Infidelity gives rise to Polyamory?

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by Rarechild

Crow, I think this is the best thing that's ever happened to he and I- really - not our wedding day, not his most beautiful bajno-pickin night - this. This because we never knew each other so intimately in the 5 yrs we've been together, and he and I, like everyone, have fought tooth and nail for those years, shared so much, learned so much---

And now we are finally getting naked with each other.

Heh. Mellencamp's song "I Want You To Dance Naked" comes to mind.

That sounds like an interesting experience. Is it like getting to know a whole different person? I've never hidden from a partner in that fashion, so it's foreign territory for me in that regard. I've had partners hide from me like that--and quit hiding only after splitting up--so that part's not unusual.

I'm fascinated at how it all comes together. So, color me interested should you ever want to describe what's happening at great length.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by vandalin

Most people, even posting here, have major doubts about bringing up being poly for the first time with their SO's. That is due to upbringing and society norms. So society itself is the cause of infidelity. Am I talking in circles yet?

Well, yeah. Humans run the gamut from having a single mono pairing for life to having a constant flurry of new relationships (and others ending). When a culture doesn't allow for that variety to happen and expects only one approach to be acceptable, then there are going to be lots of folks breaking expectations. One size does not fit all.

[Catfish]

This is an interesting thread.

In my opinion, infidelity is not what brought us to being poly. It's what forced us to get comfortable communicating openly and without fear of loss. That transformation has opened up our lives to endless possibilities, polyamory being the most intimate and difficult to summit without that level of clarity.

Rarechild and I have fallen in love all over again, not because we have decided to open our hearts to others, but because we have, for the first time, opened our hearts fully to each other. And damn, that feels good.

I believe that everyone is poly, but most never get to be open about it (with themselves or their SO) because of the preconceptions we're taught as children. We all fall in love with different aspects of others all the time. It comes in the form of admiration, respect, lust, trust... (insert attractive attribute here). People who declare themselves poly have simply decided to live that love openly and allow it to develop as fully as possible.

Just my $.02

[Rarechild]

Yes, it's hard to deal with the aftermath of deceit- but it is definitely possible. Lying for me is a result of not feeling love for myself and not being able to come up with a good reason why I am doing something, so a lie is a temporary avoidance of answering a question about yourself. It hurts both ways, and damages trust, surely.

In the past, I would run away from relationships when I got to the point that I couldn't (or wouldn't) answer questions anymore.

One of the most lovely things about my relationship now is that I don't have to run away, and I am loved and love despite past weakness, with full knowledge that more mistakes are are bound to be in the future.

I agree that it is best to start with a clean slate, and be self-aware and have a clear understanding of the conditions and such- but it just didn't happen that way for me- he and I both needed to learn things, lots of things, before we were ready to reveal ourselves as we have done recently.

His forgiveness and understanding about what caused my cheating is one of the things that has strengthened our bond, and opened up discussion for the healthy way to express our love and sexual attraction for others.

For my part, I am thankful for it, while it wasn't the best way to go, it was a way, the only way I knew how at the time to make change happen and express my frustration, and it has had an ultimately positive effect on my life.

[Rarechild]

Originally Posted by SeventhCrow

I'm fascinated at how it all comes together. So, color me interested should you ever want to describe what's happening at great length.

You may regret asking that question. I like this forum not only because there are great people and ideas and advice, but GREAT WRITERS!

I am a writer.

I shall oblige you soon in the Life Stories section.

[cosmicfreedom7]

Throughout my teen years and into my early 20's I will admit to being drawn to people outside my relationships and wanting to explore that avenue. At the time I always thought there was something wrong with me because I think we're all brought up to believe cheating is wrong. I know I hurt a few people and I will always regret that but I will never regret that analyzing and exploring the "why" of it happening led me to realize I was poly and that I wasn't incapable of intimate serious relationships. So yes, cheating did led me to this place I am now and actually freed me.