisexuality and he is uncomfortable with that.

So- I think its best that we not make the trip in September, because I need to process this. I think one of the reasons he didn’t share it is because he didn’t want to come off as judgmental. I really don’t think he looks down on me for being bisexual or for wanting to act out on it; but as a result of not telling me, I have openly expressed my attraction to women while in his presence all these years and it has made him uncomfortable the whole time.
It’s just not a good time to get together, I guess since I am glad to be finally expressing myself in a more authentic way but would have to stifle some of myself while with him.

He did tell me he loves me and I can count on one hand the number of times he has actually said that to me……..

On Sunday, Richard was emotionally needy, so he was expressing his love for me a lot!! Then, in that phone call with John- he told me he loves me…..and he hardly never says it. Then….today, Charles called and said “I think I love you.”

So- I guess the conclusion for me right now, for myself, is to be as authentic as I can....be honest and open. Feel free to love anyone as much as I want to and express that love!!

Richard and I have a 2nd date with a couple we met two weeks ago. We will spend time with them on Labor Day weekend. I am looking forward to that!! This weekend will be low key- or at least that's the plan
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.

Last edited by idealist; 09-15-2010 at 12:44 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #59  
Old 09-04-2010, 02:35 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 32- Swinging verses Polyamory

This is something I wrote after a lot of research and my own experiences within the last year. Richard and I have met and interacted with 14 couples in the last 4 months. Some of those meetings became sexual, some did not. Please give me any feedback you may have!!!

Now that we are meeting people on an online “swinging” site, I’ve been thinking a lot about the difference between polyamory and swinging. It seems to me that the two lifestyles actually overlap quite a bit.

A lot of polyamorous people feel the need to say “We are NOT swingers” and within the polyamory community- swingers are at times frowned upon. I find this interesting because in my experience so far, there are more similarities than differences between the two lifestyles. The main similarity is that they are both a way to live an ethical non-monogamous lifestyle.

Responsible Non-Monogamy is about responsibility to one's partners and to agreements that one has with them, especially with your primary relationship. Responsible means honesty in communications, not cheating, as well as being responsible for protecting against pregnancy or STD's. It means both being responsible for saying no if you don't want to do something and the responsibility to respect the desires of your various partners.

The primary emphasis of polyamory is about loving relationships with more than one other partner. The primary emphasis of swinging is "casual, non emotional sex."

The difference between traditional swinging and polyamory is the word "love" (amory). The attitude of Polyamory is about seeking long-term lasting loving relationships that unlike most of our regular friends can also include wonderful sexual pleasure sharing.

But- you could also say that if two people want to share sensual or sexual pleasure as two wonderful human souls for the moment it can be very loving, even if it’s just for a one time pleasure sharing experience which may or may not result in a long term connection.

Another obvious difference is that swinging is not about personal sex, which is what a couple has in their own, private, one-on-one relationship. It is instead, about recreational friendly sex. Swinging is about trying to protect the primary relationships by avoiding emotional involvement with other partners which is seen as a potential risk.

Many swingers are really looking for polyamory, but since swing clubs and swing publications are far more numerous than polyamory, many people looking for real relationships identify with swingers but seek more than what traditional swinging offers. This is especially true of couples who only want to meet other couples for a more meaningful relationship that may include picnics and non sexual activities with the entire family.

One big benefit for people exploring responsible, non-monogamy has been that it forces us into in "conscious relating" especially to our primary relationship or spouse, based on honesty not just the usual "assumptive relationships". Too often in relationships, little honest communication takes place about jealousy for example. This is because these ideas are never challenged in traditional monogamous relationships until cheating occurs which is often devastating to the relationship. Open relationships force couples to deal with these issues and be conscious of them instead of just assuming the other will never have an interest in anyone else. Many couples tell me, by dealing with these issues honestly, it has made their relationship much stronger.

Both swinging and polyamory can be dangerous to your prime relationship if your relationship is not built on a firm foundation of true love and honest communications. In polyamory, you may have all equal relationships or you may have a primary and other secondary relationships. Open relationships magnify existing conditions within a relationship. If trust, love, commitment and openness exist, then the relationship is usually further strengthened by either lifestyle. If, however, there is jealousy, insecurity and lack of honest communications, these problems will be painfully magnified in an open lifestyle.

Working through these problems, however, in an open lifestyle, can help all aspects of the relationship, since issues may come up that are never dealt with otherwise. Sometimes relationships break up because of these issues. But that may even be good, since it uncovered problems that may have eventually doomed the relationship anyway.

Women, typically but not always, are the most reluctant to explore open relationships, however, once exposed to loving intimacy and perhaps sexual variety in safe, caring groups, they often become the strongest supporters of the lifestyle. The joke in swinging is that it’s the man who drags the woman into the lifestyle and also the man who has to drag her away from the swing club. Ironically, it is often the man who has to potential to become more possessive and jealous.

Both polyamory and swinging are optional lifestyles for bisexual women. Whether swingers or poly-couples, many couples primarily seek other couples. They often want to relate as couple friends not just sex buddies. A lot of the couples we have encountered have a bi female in them which seems to suggest that these lifestyles offer a way for the bisexual woman to find satisfaction for her sexual orientation without abandoning or damaging her primary heterosexual relationship.

Both polyamory and swinging lifestyles require a great amount of communication between the primary couple. The couple must set boundaries and become clear about what they are expecting from the experience. Those expectations must be adjusted regularly since it is difficult to know how each person will be affected by each interaction with another person or couple. Remaining aware of your thoughts and feelings and updating your level of expectation regularly is a great help. Communicating these things to each other and the individuals, couple or couples you are interacting with is crucial and very helpful so that everyone is on the same page or at least able to honor the desires and boundaries of one another.
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
  #60  
Old 09-04-2010, 02:51 AM
idealist's Avatar
idealist idealist is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Deep South
Posts: 542
Default Idealist Poly Blog Part 33- this weekend

I am really excited about tomorrow evening!
Richard and I met a couple (I'll call them Monica and Donald) several weeks ago. They live about 2 hours a way, so they drove in on their motorcycle!! We met at a restaurant, had dinner and then went to a casual club located on a river. There was a live band so we danced etc. They drove home and we went home, so nothing sexual happened that night.

I was attracted to Monica and Donald. Richard was attracted to Monica. It seemed that Donald and I had a lot of good chemistry as we flirted and danced together. Richard wasn't sure if Monica was attracted to him or not, and I wasn't sure if she was attracted to me or not, so we just had to wait to see if they would be interested in seeing us again.

Well- tomorrow afternoon, they are driving to my house. Richard and I will be preparing a meal for them!! (boiled shrimp, grilled salmon, sweet potatoes and asparagus) They will spend the night and we'll have breakfast the next morning (home-made waffles).

Funny thing has happened.....I have been struggling with a bladder infection!!! So- I was thinking....I don't know if I'm even going to be interested in getting sexual. So- today Monica called and said Donald was cutting grass...apparently they have a lot of property. And he had to pee- which he did- out on the property. well- seems he got poison ivy on his penis!!

They wanted to know if we still wanted them to come. As she mentioned (and I already knew) some swingers are so hard core that they would cancel a date if it was known that there would not be a "full swap" situation going on.

So- I told her that we want to get to know them and hang around with them regardless of whether we were able to be sexual with them or not.

So- they are coming and we are really excited because this is the first couple (after meeting 14 couples in the last 4 months) that we feel a mutual compatibility and attraction all the way around with !!!

Wish us luck!!!
__________________
The key to life is in being fully engaged and peacefully detached simultaneously and authentically in each moment.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
bisexual, blog, honesty, life story, multiple, respect, trust

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 09:46 AM.