Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Poly Relationships Corner

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-24-2010, 09:09 PM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
Inactive
 
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 37
Default

I don't think that you are selfish because you want more time. I would also in that situation. I mean, you had him as much as you wanted while she was away.......now you're down to one night a week? Boooo on that. LOL

But again, I understand she just got home and needs that one on one time with him, but hey, you do to.

They are in YOUR house? Wow. I didn't know that girley. I bet you are ready for them to close on the house so you can get some peace huh? LOL! Just kidding, I'm sure you are having a good time with their stay.

You must be a people person to walk into a relationship with 4 kids. LOL! I'm sure it's going to make you feel so great to meet those children.

Make sure you update when you do get to meet them! I can't wait to see how they respond to you, and vice versa.
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-24-2010, 09:24 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lakewood, WA
Posts: 28
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by jennjuice View Post
I don't think that you are selfish because you want more time. I would also in that situation. I mean, you had him as much as you wanted while she was away.......now you're down to one night a week? Boooo on that. LOL

I know I think that is why I am having so much difficulty with the transition of not having so much time with him. I also understand though that they need that time together, because of the length of time they spent apart.

But again, I understand she just got home and needs that one on one time with him, but hey, you do to.

They are in YOUR house? Wow. I didn't know that girley. I bet you are ready for them to close on the house so you can get some peace huh? LOL! Just kidding, I'm sure you are having a good time with their stay.

LOL! Yes and no...I am kinda ready for them to go, but at the same time, love the company. I lived alone before they arrived and I have to mentally and emotionally prep myself for their moving out.

You must be a people person to walk into a relationship with 4 kids. LOL! I'm sure it's going to make you feel so great to meet those children.

Actually it is completely opposite, I am very shy! lol. I think that is why I was so terrified to meet her, but it is wonderful now! I love kids, they are alot of fun!

Make sure you update when you do get to meet them! I can't wait to see how they respond to you, and vice versa.
I am very excited to meet the kids and I will def be updating as this relationship and such progresses...
__________________
<3 Michelle
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-25-2010, 03:33 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lakewood, WA
Posts: 28
Unhappy emotion getting in the way?

So like I have said in previous posts, I am in a triad with a military couple who have recently gotten back from Iraq. Well because of this, they didn't have a place to stay unless they wanted to spend hundreds on a hotel for 2 months. They have been trying to buy a house (which closes at the end of this week ) So they have been at my house. He has been there for 1 month and her only 2 weeks.

Well last night was the first night they decided to have a date night by themselves and stay in a hotel for the night. I won't lie, it was hard on me. I never get a night alone with him anymore and he ignored my texts all night (I only texted a few times) He didn't call or text to say good night either. I was at least hoping for that. I mean I totally understand that they are a married couple, but does that mean he will just put me aside sometimes? I think he should have at least told me he wouldn't be communicating all night, but to just NOT do it. And when we go on dates together he texts his wife most of the night...I don't know maybe I am just letting my stupid emotions run wild, I think there needs to be more communication on this topic with him though, just so I am clear what to expect the next time.

They will be moving out soon, and I am fully aware they won't be in my bed anymore and I have been preparing myself for that, but does that mean he or she won't call/text me at night to say good night?

Am I being stupid here?
__________________
<3 Michelle
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-25-2010, 03:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brunetteangel03 View Post
...... I mean I totally understand that they are a married couple, but does that mean he will just put me aside sometimes? I think he should have at least told me he wouldn't be communicating all night, but to just NOT do it. And when we go on dates together he texts his wife most of the night...I don't know maybe I am just letting my stupid emotions run wild, I think there needs to be more communication on this topic with him though, just so I am clear what to expect the next time.
Hey Angel,

I feel your disappointment. Things like this are always the hard part of being in a 'secondary' role. I don't think anyone likes this term or the way it's often handled, but it's more important to understand it (truly) and keep it in some proper context.

When any third party (in the majority of cases) comes into the picture of an existing couple, it takes some time and a LOT of good, non-emotional, conversation to take place. This isn't really the fault of the individuals in most cases, it's the fault of the culture we are raised and live in. The whole concept of "marriage" brings with it this idea of certain rights and expectations into the other persons (spouse) life, feelings, actions etc. This is why the shutout occurred. There's a mindset that when the two are together the rest of the world should be shut out. If the shoe were on the other foot I suspect you'd feel the same (if you were the married one).
It's a mode & mindset that doesn't mesh well with poly relationships at all, and I think everyone feels that. BUT....it takes time to overcome - like any bad habit - like biting nails etc. And while it's happening it can be a real struggle for the secondary.

There's been endless discussions even here on this forum about the 'secondary' role and complications. If you search you will find them all - pretty heated topics overall.

My take on all this - having been on both sides of the coin - is that I have to keep it foremost in my mind that this IS NOT PERSONAL ! It's largely a cultural thing and is going to take time to find a better way of navigating. As the relationship grows and solidifies, it will get better.

It's not easy, and it hurts. But if you can hang in there and just have good, non-volatile conversations about it, it will get better.

Don't over-react. Everyone is still learning and practicing.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-25-2010, 04:16 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lakewood, WA
Posts: 28
Default

I am glad I didn't over react and really sat with my thoughts last night. I was honestly trying not to take it all personally, because I know they both love me, but I am not sure if they realize what turmoil I was in last night. This morning I still feel a bit hurt, but I am more rational than I was last night. I decided to post, because I wasn't sure if I should just expect this or chat about it and get his view on this too. Her and I's relationship is still very new, so I talk more with him than her about these things. Him and I have been chatting off and on by text this morning and he sensed I had a rough night, but I told him it wasn't entirely because they were gone last night. There were other reasons, for example the heat was brutal so I tossed and turned and I got a nasty call with the ex husband. I will try and chat with him later, and try not to let emotion get in the way too much...
__________________
<3 Michelle
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-26-2010, 01:50 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Brunetteangel03 View Post
I am glad I didn't over react and really sat with my thoughts last night. I was honestly trying not to take it all personally, because I know they both love me, but I am not sure if they realize what turmoil I was in last night.
Hey Angel,

Excellent ! It takes practice

It's fair to bring the general situation up in a nice way. They probably do NOT realize how difficult it is being in your position ! So approach it in an educational way. Try to explain (in a nice way) how difficult it is being in the role of secondary - especially at first. Try not to make it a pressure conversation - just informational. If you come across as demanding and needy it's going to have a negative impact on everyone. Undoubtedly they need to do some homework on the realities of such relationships and you trying to bring this point up and bring some insight to them is what's required right now.

Again, hard as it is, patience, patience, patience ! Anything good is worth waiting for. Moving to fast can ruin the potential.

Does that make sense ?

Keep us posted.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-27-2010, 11:46 AM
FitChick FitChick is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 100
Default

Something I learnt a long time ago when i was in therapy after my breakdown is using a thought log to try and balance negative assumptions or thoughts. when my partner used to go and visit his ex,I used to get tied up in knots but now I've logged the thought,written down evidence for and against the thought,then written a balanced one. This makes me feel alot calmer within in shorter space of time rather than stewing for hours.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 08-27-2010, 06:07 PM
Brunetteangel03 Brunetteangel03 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Lakewood, WA
Posts: 28
Default

OMG FitChick, that is totally what I need to do! Thank you so much for the suggestion! I was all up in knots that night and had all sorts of thoughts, but mostly negative, because he wasn't talking with me He explained later that it was due to him shutting off his phone because he had some of his soldiers texting him and he just wanted a night with his wife. I just explained that if he does that, to let me know so I am not wondering wth is going on. He apologized and I think he realizes how rough it is for me because he says he really does care about my feelings and hopes I can talk to him about them. Communication is def key in this type of relationship or things can really go south!
__________________
<3 Michelle
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 06:21 AM.