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Old 08-19-2010, 12:57 AM
luckygirl luckygirl is offline
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: san diego, ca
Posts: 11
Smile progress!

Okay. Things feel much better for me lately. First of all, I had a conversation with an ex-lover which finally made me realize that having feelings for someone else doesn't mean that your feelings for your partner are compromised. I know it probably seems like a little thing to you guys, but it was important for me. This ex-lover has expressed an interest in seeing each other romantically again whenever/if ever I should be ready, which felt kind of nice, I'll admit. It felt nice, I'm considering it, and I'm still madly in love with my boyfriend. How about that.

Thinking about how I would feel if roles were reversed has always been tremendously helpful for me when I'm struggling with something, and now I feel like I have an example I can use for myself in this situation. It's good.

Then, when I told my bf about this, he was so completely cool about it, loving, supportive and encouraging, ready to help me out in any way he could; he really set a great example. It was the weirdest thing; he would say "I'm interested in so-and-so", and I had no idea how to react, so I defaulted into the reaction that I had been conditioned to accept as normal. I knew that I wasn't reacting in a way I felt good about, but didn't know what else to do. His reaction has made me see what's possible for my own behaviour. Does that make sense?

I really do WANT to do this. I still have things to learn and to practice, and I'm sure I'll still fuck up from time to time, but the next time my guy says to me that he's interested in so-and-so, my intention is to smile and say "That's cool, she's awesome."

Wish us luck.

Last edited by luckygirl; 08-19-2010 at 01:41 AM. Reason: clarity
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Old 08-19-2010, 01:45 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Lucky,

There's a lot here in your post. Maybe some of this will help you get some clarity on where you're at .............

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
It's been three months now since my partner of about a year and a half told be that he didn't think he could continue to function in a monogamous relationship, and that he wanted to be free to have romantic and sexual connections with other people.
Important to keep in mind it's not only poly relationships that go through what we call NRE ! You guys have only been together for a little over a year - hardly time to let the relationship settle in. I'd guess that maybe this is what you guys are hitting now - a settling in. It's different than the NRE stage and will require some new understandings of each other and the 2 of you as a unit.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
I've been struggling with a lot of things in regards to this, and while he's been as supportive as he knows how to be, I still feel like I can't really talk to him about it, because it seems like he's not really hearing me, or lapses into logic or sarcasm when what I need is reassurance... or something.
Yep - more evidence of the fading of NRE and coming down to earth. You must learn to communicate.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
There's so much going that I just don't understand. His idea of what the relationship model would ideally look like seems to change on a whim, and I feel like our life together is very unstable.
Well - accept the possibility that he may not know what a real, long term relationship means/requires. The NRE has faded and it's entirely possible he's not prepared to move to the next level. It IS possible. Be prepared to face that - call a spade a spade as we say. If it comes out he's only an adrenalin (NRE) junkie then better to discover that now than later.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
I find myself putting distance between myself and other women in case he has, or develops, an attraction to them.
Typical defensive mechanism ! Bad - very bad. Regardless of your current situation I suggest you put some serious effort into banishing that trait from your being. It's self defeating in the long run, can lead to serious personality defects, damages potentially important relationships/networks etc. Every person we meet has a potential to be important in our life for a variety of reasons we may not be immediately aware of. Pushing others away out of fear is a bad habit to develop.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
Something I'm struggling with is feelings that there must be something wrong in our relationship if he wants to have others. All my life I've heard "They don't look elsewhere if they're satisfied at home", and I can't help but worry that I'm an unsatisfying partner to him.
Ahhhh - so now you can see the 'programming' we're subjected to growing up ! This is a classic one intended to keep women in line and submissive to men. Instill feelings of obligation and inferiority ! Discard this as the rubbish it is ! what's important is that you be the best person you can be that YOU will love. If that's not what someone else needs/wants - so be it. In the end we have to live/love with ourselves every day of our life. Not running away from ourselves.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
I feel shamed and insulted.
Yep - exactly what they intended you to feel to keep you in line

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
I don't want another lover. I feel like it would distract from my relationship with him.
Fairly common but subject to change. Right now all your energy is being spent trying to maintain this relationship. If/when it finally settles in and just flows naturally that COULD change. We never know. The foundation of poly is that we don't know that, and are making space (and peace) for the unknown down the road to not generate some crisis.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
Limited time and resources is another issue for me.
Discussed in depth all over this forum. Won't repeat. Read, research & think.

Originally Posted by luckygirl View Post
I want to give him, that my feelings will get sorted out eventually... but I need some support. Ready, go.
Maybe they (feelings) will, maybe they won't. Although it might seem honorable and loving to try to 'give' something like this - you can't give what you don't actually own. Poly is NOT for everyone automatically. Neither can you force feed it to yourself if you are allergic to it. Does it have distinct advantages - yes. Is it simple & painless - NO !
I might suggest studying it like you would shopping for new furniture. Understand the list of variables. Maybe even try some out. See what feels most comfortable to you. Ask around (like you are here) for others experiences longer term. Just take it on as a project. Regardless of what the final decision is, you'll be in a better space knowing you did your due diligence and won't be stuck wondering if you missed something potentially special that could have been a life changing decision.

Good luck and check in with all of us whenever you want to bounce something off someone else. There's a wealth of experience available here and as many perspectives as there are people.

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