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  #11  
Old 08-23-2010, 07:11 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.
I imagine that you're right about that, but that you shouldn't concentrate on it as the thing to fix.

In general, people wind up in poly- relationships because they are either a) themselves committed to having poly- relationships, or b) because someone they really want to be with is. It's just going to be really challenging to talk someone into committing to a poly- relationship by selling polyamory. I think it's going to be a lot easier to be someone who seems like a really great person to date, and then make poly- look the way to get to do that.

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Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.
Many people aren't going to find even the most brilliant and engaging description of polyamory in theory very compelling. Instead of working on how you can phrase things better, I think that modelling it well will be substantially more effective.

If you're mostly meeting people online, that may be impractical. But if you are developing friendships where there is some mutual interest, but they're not enthusiastic about being in a poly- relationship, invite them to spend time with you and TP, or you and TP and Mr. A (if that's possible and the dynamic is a good, um, advertisement for being poly-). I don't mean to trick them into dates; you should respect that they are only interested in friendship. But nourishing those friendships may lead them to being more open to polyamory personally in the future, or suggesting it to their other friends, if they see it being lived in a sane, rewarding way.
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  #12  
Old 08-23-2010, 07:41 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Thank you, jkelly. I've been thinking some of those things, but they hadn't yet coheased.

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invite them to spend time with you and TP, or you and TP and Mr. A (if that's possible and the dynamic is a good, um, advertisement for being poly-).
Very subtly put.

We're still working on getting comfy together. We're not doing all that bad. More a case of me watching my casual touches so as not to cause a jealousy flare.

When we had dinner together the other week, I was actually relaxed ... But I'm not sure an "outsider" would appreciate the work it's taken to get this far and might pick up on the awkwardness we still have.

Then again, maybe it would be heartening for a mono girl to meet Mr. A and get his perspective on falling into a relationship with me!

Things to consider ...
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  #13  
Old 08-29-2010, 12:43 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Well it's funny how the brain works...and by funny I mean totally irrational and annoying...So Thursday night I start to feel like (for various reasons all of which were discussed at a later time) that I was secondary to Mr. A. It was absolutely ridiculous because even though I felt my time was being encroached upon, it really wasn't, just my perception was. I guess it felt like TP could move my time with her around and cut it back but not Mr. A's. Of course my Reptile Brain didn't rationally understand that she could do that because she spent so much time with me.

It was the stupidest thing that set it off too, she wasn't feeling well and..."It" Being my thought process...went upstairs to lie down, I went to check on her....She was wearing Mr. A's sweater bored from a particularly cold night out...my stupid reptile brain went into overdrive about her using his sweater, when in reality it was the closest at hand...so anyway Friday I told her how I was feeling and it blew up into a fight...which was resolved.

But I guess the point...if there is a point to any of my posts...is that how stupid it seems to me that her wearing a sweater from Mr.A can upset me, but I can have brunch on Saturday morning with him and TP, and then watch them say goodbye to each other (kiss and I love you's) and not be phased. What the hell is my brain on?
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  #14  
Old 09-09-2010, 04:34 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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So I've not quite had the energy or drive to post recently. I am out of gas when it comes dealing with things... TP and I are having our own issues, as you can read in her blog. She's right that I can take poly or leave it, but I can't leave her. I can suffer through the jealousy, anxiety, and issues as long as I feel like I still have her...but I feel like I am slipping back these past weeks. Am I just lying to myself? am I a mono who is trying to fit into a poly shell?

I mean I get the concept of NRE in all it's phases, and I get that she and I have been together for a while and we lose that new joke laughter; but I feel like my efforts to push through my own issues, and put TPs happiness first are not getting the returns I had hoped for. I love that she is happy, and happy when she's with me sometimes, but she's always happy with Mr. A. Where does the scale balance that we (Mr. A and I) get equal shares of the positive/negative? how do I stop feeling like she is more happy with him than with me?

THere's issues surrounding sex too. I don't know what to do about those, neither does TP. TP can go and have great sex with Mr. A, relax and orgasm; but with me, she's so hung up on having to orgasm that it even puts her off sex with me all together. I've told her many many times that she doesn't need to feel guilty about it, and that she doesn't have to see sex as a pressure situation, but it doesn't help...and the wheel goes round and we're back to where we were again. She has said she feels it's a round peg, square hole issue, she's said a lot of things, a good many dig to my core.

The whole thing has made me doubt so much about myself, and that just feeds my own insecurities which in turn feeds TPs turn offs about lack of confidence I have in myself, my physical appearance, my job, everything...so it turns into a cyclical mess that sees no resolution, just a circle of pain. SO how do I stop the cycle? I want off this ride, I want back to being in a relationship with TP that is good and doesn't give me teeth grinding tension headaches. Oh we have our moments a lot of them, but there's this elephant in the room and he just keeps stamping his foot...go to hell elephant.
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  #15  
Old 09-09-2010, 06:31 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
The whole thing has made me doubt so much about myself, and that just feeds my own insecurities which in turn feeds TPs turn offs about lack of confidence I have in myself, my physical appearance, my job, everything...so it turns into a cyclical mess that sees no resolution, just a circle of pain. SO how do I stop the cycle? I want off this ride, I want back to being in a relationship with TP that is good and doesn't give me teeth grinding tension headaches. Oh we have our moments a lot of them, but there's this elephant in the room and he just keeps stamping his foot...go to hell elephant.
Just to clarify, my turn off is a lack of confidence, NOT Indigo's "physical appearance, job, everything" ...

It's more of a big white elephant that we've beat to death, going round and round in circles, not sure what to do about my ever-increasing anxiety surrounding sex, especially with Indigo. I've always had this anxiety, and my relationships go one of two ways: the anxiety gets better and our sex gets better, or the anxiety gets worse and therefore the sex gets worse.

This is now to a point now where I could go out with a stranger and have more physically satisfying sex with them because there is no past. It's unfortunate for Indigo and I that my relationship with Mr. A has gone in the opposite sexual direction due to the fact that he has even worse anxiety than me surrounding his orgasm. Mr. A and I have both worked really hard to start overcoming our individual issues together, but I can't seem to transfer any of that work into the bedroom with Indigo and I.

Indigo is very easy to please. Any position, any place, anything works for him. And this was fun before my issues started taking over. Really, I can barely think of a handful of times where he's had to say, "Nah, this isn't working for me right now, so let's stop." Now, his ease and enjoyment of sex simply causes me shame and embarrassment at my own inability to achieve with him. To be honest, there's a touch of resentment there, too.

And of course, none of these emotions (which I do own), are of any help whatsoever when it comes to cumming.


This problem is breaking my heart. We want to fix it, but are truly stuck.
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  #16  
Old 09-09-2010, 07:28 PM
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Really sad you guys. I feel for you both and I also thank you TP for posting otherwise I would have had to traipse over to your blog and read that. Time is always an issue for me.

Indigo I hope you get some help here but you could try hopping across to the yahoo poly/mono group. It is very different from this forum but there are some mono guys there that probably have something to offer you.
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  #17  
Old 09-09-2010, 08:00 PM
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Hi, I'm Zen, Sage's poly partner. I don't normally participate on these forums, but I feel for you guys (TP, IM, Mr A), so here are my thoughts.

Your posts talk a lot about the sex issue, but not of the intimacy and cuddles and love making.

My deep connection with my significant other has been a celibate one, for over 5 years. No sex, lots of intimacy, nudeness, skin on skin, tickles, cuddles, laughter and body warmth.

Set aside 4-5 hours and have a romantic sensual encounter, massage each other, pamper each other, and forget about the sex for a while.

You may find, as I have, that there is "potato chip sex (TM)" and "3 course lovemaking". I used to eat a lot of potato chips, and it satisfies an immediate need, but you cant beat a 3 course meal for being totally satisfied, giving you flashbacks with that warm sustaining feeling for days afterwards. Like all good things, it takes a lot more preparation for the 3 course meal.

Enjoy! Zen
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  #18  
Old 09-10-2010, 02:37 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Thank you both ... We're working slowly, not letting this affect snuggle times and making sure we both know we love the other. Sex seems to be off the table for the next while, until I can get my anxiety under control. This is actually a huge relief, because we can still be physically intimate, without me worrying that I'm "expected" to carry through. (He's never, EVER put this demand on me before; it's just my anxiety.)

No news from us is good news. Unless it's good news, which would also be good news. We're reading and thinking on anything that is posted here, even if we don't comment.

Thank you.
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  #19  
Old 09-11-2010, 06:22 PM
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Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
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Well it's news, and I guess good news...we've gone ahead and called off the destination wedding....not the marriage but two of the big stressors were planning the wedding and paying for the wedding. Not by any means were we were going to be extravagant but it would have drained our savings.

So I was offended and hurt at first when TP told me she wanted to put it off for a year, but after discussion (her father said we make a good team which is nice to hear) I am okay with it, since it's not the marriage but the WEDDING that is the stress; we have a house, car, 2 dogs, 4 cats, and parrot and various and sundry possessions together (Not the 40" TV! You gave that to me as a gift honey, it's mine!) she's not going anywhere...took some thinking on my part to realize that.

So with that stressor out of the way we are going to do a quick civil ceremony whenever TP gets her birth certificate and driver's licence back with her new passport. Oh we're still going to Cuba in Feb. but basically calling it a celebration of our marriage....TP won't change the resort to the one where all the University kids are on break at, so I am out of trying to get some University lovin'.

All in all I am okay with the change, means we can have a better standard of living now than be miserable saving for one day...and we're still getting married, just means that we are not burdening our loved ones with the expense either....good development, good communication...it means that with that stressor gone TP and I can focus on other issues without the money stress and wedding stress!
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Last edited by Indigomontoya; 09-11-2010 at 06:28 PM.
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  #20  
Old 09-12-2010, 01:26 AM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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I applaude you. I firmly believe that too much money is spent on weddings, including my own. When everything was said and done, I immediately knew that a small family BBQ would have been more fun, not to mention a lot less money, but you can't tell a 22yr old girl anything, my dad tried.
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