Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Life stories and blogs

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 08-20-2010, 02:54 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
She didn't understand personally

Because I'm lazy and don't want to do the math, how long after dating RP did you come out to your family?
I met RP in January and told my parents in March of the same year. I actually told my sister in February because she is very acceptiong and open minded...although she was still shocked but not the first time she had heard of poly.

I told my mother just before Mother's Day because I was tired of lying to her about what I was doing onthe wekends or denying that some one meaningful had come into my life. I was essentially losing depth with my parents and siblings.
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 08-20-2010, 04:21 PM
Indigomontoya's Avatar
Indigomontoya Indigomontoya is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 107
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by idealist View Post
I used the words "ethical non-monogamy"
I think you just became my hero for creating that term.

That is such a great thread Mono. I really like the idea of using relatable terms to explain what Poly means, I think in the past I had tried to explain it and got bogged down as you said "by definitions" rather than explaining it in such a way that can be understood.

I had posted in the 'Coming Out' thread about dropping the 'P-Bomb' (TP's words) on women I am interested in.

I have tried all the advice from that thread: posted in my POF profile, not posting and saying right away, waiting until they have seen who I am as a person and then send them an email along the lines of "I really enjoyed our didn't want to mislead you..." and used the term "committed, non-manogamous relationship"

So I have tried multiple approaches; and received hate mail for posting in my profile and the results are I now have more female friends when telling them after establishing a good basis for a relationship (relationship in the broad sense of the word, friend or partner).

Predominantly the response has been a reluctance to 'share' me with TP. I can understand their point of view, but I feel I am not conveying the idea of a poly relationship well enough to be convincing.

I know this may not be the case all of the time but two of the women are definitely interested and are having issues coming to terms with sharing someone they are dating, both have said this outright (yes TP I took your advice and asked) and the others have asked things like "You have someone? is that not enough?"

I am wondering if anyone has stories, or advice in the phrasing and explaining what poly means, or what being with someone who is poly means.

I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog
__________________
Polyamory is wrong! It's Multiamory or Polyphilia. Mixing Greek and Latin roots? That's wrong.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 08-20-2010, 04:24 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by Indigomontoya View Post
I will develop a blog when I have time, but for now I am hijacking TP's blog
Hijacking mine is fine (I'm just glad you're posting! ), but I fear I have very few readers!
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 08-20-2010, 04:46 PM
ImaginaryIllusion's Avatar
ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
Moderator
 
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 1,936
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
but I fear I have very few readers!
Pish Posh
__________________
“People who say it cannot be done should not interrupt those who are doing it.” - Chinese Proverb

-Imaginary Illusion

How did I get here & Where am I going?
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 08-21-2010, 01:04 AM
RGee91 RGee91 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 96
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TruckerPete View Post
but I fear I have very few readers!
posh pish
__________________
When one limits themselves in terms of love, they have missed the point of love altogether ~ RazeGeneration
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 08-23-2010, 03:54 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Red face Reveling ...

Indigo and I have gotten our scuba certification over the last week ... The instructor is a sweetie, easy to make blush, and I've been flirtier than I normally ever would be.

It's so nice that it's OKAY. I feel good.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 08-30-2010, 05:07 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default Round table for the win!

Indigo and I (as he mentioned) did have some problems last week, but they were sorted out. After said issues were sorted, he said that he had planned on offering a surprise overnight option on Friday, should Mr. A's schedule work out. (He works about 28 days a month, and rarely has time off on a weekend, when I do.)

Miracle of miracles, Mr. A had a freaking day off on Saturday! Indigo and I spent some quality snuggle time together before Mr. A picked me up on Friday, and then off I went.

Saturday morning comes around and Mr. A and I contemplate brunch. I need to call Indigo to okay being later than our agreed time if Mr. A and I are to go to brunch. I tell Mr. A I need to call Indigo and he asks if it's to invite him. I said no ... but the bug was planted and I sheepishly asked a few minutes later if he'd mind, since I couldn't imagine a lovelier way to enjoy brunch at my favourite spot. He said it was all good!

So we went to brunch. With a round table! The food was wonderful and the company was better. The sun was shining! I got to sit with one leg touching each of Indigo AND Mr. A.

I didn't truly realize until after, but these two gents don't know each other. I mean I knew this, but sitting there, they have much in common and seemed to be quite at ease, laughing at the same jokes, poking fun at me, and referencing pop culture-y things I don't get. It was easy to forget that they probably haven't talked for more than 2 hours total. This made me appreciate the whole experience even more.

Indigo very generously offered to pay for brunch, and my heart melted all over again. He has worked so hard for me, for this. I know he could take or leave poly; certainly life would be easier for him to leave it. But he's not leaving it. He's taking it, and therefore me.

I am trying harder to be so appreciative of this man.


You can read Indigo's version of brunch here.
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 09-02-2010, 06:13 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Talking Senior member? *snork*

Sometime in the last couple of days, I passed 100 posts and hit Senior Member status. Funny. I don't feel like I know more... For all you folks know, maybe I just like to play the word association game a lot.

That wasn't actually why I came on to post, but it made me giggle.

Indigo sat me down tonight with an "I've been thinking... " These always strike a lighting bolt of fear into me, despite the fact that he has never once said something negative after beginning this way.

He wants to offer Mr. A and I the chance at 3 days a week together! Which in itself is goood news, but even better for me, was that I didn't immediately jump at the opportunity, screaming "OH YESSS!" like I'm in a shampoo commercial. The first thought through my brain was ACTUALLY "Is this good for everyone?"

So after talking with Indigo and Mr. A a bit, we've reached a "try it and see what happens and listen to everyone" agreement. I felt thrilled by my reaction because it really does mean we're settling in and I can get on LIVING without the wonderful but oh-sooooo-exhausting NRE high.

Mr. A brought up the great point that if we only have an hour to see each other rather than a whole evening, with three "days" to see each other it's not going to feel like we're "wasting" a day and should hold out for better times based on his unpredictable and demanding work schedule.

This hit me as a DUH moment. Why should we label days as "Indigo's" and "Mr. A's"??? I suppose this boundary was necessary in the beginning or I surely would've disappeared in a puff of NRE. But with the way things have settled now, of course it is possible that all parties feel their needs have been met ON THE SAME DAY.

Again, DUH.

This can only lead to greater comfort and flexibility, I think.

On an equally pleasing front, after Saturday's brunch, the guys have been casually chatting on MSN. This is thrilling for me, of course.

We're all having dinner tomorrow (tonight??), and I'm cooking. I'm looking forward to it a great deal because I see Indigo and Mr. A as potential friends, and we don't entertain guests very often at all.

Gee, it's almost like hard work and communication pays off or something!
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 09-14-2010, 04:10 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default

Things are going ... Some good, some bad. You can read about them all in Indigo's blog or the poly vignettes ...

I'm fighting tooth and nail against slipping into the depression that always dominates this time of year.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 09-20-2010, 07:34 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 999
Default On rings 'n things

Things, of late, have been revolving around family. Talks of family, thoughts of telling family about us (all of us), etc. I would like to tell my father when he returns from a business trip he's currently on.

While at Mr. A's last night, his parents called. He ended up talking to them for about an hour, looking helplessly at me, while I mouthed that it was perfectly okay. He had ... an equally unpleasant childhood as me. My advantage now is that my parents are separated, my father and I have worked through things that happened, and resolved our differences. My mother, well, we don't speak, but that also means we don't argue. The relationship with Dad makes up for it.

I got the impression that Mr. A's family was asking if he had a girlfriend or was seeing anyone at one point. He sort of looked at me, looked guilty, and said, "Not really." He clarified this was the case, and told me that aside from the fact that I'm engaged he thought that I might get along with his mother, despite the fact that his parents have not liked any of his previous girlfriends. (From what I know, I can only say they were justified ... ) But they are very conservative and he can't imagine telling them about us.

I don't fault him for this. We're not even three months in. None of us are out to our parents. All three of us have told select friends, and been encouraged by those results, but family is, well, different!

This got me thinking.

The original impetus behind the boundary of me keeping my ring on, from my point of view, was that anyone I date has to be willing to accept the whole package (Indigo included!). No cow-people wanted. You don't get to insulate yourself from Indigo; you're expected to be part of my life, and in return I will give you the same.

Indigo can clarify, but I believe he shares much the same view, with the addition that perhaps the ring is a reminder that he knows and is not a cuckhold.

Last night, I realized that Mr. A respects Indigo, they are calling each other friends, and he does accept the whole package, while working through his "other guy" feelings. So the whole reasoning for the ring fell out from under me ... We are all finding family to be a bit of a special case, and hey, wouldn't it be better if his family knew the real me, before potentially finding out I'm engaged or married? And if we don't make it that far, then Mr. A gets a free pass to go on with his mono life, meet a mono girl, get mono-married, and all that (mono) jazz without ever having to shatter his parents' illusions. Me, well, I will be shattering more illusions at some point. Better sooner than later as far as I'm concerned.

So this morning I asked Indigo what he thought, and explained my feelings. Indigo ... agreed! This afternoon, I was able to tell Mr. A that "no ring" was an option, should he choose to take it and introduce me. Almost immediately, I got a message from Indigo saying that Mr. A had thanked him.

I think this one sentence Indigo spoke to Mr. A sums things up nicely: "I'm petrified of telling my parents and I've got the ring on her finger. I count you as a friend and so making your life easier is not issue at all." He went on to assuage any feelings of other man syndrome and all sorts of things that just make my heart overflow with indescribable goodness and rightness.

So am I a Champion of Polyamory? Probably not. But it feels like the right decision, and not a betrayal to anyone I love. I'll take being a Champion of Us.

Last edited by TruckerPete; 09-20-2010 at 08:41 PM. Reason: typos ... *sigh*
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
blog, comminication, depression, new to poly, nre, personal growth, vee

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 10:41 AM.