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  #11  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:03 PM
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Originally Posted by jennjuice View Post
1. I won't see anyone else.

2. He won't see anyone else.

3. She won't see anyone else!

LOL. Okay, so that may not even be poly, I don't really know but what I do know is that it works for us. I don't want anyone other than the two of them, and they both feel the same way.
I am not sure why I care so much, but I will ask again. You seem to think that this is not poly and that in some way you are unusual.... I asked what made you think so before and you haven't answered.... it looks like you are and it looks like you are poly-fi to me. What is it that makes you think that is unusual? I don't get it.

sorry for the hijack, I'm just trying to understand Jenni
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  #12  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:13 PM
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jennjuice, I have heard your situation called poly-fidelity.

Phisch, when my ex husband and I first opened our relationship, we were in a similar boat. He's straight, I am bi. He had not accepted my bi nature for the first couple decades of our relationship, but finally came to accept it and even become titillated by it.

So, after some fantasizing, we met a woman and he began to have a romantic relationship with her. We were hunting for a unicorn... a single bi woman. But it turned out she and I werent attracted to each other.

He had told both of us he didnt want me to date a man, but only women. I didnt think this was fair, but we didnt discuss it much b/c back then, our kids were young and I really didnt have time or energy or interest in dating.

But his gf was appalled at the idea that he would try to prevent me from seeing men as well as women, should I meet any likely prospects. Soon enough he realized how sexist he was being, and agreed I had autonomy to date/have sex with, anyone I wanted.

Ach, the patriarchy. It weirds me out that so many women today ID as bi, but men are stuck in the idea that 2 men together is gross. And they have jealousy around their wives seeing other men, but are OK with her seeing another woman! What is so damn magical about a stupid penis? She could fall as deeply in love with another woman as with another man, causing similar NRE issues, after all. She might fall in love with a masculine dyke. Is that OK? Or can she only date lipstick lesbians, like in porn?

<gets off soapbox>
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  #13  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:13 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I am not sure why I care so much, but I will ask again. You seem to think that this is not poly and that in some way you are unusual.... I asked what made you think so before and you haven't answered.... it looks like you are and it looks like you are poly-fi to me. What is it that makes you think that is unusual? I don't get it.

sorry for the hijack, I'm just trying to understand Jenni
I was wondering the same thing. I wouldn't have even given it (the FMF poly-fi triad) a second thought, but for the fact that jennjuice mentioned it more than once and made a point to say that it's "not really poly". What is so "not poly" about it? Is it just that you don't like to use the p-word? Because a three-way relationship is certainly not "mono".
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  #14  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:27 PM
X-User1335 X-User1335 is offline
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I say that sometimes because I don't want to step on anyone's toes by describing our relationship as poly. Because I see that so many different people here have completley different relationships........so it's meant to not offend anyone.

We have a closed relationship, the three of us. I guess I'm still coming to terms with what it really is. While deep down I don't really care what the "label" of it may be, it is what it is and it makes the 3 of us happy!

Sorry RP, I didn't see where you had asked me that before, I've been pretty busy the past week and just got time today to get on here and talk.

While yes, I can see where some people might have a issue with our man wanting to see other women but for us to not...................we don't have a issue with it and that's all that matters.

The three of us are to be faithful to each other. And that's fine by all 3 of us, none of us would have it any other way.

I see so many relationships here that are totally open to the man and woman having as many partners as they want and of both sexes. That's great as long as it is what makes the people happy...........that's pretty much how I see everything. I don't care what you, you, or you do in YOUR life. It's yours so have fun with it!

So, again, when I say stuff about not sure about poly it's because I don't want to assume that's what our relationship is..............I don't know what to call it other than happy.
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  #15  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:31 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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ok
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  #16  
Old 08-18-2010, 04:13 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jennjuice View Post
So, again, when I say stuff about not sure about poly it's because I don't want to assume that's what our relationship is..............I don't know what to call it other than happy.
If it involves loving more than one person in a romantic way with all parties involved knowing and consenting to it, it's poly. There are many many people who practice poly the way you do. It's called poly-fidelity and it's not uncommon.
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  #17  
Old 08-21-2010, 05:11 PM
inlovewith2 inlovewith2 is offline
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So here's the question (finally) ...Is it really fair for me to try to be who I am and ask her to share me when I am not OK with her being with another man? Is this counter-intuitive to the ideas of polyamory? Do others live by these rules or feel the same way? It feels selfish of me to lay down that rule but I would rather not be with others that to share her with another man.
Let's take a moment and pause the judgment. Questions of fairness are elusive. Your feelings are your feelings and I think it is a lot more productive to sit with those, see where they are coming from, and assess whether they can be changed.

I've been giving this a lot of thought lately. DW has begun dating a woman, who sounds very lovely. He'll ask me if I'm comfortable with this or that and I say yes, each time to his great surprise. For a while, it upset him further that I was ok with it. IOW, not only was I ok with being with another man, but being ok with him being with another woman was further salt in the wound.

There is a part of me that feels like I "should" be okay with it, because it's "fair". So, I think that's where it started, but as time went on, and I began having wonderful experiences (and none sexual in this time frame), I thought "why wouldn't I want him to feel this way?". I mean, I essentially get to relive our early dating days by dating others *and* being with him, someone for whom my love has grown very deep. So why wouldn't I want that for him? And he's so freaking cute as the dating guy ;-).

I don't know if that's helpful to you, but I think what I'm suggesting is to pause for a bit and sit with those feelings. Try to consider how the alternatives might feel to you. And yes, obviously consider how your partner feels.

Good luck,
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  #18  
Old 08-23-2010, 04:41 AM
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Let's take a moment and pause the judgment. Questions of fairness are elusive. Your feelings are your feelings and I think it is a lot more productive to sit with those, see where they are coming from, and assess whether they can be changed.
I think this is a great idea. I don't think your feelings are bad, no feelings are bad and don't make you a bad person. They are ones that need adjusting in order to not be hypocritical, but the way of getting there is what's important...

Sometimes walking right up to feelings and walking through them is the only way. A lot of time I think people are scared to experience them and so avoid them or do what they think is right by others and then feel worse. Really, facing up to the fear and pulling a part what the feeling is really can make us learn and grow... so as to make a change with full knowledge of why.

Jealousy is a big one to face up to, but I have found that there is always a deeper issue/need behind it that can be very useful. Perhaps you will find that in this situation.
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  #19  
Old 08-24-2010, 05:18 PM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think this is a great idea. I don't think your feelings are bad, no feelings are bad and don't make you a bad person. They are ones that need adjusting in order to not be hypocritical, but the way of getting there is what's important...

Sometimes walking right up to feelings and walking through them is the only way. A lot of time I think people are scared to experience them and so avoid them or do what they think is right by others and then feel worse. Really, facing up to the fear and pulling a part what the feeling is really can make us learn and grow... so as to make a change with full knowledge of why.

Jealousy is a big one to face up to, but I have found that there is always a deeper issue/need behind it that can be very useful. Perhaps you will find that in this situation.
Very good advice redpepper. Instead of focusing on whether or not the feelings are valid or good or bad, it's better to really focus on the feelings themselves. As redpepper said, walk right up to them and, if possible, through them. The self insight that can come from fully experiencing your feelings can give you a better sense of why you can't share - irrespective of whether you decide to share in the end or not. The self-insight is much more important than the outcome.

An added side benefit is that the intimacy you can create by sharing that journey with your partner is also pretty spectacular. This is hard because of what those feelings bring up in you. Sharing the good and bad of my emotional states is really the hardest for me. But, the deepest levels of intimacy can be achieved by having a partner close by while you walk through those feelings.
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  #20  
Old 08-26-2010, 04:42 PM
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My feeling on this is that I wouldn't be ok with someone dictating who I could see while they were free to see whoever they happened to be attracted to. At the moment I have no interest in other men but if it did come up and I did become interested in a man I know that my husband and I could work through it. For me it's a matter of respect and equality.

You have every right to be uncomfortable with her being with another man but it also your responsibility to work out why you are uncomfortable with it. If she doesn't want to be with other men at the moment that's great it means that you have time to work through it and find the why before she does develop an attraction to another man.

-Derby
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