Cheating vs. Polyamory: Merged Threads, General Discussion

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

What does one say in such a situation? "Fancy meeting you here"--?

That works. So does
"I've really fallen for you!"
or
(to the tune of "Low Rider") "Take a little trip, take a little trip, take a little trip with me . . ."

[Fidelia]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

Mebbe it's just cuz I'm sooooo sexy that they want it to be a coded message to them!

I'll bet that's it.

I'm sure it's a heavy burden, but somebody has to be that guy. I'm glad it's you, AT; I know you'll use your powers for good.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by jkelly

Swinging is a much older, more established and on the order of fifty times larger community than polyamory. They have a wealth of resources, clubs, events, and much greater name recognition. I suspect that the problem of swingers mis-identifying themselves as poly- is close to non-existent, especially as compared to, say, serial monogamists doing so, and yet they get brought up in these conversations as if they are some kind of problem group.

The only swingers who have been mentioned are those who try to use the term "poly" as cover. You can try to infer something different than that all you wish and it still won't change things. Nobody has made any claim that swingers who do so represent a major proportion of all swingers or that swingers are a problem group or, indeed, anything negative at all about swingers in general.

Please try to respond to what is actually stated in a post. Reading into other peoples' words isn't a useful contribution to a discussion. If you're really concerned that somebody might be thinking evil thoughts, a simple "I know you didn't say this, though I think somebody should point out X to make certain we're all on the same page" would suffice nicely.

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

Reading into other peoples' words isn't a useful contribution to a discussion. If you're really concerned that somebody might be thinking evil thoughts, a simple "I know you didn't say this, though I think somebody should point out X to make certain we're all on the same page" would suffice nicely.

I think you're drawing some distinction between reading someone's post and "reading into" that post that I'm not clear on. When reading something someone else has written, I don't assume that I have perfect knowledge of authorial intent, if that's what's at issue.

In any case, you and I are making two different claims (about the nature of the problem of swingers posing as poly- people) and aren't in agreement. Presumably someone who agrees with you about the frequency of this happening, and thinks that swingers have something to gain by using poly- as a "cover" for their swinging, is going to disagree with me that it's weird to bring that up. But since I don't agree, I think it's weird.

[NeonKaos]

Swingers would have something to gain by using poly as a cover the same way a cheating person would have something to gain by using poly as a cover: To deceive someone into doing something under false pretenses that they wouldn't normally do if they had "good" information.

Perhaps it would be better to say, "Liars come from all walks of life".

If someone here said "swingers are notorious for telling potential partners that they are polyamorous in order to increase their chances of obtaining sex", or anything like that, please cite the post that does so. I'll wait as long as it takes.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by jkelly

I think you're drawing some distinction between reading someone's post and "reading into" that post that I'm not clear on. When reading something someone else has written, I don't assume that I have perfect knowledge of authorial intent, if that's what's at issue.

It's that you read extra meanings into their statements that aren't supported by any of the actual statements. For another example:

Presumably someone who agrees with you about the frequency of this happening, and thinks that swingers have something to gain by using poly- as a "cover" for their swinging, is going to disagree with me that it's weird to bring that up. But since I don't agree, I think it's weird.

I never made any claims about the frequency of that happening. I simply noted that it happens--I've witnessed it personally and I've met a couple of other people who reported the same thing. I've no idea how often it happens and I won't hazard a guess because I don't think it's characteristic of swingers in general.

I've also made no claims about why swingers would do that, beyond the observation that there have been swingers who have claimed to be poly as part of an effort to find new sexual partners. I can hallucinate why, based on incidents reported by acquaintances of mine, and should I offer up a possible reason, it is presented as a possibility.

For you to claim that somehow all swingers are being maligned when the discussion has only mentioned a *very specific sub-group* that nobody has claimed is very large is nonsensical, unconstructive, and somewhat rude (as it paints those of us involved as somehow being "anti-swinger").

It's much the same as when YGirl mentioned the possibility of a stripper having a drug problem--you castigated her for maligning strippers when she did no such thing. You didn't respond to what she actually stated, you responded to a notion that *nobody* had stated while trying to assign her responsibility for stating it. That's just not cricket.

So, again, I'll ask that you respond to what was actually stated and not something else. Or if you do respond to something else, make it clear that you're not responding to any statement actually made.

[NeonKaos]

So, again, I'll ask that you respond to what was actually stated and not something else. Or if you do respond to something else, make it clear that you're not responding to any statement actually made.

I would like to thank everyone in advance for their cooperation in this matter.

[TruckerPete]

Originally Posted by AutumnalTone

What does one say in such a situation? "Fancy meeting you here"--?

I prefer "Come here often?"

*hauls mind out of gutter*

*falls back in*

*shrug* Fuckit.

[AutumnalTone]

Originally Posted by jkelly

With the emoticon there, I get that you're joking, but I sort-of think in the scenario that you describe there's a pretty reasonable chance that they were into you on some level and were looking for a way to start telling a story in which you were also into them.

I've tossed that around in my head and I think you may be right in regards to a couple of them. I like to cheer on folks I'm around in whatever they're doing and try to remember things they've mentioned to follow up on later (we're all in this human experience together) and that may be better treatment than they get from most other men they deal with regularly. Perhaps they would like to live in a story where there's romantic interest from a man who invariably treats them well, and turning him down adds a melancholy turn to the story.

[jkelly]

Responded here.