Moving....literally...forward??!!

[dragonflysky]

Originally Posted by Jade

Aww Happy for you

[dragonflysky]

I"m really pleased with how things are moving along in our relationship right now. Ever since I made the decision to take a new job closer to my couple, our guy has been more attentive. He is now calling me on a more spontaneous ("was just thinking about you so decided to call") and frequent basis. He asked me to call him tonight when I was getting ready to head to bed so we could "snuggle" (over the phone) for awhile. Awwwww.... (I don't make the actual move for my new job for about another month.)

Maybe he was kind of holding back to see if I was really committed to this relationship???? When he first told me he was poly I'd never heard of it. I said that while I believed it was possible to love more than one person at a time..and didn't judge him...I didn't think poly was for me. I didn't know if I could handle facing my own insecurities and subsequent jealousies. (I'm still not certain I can, but I've been reading and reading and working on it. I've been amazed at the capacity I'm finding in myself to love expansively. My couple has been patient as I work through my personal insecurities.) She and I gave each other a great big hug when I told her I'd taken the job and would be moving nearby. I really like her and we enjoy the banter of "picking on" our guy sometimes! When I last visited them she and I got talking and our guy eventually left the room. When we gathered back up we asked why he left. He said "You two seemed to be enjoying talking with each other so much that I just decided to let you enjoy one another's company and go talk with someone else." (We were at her place of work at breaktime, and he knew others that worked there.) The journey continues.....

[SchrodingersCat]

Originally Posted by dragonflysky

This is certainly true, but even when we went to an event in early June and were together for 5 days, they'd make a decision, e.g. who would sleep with whom when, and then tell me what it was and then ask if it was ok with me. In that situation I felt I could have/should have been part of the discussion. Also, in June they had already planned out many of their weekends for themselves for the Summer months and never even talked with me about if or when I might want to get together with them, or do things with them, etc.

ooo, touche. Those are definitely the kinds of decisions you should be involved in, especially sleeping arrangements when you're all staying in a room together.

Your theory that he was testing the waters does not seem unreasonable, but I think it would be good to talk to them about how you're feeling about being left out of decisions. Especially since you're making such a major life change with them as part of the reason. It's great that he's paying more attention to you now, but it would be really good to see that it's not just excitement and a fresh burst of NRE.

[FireChild]

This is so exciting. I really hope it all works out.

[dragonflysky]

Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat

ooo, touche. Those are definitely the kinds of decisions you should be involved in, especially sleeping arrangements when you're all staying in a room together.

Your theory that he was testing the waters does not seem unreasonable, but I think it would be good to talk to them about how you're feeling about being left out of decisions. Especially since you're making such a major life change with them as part of the reason. It's great that he's paying more attention to you now, but it would be really good to see that it's not just excitement and a fresh burst of NRE.

Thanks for the feedback SC. We weren't staying in the same room. They were in one tent and I was in another. Since it was a more "public" gathering we didn't want to push or "flaunt" the issue of our developing poly relationship. Some of their SCA group members are quite conservative Christians...(others are pagan! ) All of her children (mostly young adults) were there and while they know about their mom being poly, we still are cautious about bias carrying over to them. It was hard to find time for the three of us to talk as we were all involved in several hours of volunteer work, not always in the same areas. But, I still felt they could have made a better effort to try and include me. I did discuss this with him and how it wasn't acceptable to me to be in what seemed to be a "secondary" position.

And yes....I sure hope it's not just a fresh burst of NRE, too. I was going to make a geographical move anyhow due to becoming older (55), single, and living in an area with very limited resources, e.g., Population: 850, cold, icy mountain driving in the winter, nearest hospital is outdated and located 1 and 1/2 hours away, nearest Walmart/Kmart, 2 1/2 hours away, no home mail delivery, only one grocery store in town and it doesn't sell fresh meat, closes at 7 pm and isn't open on Sundays, etc. They definitely figure into why I chose to move to where I'm going, but they're not the only reason.

I hate leaving the beauty of where I live in the mountains...and I love my current job...but reality kicks in at some point. I just had a medical situation in June that ended me up in the hospital for 7 days....not a good experience. Poor diagnostics and inadequate treatment. My mother died at 61 years old of a heart attack. Her mother and all her mat. aunts had heart attacks in their early 60s (although they went on to live well into their 70s, 80s and 90s). My dad had 4 siblings die of heart related conditions in their 60s. Sometimes thinking about getting older and planning around it...SUCKS! But burying my head in the sand (or maybe I should say snow! lol) isn't such a great idea either.

[dragonflysky]

Originally Posted by FireChild

This is so exciting. I really hope it all works out.

Thanks FireChild! I sure hope so, too!

[dragonflysky]

Just venting here.....
I forgot how much I HATE the process of moving!!! The internet searches trying to decide which method to use....all of which seem too expensive. (And of course I'd love to be able to afford full service with someone packing it up, moving it and unloading it....Right...dream on!!) The sorting and packing. The saying "good-bye" to friends. Having to tell the kids and families I work with that they're going to be transferred to a new therapist. Finding friends who will help me do the loading. Not having a place yet to move into at the other end. The unloading. The unpacking. The organizing. YUCK!

I told my guy on the phone last night that they were worth it. Hmmmmmm....maybe I need to re-think that!

[FireChild]

I've been moving all of my life and it never sucks less.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hey Dragon,

I'm sure you are aware of this - especially in the back of your mind, but thought it maybe worth bringing to the front too.
Regarding your feelings about being left out of decision making, activities etc, remember that this is a new skillset to most everyone, especially an existing couple. They have been making decisions together for a long time - very long in some cases. We're a habitual species by nature lol. It will take some time for it to fully set in that now you are a larger set than just 2.
By all means always bring up the 'reminder' in a kind and gentle way when ever the situation arises. It will take some time for old habits to die and new ones to get established.
Many decisions, plans etc get made on the fly in bizarre times & places - in the grocery store, on a trip to the doctor, you name it. Re-learning that there is now another party to be considered so maybe a plan can't be made right now will take some time.
Be patient.
Understand.
Be kind & loving about making the adjustments together.

Good luck !

GS

[dragonflysky]

Thanks for sharing your thoughts and for your encouragement, GS.

I tend to think my couple should take the lead in how to "do" this "poly stuff", since they're the ones who introduced me to it and both of them were wanting a poly relationship. They've been together for about 2 years, with part of that time with her now ex-husband as a part of their triad. (He ended up going off with a "cowgirl" to be in a mono relationship.) In fairness to them, however, I think the other poly type experiences they've had were quite short term. One woman was married and wasn't being open and honest with her husband about her involvement with my couple. Another one turned out to be another "cowgirl". So, in terms of developing a type of committed poly-family, I guess they haven't had much practical experience.

I think some of it is that one of my concerns in being poly is not having the amount and type of time I'd like with our guy. I've been living on my own for about 8 years now, so I feel particularly "needy" in terms of wanting attention, affection, sex, touch, companionship, etc. I'm not sure I'd want to ever have another guy in addition to our guy. I might be a "mono" with a "poly". Who knows???? I try to be open while remaining true to myself. I'm just not always sure who my "self" is!