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Old 08-23-2010, 11:30 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Location: Louisiana... Go Saints!
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You're right, RP! A year isn't very long at all. This particular year has been my most life changing. Maybe this is why that dark period seems so distant. Also there are 2 things that I have realized as well. These two things are obvious and I knew them, but it took this happening for it to sink in. 1) It doesn't matter if he was part of the affair. My trustworthiness has been tarnished (understatement)... Maybe even more so than my fiance since he was on the inside. 2) My fiance and I have both had much MUCH more time to deal with this, discuss it, heal, grow, forgive and then he was ready to put it behind us so we did. All the while, Bud has been 3 1/2 hours away seeing me only one weekend a months. This obviously is a matter that one needs to look the offender in the eyes.

I also realize all of these changes in my life have made me a little... I want to say self absorbed, but that sounds wrong. How about overwhelmed. I'm thrown off by anything extra. I was not in a place to be there for him and looking at this with a little perspective.
Thanks, RP and GS.
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Old 08-25-2010, 04:09 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
But if his fear is that I will hide something from him....
I see fears as a belief that despite the best intentions, something bad will happen. Whereas lack of trust is a belief that you will not have the best intentions, and may neglectfully or deliberately do something hurtful in spite of the pain it will cause them.

i.e. in this situation, start with his assumption that spending one-on-one time with someone will make you fall in love with that person. A fear would be that falling in love with someone else will make you love him less. A lack of trust would be that you will hide falling in love from him.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
There's some sentimental attachment to a desire to have COMPLETE trust in someone else. I'm not so sure that's possible and by holding it out as a condition, it may be unrealistic. Expecting 100% trust seems to be close to expecting perfection.
For me, I acknowledge two kinds of trust.

The first kind, I require 100% mutually: trust that you/I will never deliberately and knowingly do something that will hurt me/you if you/I can help it. I could never be with someone who has the capacity to realize something will break my heart, and then chooses to do it anyway. I would not want to be with someone who believes I have that capacity.

The second kind has some give-and-take: trust that you will never hurt me. Obviously this one cannot be expected 100%. Miscommunication, lack of information or insight, or boneheaded mistakes can all cause us to hurt our loved ones without intending to.

For me, it's all about the intention. I can forgive just about anything if I believe you didn't mean to hurt me and didn't realize it would. Actually, for my own sake, I can forgive just about anything because carrying around anger only harms myself. But if I ever found out someone hurt me on purpose, you can bet your bottom dollar I wouldn't give them the time of day thereafter.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
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