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  #21  
Old 08-21-2010, 08:20 PM
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Majikdancer Majikdancer is offline
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I think I have some comments brewing in my brain about this thread. They just aren't gelled yet. (is gelled a word? if it is did I spell it right?)

You and Redpepper and Mono and former Ygirl and several others are why I finally de-lurked. I found myself reading all your posts, and wanting to earn my way into the support and rapport you all seem to have. Please keep posting.
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  #22  
Old 08-21-2010, 08:22 PM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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It's been a busy week. I started a temporary job about an hour away from my house. The up side is that I get to spend the commute with my husband, so we get about 2.5 hours more a day with one another (Quality time is a primary love language for both of us). The down side is that we've been incredibly social this week, so we have not been getting the sleep we need, nor have I had the time to really cook or clean.

Ideally, the weekend would have been free to rest and relax, but it hasn't turned out that way at all. Honestly, I'm not too upset by that.

Today I'm meeting up with AnotherBo, who's driving the many hours for something unrelated and we're simply taking advantage of the situation. I'm looking forward to talking with him. I'm also meeting a girlfriend for some quick shopping afterward. My brother-in-law will be over until about seven this evening hanging out with my husband, but the late evening should be completely free.

Which is good, cause I have plans to get up and do the hour drive into Anchorage in order to meet another friend for lunch, and then it's my brother's 21 birthday party. It should be really fun, but man, no sleep for the wicked.

To top it off, I met with someone new last night for some conversation and dinner. We hit it off amazingly well, and I was out from nine until about 5am. Amongst other things, we discussed alternate lifestyles, and Seth seemed genuinely interested in what I had to say about my polyamory. At one point during the discussion he he expressed interest in seeing more of me and exploring the connection we have discovered.

That had not been my reason for meeting with Seth, but I can't deny that it is a very exciting proposition. I invited him over on Tuesday to meet Mr. Unicorn and to have dinner and watch an Eddie Izzard DVD. We shall see how it goes!
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  #23  
Old 08-22-2010, 06:08 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Majikdancer View Post
I think I have some comments brewing in my brain about this thread. They just aren't gelled yet. (is gelled a word? if it is did I spell it right?)

You and Redpepper and Mono and former Ygirl and several others are why I finally de-lurked. I found myself reading all your posts, and wanting to earn my way into the support and rapport you all seem to have. Please keep posting.
Welcome! I appreciate your kind words, and I am looking forward to hearing your correctly spelled gelled ideas.
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  #24  
Old 08-22-2010, 06:13 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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So I had a lovely lunch with AnotherBo that lasted until dinnertime. So much for that one hour of conversation. I will withhold the details for privacy's sake, but I appreciated his discussion in real life just as much as I do on the forums. Plus he gives really nice hugs.
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  #25  
Old 08-22-2010, 06:37 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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I'm really struggling with my feelings about Seth. I swore up and down that I wasn't going to let NRE blindside me, so I've been on my guard about it, but there has been the strange side effect that I have been extremely worried about whether or not he will want to see me again. It's like if I'm not all caught up in the newness of it, I'm convinced that he's not going to be there at all. It makes me wonder if NRE actually serves a function in the beginning of relationships.

My rational brain has been feeding me a continual stream of comments about the situation in an effort to placate myself, but I'm still a nervous ball of energy and I don't think I'll be content until I see him at least once more. Ah, but even that is a fallacy! Bah. I feel like I'm running around in circles in my brain, and the really funny thing is that I have all you guys from the forum taking up parts in my head. It's going something like this:

Emotion: WHEEEE!!!! I"m so hap-- *CRASHANDBURN* He's never gonna talk to me again, is he?
Logic: What are you talking about?
Emotion: *Unintelligible hyperventilation.*
Mono: Just breathe, honey.
Logic: We have plans! Besides, he said he wasn't going anywhere, didn't he?
Emotion: Yeah, but MEN LIE REALLY BAD.
YGirl: Sounds like someone has some trust issues.
Emotion: Fuck you, YGirl.
YGirl: It's NeonKaos now.
Emotion: Oh, well then Fuck you, NeonKaos!
NeonKaos: No, Fuck you, FU.
JKelly: Ladies, please. This isn't constructive.
Ariakas: I hate to disagree, but I think YGirl has a point.
Logic: Yeah, Emotion, I sort of agree with Ari. Where's this coming from?

And so then I'm left with something constructive to explore. Thanks, you guys! What wonderful self exploration tools you've all become!

But anyhow, that does seem to be the key point for me. I am having some trust issues. Nothing really do to with Seth at all. If I'm being honest, I think it has to do with the fact that I don't feel desirable, which feels absolutely absurd because the rest of my self-confidence is firmly in place. I mean, I'm an awesome, capable, creative, interesting person! I just think that I have isolated myself for so long that I have forgotten how to trust that others can see that and appreciate that. Or that they can appreciate my body as well. I'm very invested in being everything I just described about myself because I feel like I'm compensating for my appearance in some way. Which is to say that I feel comfortable in my own skin, but when I think about what other people's reactions may be to me I feel a huge disconnect. Yeah, I should probably work on that too.

I'm really identifying with inlovewith2's discussion of the importance of sex and AnotherBo hit the nail right on the head when we were talking earlier. I really think I need to experience some of that positive feedback from a person other than my husband. I need to feel that I'm desirable to someone other than my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love what I have with my husband, and it's very fulfilling. But I also need to be reminded that desire for me isn't just a product of love and years of rewarding work.

Last edited by FormerUnicorn; 08-22-2010 at 06:55 AM.
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  #26  
Old 08-22-2010, 05:42 PM
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Originally Posted by FormerUnicorn View Post
Or that they can appreciate my body as well. I'm very invested in being everything I just described about myself because I feel like I'm compensating for my appearance in some way. Which is to say that I feel comfortable in my own skin, but when I think about what other people's reactions may be to me I feel a huge disconnect. Yeah, I should probably work on that too.

I'm really identifying with inlovewith2's discussion of the importance of sex and AnotherBo hit the nail right on the head when we were talking earlier. I really think I need to experience some of that positive feedback from a person other than my husband. I need to feel that I'm desirable to someone other than my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love what I have with my husband, and it's very fulfilling. But I also need to be reminded that desire for me isn't just a product of love and years of rewarding work.
I was reading this and it was like a light bulb went on! Yes exactly how I have been feeling. It also explains why I sort of (ok not sort of) rushed things and pushed so hard. Wish I had thought of this before I made such an idot of myself.
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  #27  
Old 08-23-2010, 11:49 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
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@Formerunicorn: I enjoyed our talk so much the other day, as well as the hugs. But especially your insight and vibrancy!

Your comment about acceptance has particularly stayed with me. Although I was pretty matter-of-fact about it at the time, the more I've thought about it, the more I realized what a critical unmet emotional need for me it is, and has been.

The feeling of total acceptance was something that really fired my early relationship with my ex, I'm realizing... and its gradual loss mirrored the decline in my desire for intimacy with her.


Anyhow, on to some of your other recent comments...

Quote:
I'm really struggling with my feelings about Seth. I swore up and down that I wasn't going to let NRE blindside me, so I've been on my guard about it, but there has been the strange side effect that I have been extremely worried about whether or not he will want to see me again. It's like if I'm not all caught up in the newness of it, I'm convinced that he's not going to be there at all. It makes me wonder if NRE actually serves a function in the beginning of relationships.
I think you're making a good point about NRE. Most of my thinking about NRE has been focused on the dangers, not the benefits. But in my experience, common emotional states have really good reasons behind them. I'd speculate in this case, the euphoria of NRE works to signal to both of you how strong the attraction is. When both of you are fired up, wanting to spend every minute together, its hard to feel much doubt about the other's level of interest. And the more time and energy you are motivated to commit to this new person, the quicker you can both figure out how well you're going to work out together. So I suppose being too much on your guard against NRE could be as harmful to your new relationship, as being blindsided could be to your primary one.

I have faith in your ability to relax and find a good balance.

Quote:
Or that they can appreciate my body as well. I'm very invested in being everything I just described about myself because I feel like I'm compensating for my appearance in some way. Which is to say that I feel comfortable in my own skin, but when I think about what other people's reactions may be to me I feel a huge disconnect. Yeah, I should probably work on that too.
Quote:
I really think I need to experience some of that positive feedback from a person other than my husband. I need to feel that I'm desirable to someone other than my husband. Don't get me wrong, I love what I have with my husband, and it's very fulfilling. But I also need to be reminded that desire for me isn't just a product of love and years of rewarding work.
I sympathize with being uncomfortable about other people's reactions to your appearance; I'm having some of the same issues myself. But I know you've already gotten some positive, outside feedback about your desirability, and you're going to keep getting more. Trust me on this!

More another day...


Anotherbo
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  #28  
Old 08-26-2010, 08:17 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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Wow. I just woke up from a nap and realized that it's been a whole week since I've had a full night's sleep. I have been busy every night since last Wednesday. Now I'm not complaining, I just think I may have packed my schedule a little full!

I own a book called (title redacted due to embarrassment) that has helped me find my confidence in myself when I was feeling neurotic about various things, and I have been looking for it for nearly two weeks in anticipation of being more social. After my husband and I tore up the house and garage looking for it, we decided we must have lent it out before we moved, and I was given the go ahead to buy another copy. And I couldn't find one locally. It took a few days, but I finally tracked down a copy, gave up precious hours of sleep to re-read it, and calmed the fuck down about Seth and some other things that had me on high alert.

I went from being needy and hurt to feeling confident and amazing again, and it has really paid off for me. It helped me identify some of my needs and gave me a clear idea of how to go about getting them met.

One of the most important and surprising is that I was able to see how to patch a relationship with a female friend of mine (Liz) who had become really distant. I reconnected with her and let the poly cat out of the bag. Liz was surprised, but extremely supportive and interested, and we both benefited amazingly from the reconnection. I even told her about my waffling interest in Hunter, who is a mutual friend, and she suggested some ways to let him know what I wanted to tell him. The whole conversation was great!

Calming down about Seth was the most obvious benefit. We had made plans for him to come over on Tuesday night, but I hadn't heard anything from him. I had been a little unsure of things when we parted on Friday, and I worried that might have given him the wrong impression. He also hadn't answered a text I sent on Saturday, and I was loath to send another or call. I was afraid he would cancel on Tuesday, or to be more precise, just drop of the face of the earth and I wouldn't hear from him again. I decided to keep the plans because my husband and I could have a good night, and if Seth decided he wanted to show it would just be icing on the cake.

On a whim, I got up late Monday night to write him a small e-mail giving him an easy out for Tuesday and I found he was online. I let him know what a great weekend I had, and how Friday had been such an awesome start to it. I focused on being positive and receptive, and it made me feel better. I talked about how busy I had been and how it was going to be great to have a relaxing evening at home. I was surprised and gratified when he asked if we were still on for our plans. I told him that I was looking forward to seeing the movie he was supposed to bring, and asked if he would help me with the shopping for dinner. He agreed, and we set a time to meet the next day.

The evening turned out great in the end, despite a minor miscommunication between Mr. Unicorn and I. Dinner was tasty, the DVD was awesome, and Seth and my husband seemed to have a good time talking (they're both pretty gregarious, so this was the one thing I felt confident about). Mr. Unicorn set things up so that Seth and I could sit together during the movie, and he retired to the computer room while there was still some evening left, creating the space and time for Seth and I to reconnect.

It was necessary reconnection, too. Seth had been friendly yet distant all through the evening, and though we were both enjoying talking, I really needed to feel connected to him before he left. We ended up on the love seat playing on the laptop, and I got to share some videos and music that I really like. It was kinda loud, and Mr. Unicorn popped out to say he was heading to bed and could we wrap it up in about ten. I was sad to put the music away, but I understood that it was noisy and we decided to take the dog out for a walk instead.

The moon was pretty and we talked about astronomy and music. I didn't know that Seth was partially deaf in one ear, and a few behaviors of his now made a lot of sense. The walk was nice, but the dog alerted to something in the bushes, and fearing bears or moose, we cut it short. Back inside, he helped me clean the kitchen and we wound the evening down. I think we stood at the door for a half an hour, just lingering for the sake of being in one another's company.

We made no plans, but I am sure hopeful.

In the morning, Mr. Unicorn was distant and curt and I was a bit worried. He said it was because he had gone to bed alone and had woken up alone and it just put him in a bad mood. (He was still sleeping when I got up to make breakfast, and he didn't remember my coming to bed in the evening.) After work, he explained that he had been upset because he had wanted me to come to bed with him because he wanted to reconnect, but he was frustrated that he hadn't been very clear about it. I immediately reworded what he had said when he was going to bed the night before and felt like an idiot, and I apologized. He said he wasn't mad at me because he felt it was his fault for not being very clear.

I let him know I appreciated the time with Seth, and that I felt much more at ease about the whole situation. He let me know that Seth seemed like an interesting guy. Mr. Unicorn said he had been feeling a bit of jealousy, but he thinks it was just situational and mostly because he was just tired. We'll keep our eyes open for anything similar in the future, and just continue building and enjoying our relationship.

All in all, I feel it was a very successful endeavor, and I'm looking forward to what the future brings.
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  #29  
Old 08-26-2010, 06:46 PM
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All in all, I feel it was a very successful endeavor, and I'm looking forward to what the future brings.
Hooray!


Anotherbo
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  #30  
Old 08-29-2010, 05:24 AM
FormerUnicorn FormerUnicorn is offline
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I've been getting in touch with many different people lately, family, my favorite friends, some old friends that I haven't seen in years... and some completely new people. It's been fun to be so social again.

I've come to a lot of conclusions.

#1: A relationship with Hunter would muddy our social circle, and I don't want that.

#2: It's really nice to be getting out!

#3: I'm not sure Seth would be able to meet my needs, and I'm coming to terms with that, even though I really like him.

#4: Why do all the cool people have to live so damn far away!


I'm very, very happy right now.
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