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  #21  
Old 08-19-2010, 06:57 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I hate this. I hate the fucking up and down emotional roller coaster.

I had plans for tonight. I had a great chat with Pengrah about her and her relationship with Wellington and so as I was getting ready to leave I texted her with "Are you available if he needs you?"

I was ok. I was comfortable in knowing that he had somewhere to turn if he needed to.

And on the way home I'm full of tears. I had fun where I was - but it was like having cookies. They taste good - but are not very nourishing.

I wanted poly because I needed/wanted more.

Now - my dh has someone he's crushing on - and while he's with me - he's WITH me - but I have less - because how much of his time is spent thinking about her, looking forward to being with her... yanno, all that wonderful NRE stuff? But I don't have it.

And then there's the issue that left me feeling so horrible on Sunday night/Monday morning. That issue continues to leave me feeling stigmatized and less than. I don't know how to move past it.

For 3 days now - I"ve had nothing but heavy, intense conversations. Very little fun, light, friendly conversations and I watch everyone around me having those.

So to sum it up, right now....

1. I feel stigmatized. Don't know how to get past that.
2. I am slightly lonely - because not only do I not have another partner, I don't have my husbands full attention either.
3. I need fun. And from those who matter to me most - I'm not getting it.

UGH.
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  #22  
Old 08-19-2010, 02:15 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I am behind enemy lines right now.

Stuck in my head and what ifs.

I want to go back a while and unhave a conversation.

I guess this is where karma is biting me in the ass..
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  #23  
Old 08-19-2010, 02:20 PM
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It'll get better, MBG!
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  #24  
Old 08-20-2010, 08:19 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Feeling "off" today.

I had an amazing experience with dh and our play date last night - then we all tumbled into bed and I misunderstood something - there was a lack of communication and I felt once again left out.

Woke up this morning, had a conversation with him about it - and we cleared it up, sorta. His perceptions are different than my perceptions so... BLAH.

Realized today that 13 years ago, I met him - he was with his c/l wife of 12-ish years at that time.

We got together in Feb of 1998 - and 2 weeks after we got together he left his common law wife of 13 years for the woman he was sleeping with.... ME.

Now - he's 12 1/2 years into a relationship with me (married 11 tomorrow!!) and I wonder... does the TIMING off all this have anything to do with my inability to handle this well?

Ah well - I'm not losing my mind today - and I've managed to express my discomfort with something in a healthy way - although he took it defensively... *sigh* gotta love texting as a way of communication

Tonight is girls night out - tomorrow is my anniversary My mom is coming to hang out with us, and my daughter will be there on Sunday. Sunday night I'm supposed to go see Terri Clark in concert. Overall, a REALLY great weekend starting in 10 minutes when my friend picks me up for lunch
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  #25  
Old 08-20-2010, 09:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
Terri Clark in concert.
I don't listen to country but she has a house in my old neighborhood. There was a silent auction there and her hat went for $1300! Crazeeeee..it was my friend bidding on it with her bosses money LOL!
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  #26  
Old 08-21-2010, 04:03 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Today is our 11th anniversary.

I woke up from a horrific dream where my husband and I had travelled along distance with our children to visit his family and long time friends. I thought everything was going great, when they all went into a meeting.

When they came out, hubby took me aside and said "this is what's wrong with you. Please change this. I love you and will help you change"

I broke down in tears - crying that I hated this place, I wanted to go home. He stroked my head and held me and said VERY lovingly "I know you do hun. Just make the changes and you'll be happy again"

NOT a good dream.

We had a HUGE fight last night - although by the end of it realized that the fights are shorter, and resolved quicker. If nothing else good happens out of this journey - our communication skills are becoming phenomenal and that will only serve to strengthen us and our marriage.

Get the fight done, we're both ok at the end of it. I go out and get rather drunk. (it was a planned night out with a friend -including the getting drunk part LOL) I get home and we have some REALLY good conversation.

He tells me that the girl we play with casually - he doesn't want to do anything beyond BDSM play with her. I'm in agreeance - now we just have to find a way to tell her -it really has nothing to do with her - but we'd like to still be friends - we enjoy her company.

I asked for a couple things with regards to his relationship that he's going on. Probably not the best timing to ask - but it was on my mind and I needed to get it out. We'll discuss it further as my questions were more of a generality and I need to get some specifics nailed down. But not today And I'm pretty freaking ok with that Normally I would be pushing for conversation NOW because its swirling around in my head. But I'm good with that

We have a full day planned. Shopping, farmers market and my mom will be here later. I want to take the boys "somewhere" for fun hiking/climbing stuff - but as I just watched dh take his pain meds (he has Tramacet he has for when his pain days are REALLY bad) if I want to spend the day with dh, I will have to forgo that. We'll find something fun to do at home I think...

Everything is good. Its great. I feel incredibly connected to my husband - and am just really happy today
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  #27  
Old 08-21-2010, 04:08 PM
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Oh wow MBG, I am so glad you are making some progress with W! For some reason I thought you were going camping w Ari and Repepper et al!

I'm glad you and he had some time for sharing playtime with your friend, and had energy and clarity enough to have some good talks as well.
__________________
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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  #28  
Old 08-21-2010, 10:57 PM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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I was invited to camping, and if it were just about any other weekend but this one - we probably would have gone.

Sometime in the next couple of days - we are going to have a conversation about what poly means to us, how we want it to look and find the boundaries that we're comfortable with.

I am in a weird sort of space. I think about dating and I wonder how I'll have the energy. Or time. And really... why....? I'd have to get used to someone else's quirks, personality....

Its a really good day for me. I put myself out there on OK Cupid last night - I'll see if I make any connections. If I do, I'll see where they lead - but if I don't... for now, today, I'm ok with that
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My Journey as a Widow

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  #29  
Old 08-22-2010, 01:44 AM
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I'm missing you next time!
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  #30  
Old 08-22-2010, 01:48 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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Awwww you're so sweet

I'm having a wonderful awesome amazing day with my husband

We'll definately connect... hopefully sometime this year!!
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