Redpepper's journey

[Breathesgirl]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Thanks to both of you.


We talked again on the way to work. I am so close to the surface with this. My emotions overwhelm immediately. Our boy spends the whole time telling us to stop talking. How do I teach him that its important that everyone has a chance to talk bout their needs and sometimes people get upset while having a need to talk? My parents spent my whole childhood trying to belittle my need to talk about needs due to the passion have and feel when I do. Now as an adult I am the same way and am made to stop talking by my son. Talk about reliving a trauma. I keep reminding him that we all need to talk, but he's too young to know more than that I think. I understand he thinks I'm angry and it scares him. I'm scary when angry. There is no doubt about that!

I asked PN if he understood what I have been saying. I feel so unheard. He wanted to know AGAIN what I mean by space. I've been over it and over it. I got him to think about empathizing and what I have been saying. I'm trying to get him to do the leg work. He said he would try to get out of the house once a week, as he hardly ever goes out. I am sorry to say, but I just saw that as an insult at this point. That and false promises. I have been disappointed so often before, I just don't believe it. He's promised that before even. I guess one thing is he got what I have suggested as far as changing our living situation. I told him I would have to rent a bachelor suite if it doesn't change.

Kids do tend to not understand that we can discuss things without arguing/throwing things. This has been a long, hard fought battle with my oldest but he has learned to give himself a time out in order to let his emotions cool off before facing the situation.

Requiring a space of one's own is NOT an unreasonable request! We have a two bedroom apartment & I have no space of my own either. Every space is ours! (except the kids room & that's because I need to napalm it before I'll attempt going in there). I can't even take a bath in peace because there's only one bathroom! Closet space? I use a wardrobe & it's crammed full!

I've chatted with people online who can NOT stand to be alone, they've got to have someone around (or sound like the radio or something) all the time. I can't comprehend this concept, lol. It's foreign to me.

Breathes enjoys his alone time as well but he's always got to have some sort of noise going on, even while sleeping . It took him a few years but he finally! learned to not turn the tv, radio or other noise maker on as soon as he walks in the door unless he wants to closet himself in the bedroom because I can't stand it! I don't know what the problem is with me but I need the peace and quiet (yes, this is a need, not a want), if there's too much noise happening nothing gets my undivided attention and things, or people, suffer because of it.

Do the two of you have a mutual friend, who's in the loop, who understands both you & PN who can perhaps mediate (translate) for you? If there isn't that communication workshop sounds like just what the doctor ordered

This brings to mind the book The Five Love Languages. I haven't read it yet but I've heard some really great things about it. I'm sure you could find it in audio format.

You take care of you & the rest will fall into place because your frustration levels will be so much less .

(((((((((((((((((())))))))))))))))))

[anotherbo]

Maybe I need a good swift kick and wake up call to tell me I'm being selfish? Or maybe I need someone to witness my life and say "you know, you don't seem to ever get space for yourself" acknowledgement of some kind would help at this point as I am feeling guilty about it as much as demanding. Please feel free to challenge me. I'm ready for anything.

A lot of people (including me) have a need for a space of their own. A place to feel safe and comfortable. A place to spend quality time with just yourself when needed.

Wasn't this your quote RP? "You are your own primary."

Sounds like you need some time with the primary that is yourself. Time to relax, get centered, and figure out how to take care of you with all that's going on. And when you need that, but don't have a suitable space, it exacerbates all the other problems.

Anyhow, more *hugs* and hang in there.


Anotherbo

[redpepper]

Thanks for the reminder about the five love languages. Both PN and Mono require touch and words of affirmation according to that book. Something I haven't been giving to PN much. Sigh. Maybe that will help.

Wow beathes, you are in a similar situation. How do you manage?!

[SNeacail]

Originally Posted by redpepper

Thanks for the reminder about the five love languages. Both PN and Mono require touch and words of affirmation according to that book. Something I haven't been giving to PN much. Sigh. Maybe that will help.

Wow beathes, you are in a similar situation. How do you manage?!

Just listened to that book on the ipod - really good.

Your moving into your van made me think of the Toyota add where the mom is having a "Time Out" in her mini-van. She is watching TV, doing her nails, talking on the cell phone and taking a nap, while the dad is keeping the kids from bugging her. You are enough of a majority in your need for space that they made a national commercial out of it.

[Breathesgirl]

lol. I'm lucky in that Breathes & Possibility are gamers & Friday is THEIR night to be together. One son is generally off with friends & the other goes to Youth Group so I get a couple of hours on a Friday night. My commute to work is an hour each way (I use transit), my job isn't mentally challenging so I can let my mind wander & do what it needs to do. In fact work is where the majority of my thinking & problem solving get done.

We occasionally talk about what we would do if we won the lottery & the first two things I would do (three actually) would be to buy/build a house, put in a chef's kitchen and build myself a room! My room would be sound proof & only I would have the key a la Claire Huxtable.

I take my time whenever & wherever I can find it .

[redpepper]

HAHAHA! That's awesome! Yes, that's me right there! Thanks that made me feel less crazy for needing this.

[redpepper]

Interesting that my love language is acts of service.

[Confused]

I really hesitate to reply, feeling like such a newbie but I keep reading this and thinking how I reconnect with my husband when we start to feel unsettled. We've been together 12 years too but I frequently still feel bowled over by love and excitement at being with him.

We have shared a lot of new experiences together over the last 2-3 years (the time when we've been most connected and happy) and I think they add excitement to being together and make it easy to meet each other's needs. I think more in terms of the emotional needs from the book His Needs/Her Needs by Willard Harley than I do in love languages now but they're a similar concept.

I really need a lot of conversation, honesty and openness and a lot of physical affection to feel in love/loved and my husband needs sex, to have fun together and for me to do domestic type things for him. Actually I really need sex too lol.. but thats beside the point because I'm trying to say that its really hard to start to try to meet your partner's needs when yours are going unmet, but its a negative spiral and sometimes you can get it back to a more positive spiral by finding it within you to meet their most important needs whether you feel like it or not for a week or two.

[idealist]

I totally understand about personal space!! I absolutely have to have it.


Years ago.....After dating for 18 months, my female partner and I decided to move in together. We were already in therapy- not because we were having problems, but because we wanted a professional opinion about our relationship.

We did live together for 12 years and had a very functional relationship and one of the advantages we had was a result of something our therapist suggested and we took it seriously.

We each had our own personal space within the house. We had a BR that we shared and we shared a Living Room and Kitchen/eating area, of course. But we also each had a private and personal "sitting room" in the house. The personal spaces were considered sacred and we each gave special attention to turning our individual spaces into something that was special for each of us.

The agreement was that a closed door was considered normal and healthy. An open door did not mean that someone could freely enter, however. But we would invite each other into our spaces, occassionally. When I was in her space, I would consider it a special privilege and would act accordingly. She would do the same in my space.

Therefore, we would make dates and wait to be invited into each other's spaces. It kept things really special for us!

Years later, I purchased a house with John. He has two sons. While planning how we would use the 2,400 square feet, we had agreed that I would have the Living Room/Dining Room combination for my office and sitting room. That would be my personal space.

The doorway from the Front Entrance was open and I was mentioning about how I would be needing a door there. John said that he didn't understand why I needed a door. After numerous conversations, it was obvious that he did not undertand my need for space and I realized I could not live with him. He bought me out and is still living there with his sons.....

I also wanted to say something about bisexuality. If PN is bisexual and without a male partner, that can cause a great deal of discomfort also.

[redpepper]

well, he technically has a male partner idealist, but he hasn't been around all summer... I don't get how his relationships work. I would never let something like that slide. He just kind of is doing his own thing and not a part of PN's life. I would be on that and asking what is going on, why haven't you contacted me, when shall we see each other again. I'm definitely learning another side of poly through how he conducts his relationships. I notice quite often people just disappear. I get invested very quickly, I could not be okay with that or do that.