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  #21  
Old 08-18-2010, 04:51 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
I think some of it is that one of my concerns in being poly is not having the amount and type of time I'd like with our guy. I've been living on my own for about 8 years now, so I feel particularly "needy" in terms of wanting attention, affection, sex, touch, companionship, etc. I'm not sure I'd want to ever have another guy in addition to our guy. I might be a "mono" with a "poly". Who knows???? I try to be open while remaining true to myself. I just not always sure who my "self" is!
It's like green eggs and ham, you won't really know until you try it. With any LDR you're not going to get as much time together as you want, but with a local poly relationship, it generally isn't much more of a problem than any other local relationship where people have stuff going on in their lives, be it work, hobbies, etc, and people can spend time with both/all partners at once.

And don't rule out the possibility of more love coming into your life! There was a time when I was really anxious about the idea of adding anyone new, I thought I'd be settling, I was sure any other guy would turn out to be a cowboy...then I met a cute guy in an awesome poly family who rode a motorcycle, and that went really well, but I still was apprehensive about getting involved with anyone else....then I met this really cute guy at church who is awesome in totally different ways, and I don't know how it's going to work out yet, but I'm really hoping to have some kind of relationship with him- which was totally not what I was looking for at all when I started going to church! Point being that it's impossible to predict when you're going to meet someone new & fall into NRE all over again.
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  #22  
Old 08-18-2010, 01:45 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by StitchwitchD View Post
And don't rule out the possibility of more love coming into your life! There was a time when I was really anxious about the idea of adding anyone new, I thought I'd be settling, I was sure any other guy would turn out to be a cowboy...then I met a cute guy in an awesome poly family who rode a motorcycle, and that went really well,
Oooooooo.....let's hear it for cute guys on motorcycles! Thanks for your encouragement and support StitchwitchD.
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  #23  
Old 08-18-2010, 03:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by dragonflysky View Post
T
I tend to think my couple should take the lead in how to "do" this "poly stuff", since they're the ones who introduced me to it and both of them were wanting a poly relationship. They've been together for about 2 years,
**************************** AND *********************
I think some of it is that one of my concerns in being poly is not having the amount and type of time I'd like with our guy. I've been living on my own for about 8 years now, so I feel particularly "needy" in terms of wanting attention, affection, sex, touch, companionship, etc. I'm not sure I'd want to ever have another guy in addition to our guy. I might be a "mono" with a "poly". Who knows???? I try to be open while remaining true to myself. I'm just not always sure who my "self" is!
Yea Dragon, I understand.

Reality is though, that nobody in this situation is "leading" - it's a joint exploration. Yea, 2 years for some may seem like an eternity but I suspect that many, many people even on this forum will echo that 2 years isn't even getting your feet wet ! You're all still learning and exploring together. Make allowance for that and don't hesitate to take a lead in areas you feel secure and knowledgeable about. You each will have unique perspectives and unique concerns and weaknesses. Play as a team - help each other out but each have their own specialties - if that makes sense.

Time/neediness..............

Yea - we got a couple threads running here already on time concerns. Yourself, currently being solo, are naturally likely to have more time you are going to want to invest in this. It may not be viable for everyone. Get used to this aspect ! Until you have had MUCH more time to integrate each other into the other's daily lives this can generate more conflict than it deserves. Be patient, be creative and work for closeness and integration. If you can move that forward some of the time constraints will disappear of their own accord. Until that happens try to be patient. It's hard-yes-I know. But being unreasonable and demanding will only create conflict.

Keep going............

GS
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  #24  
Old 08-23-2010, 01:25 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Time/neediness..............

Yea - we got a couple threads running here already on time concerns. Yourself, currently being solo, are naturally likely to have more time you are going to want to invest in this. It may not be viable for everyone. Get used to this aspect ! Until you have had MUCH more time to integrate each other into the other's daily lives this can generate more conflict than it deserves. Be patient, be creative and work for closeness and integration. If you can move that forward some of the time constraints will disappear of their own accord. Until that happens try to be patient. It's hard-yes-I know. But being unreasonable and demanding will only create conflict.
Keep going............

GS
Well luckily I don't see myself as an unreasonable or demanding person. In fact, I'm more likely to go the other way....think more of others wants and needs and not speak up and ask for what I want/need. I don't want to be at that end of the continuum either as that's not healthy. So, I'm struggling a bit to try and find what is "reasonable" to want or expect, particularly in a poly relationship where time constraints are very real and can get even more complicated with mutiple people's schedules, demands, wants, etc. That's why there's still some question in my mind about whether poly and I are a good fit, particularly if I were to remain mono within the poly relationship. But since I really like and love my couple I'm willing to move closer and see if that helps. I just know that without them in my life there'd be a big empty place in my heart.
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  #25  
Old 08-24-2010, 06:01 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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It's hard to believe that in just 16 days I'll be seeing my couple....on a regular basis! Damn....I'm so excited!
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  #26  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:05 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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I'll be moving near my couple in 4 days. Actually as it turns out I'll be moving into their spare bedroom until I can find a place of my own to rent (should be no longer than a month). I was going to try and rent a place from looking at them online, but then decided that was a bit risky not seeing a place in real life. While I live with them I'll be commuting a little over an hour each morning and evening.

So our guy and I are talking on the phone last night. Let's see....he's on-call for his job Monday and Friday nights. They go to choir on Tuesday nights. They're taking dance lessons on Wednesday nights. They have a SCA (Society for Creative Anachronism) group of friends who come over to their home to work on drawing/writing scripts every Thursday evening. Oh....and by the way....he's working a night shift at a hospital where he used to work for this coming Saturday (my first Sat. with them) because "they were desperate and really needed" him.

They knew I was moving down near them over a month ago. The dance lessons and choir were recently added. As was his new job with on-call (which he obviously doesn't have a say in.) He told me when I took the new job that due to the distance we probably wouldn't be able to see each other much on weekdays when I get moved to a place closer to my work. Let's see...that leaves Sat. nights...unless he picks up a midnight hospital shift. And I'm certain that he's not going to want to spend every Saturday with me even if he was available.

I'm sad. I'm disappointed. I'm pissed!! I had told them I didn't want to be in a secondary role in this poly relationship. Heck....I'm beginning to feel like I'll be lucky to be a FWB. And no I haven't told him yet. We had a very poor phone connection last night and I didn't want to get into a sensitive subject only to hear half a conversation or be cut off periodically with a dead phone line. Besides....how many times do I have to express what I want? And....I would have hoped he would have been eager to spend time with me. I don't know whether to cry or throw-up.
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  #27  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:39 AM
marksbabygirl marksbabygirl is offline
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(((HUGS)))

I don't know what else to say so I'll just send you (((HUGS)))
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  #28  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:51 AM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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To put a bit of positive perspective in this, it doesn't sound like they are relegating you to secondary, it sounds like they are putting you in their life. Once NRE is over and life, as a couple or more begins, this is normal. Work, play, hobbies and life.

Welcome to a relationship
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  #29  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:53 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Thanks for caring marksbabygirl. I could use a good hug about now
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  #30  
Old 09-06-2010, 05:58 AM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
To put a bit of positive perspective in this, it doesn't sound like they are relegating you to secondary, it sounds like they are putting you in their life. Once NRE is over and life, as a couple or more begins, this is normal. Work, play, hobbies and life.

Welcome to a relationship
And just where is it that you see them putting me into their life other than staying in their spare bedroom until I find a place to rent???? I'm not seeing where there's much time to develop a relationship between he and I. The only "NRE" we've had from my point of view was spending two nights together. One of them was because she was working a midnight shift. He called her at work to tell her "goodnight" as we were settling down to go to sleep, which I thought was really sweet. I wasn't jealous at all. The other was when we all were on a camping trip together. He and I slept together one night on that trip. They slept together 5 nights. We talk on the phone once...maybe twice at most....a week. He doesn't like emailing and doesn't correspond with me in any other way during the week. They have couples time. When will we???? Ours is a fairly new relationship. That's secondary or less in my book.

Last edited by dragonflysky; 09-06-2010 at 06:06 AM.
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