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  #91  
Old 08-17-2010, 03:58 AM
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I decided to take advantage of the weather and move out to the van for me time. We have a camper van that we don't run anymore as it's become expensive (1976, GMC hard top). I love the thing, it was a wedding present from my parents and NP and I used it a lot, the ex and I have been on some trips in it too. It makes a good bedroom of sorts for now

Mono helped me set it up. He came over especially to do so and we watched the end of "the office" on the tiny black and white tv in there after I made the bed, checked for propane, and moved the camping gear over. We snuggled for a sec and decided to go in before "something" happened.

NP thinks that it's because I don't love him. He thinks our connection is broken for good. He thinks that he has forced me out and its because of the break up whatever it was thingy with roly that I have decided this. It's not. It was the catalyst, but not because of it.

He has asked me to be more loving, more huggy, more sex, more fun times and more NRE... or ORE (old relationship energy) and I can't do that if I am not getting some of my needs met. I can live without Mono downstairs, but I can't live with this lack of space anymore. It is making me feel disconnected and inward as I protect myself and go into my head to have space. I can't put out if I am not receiving...

I feel so selfish.
Who am I to make demands like this?
Has he not given the whole way along?

I don't know, part of me thinks like that and part of me thinks, hey! I have given a lot too. I agreed to her coming and staying with us. I agreed to give them space, I picked him up after his last girlfriend, I am attempting to with this one by making some arrangements to be stronger so I can do that...

why do I feel like crying then?

I came into the house just now and feel worlds better, just from the few minutes I had in the van that was MY OWN!!!! MY OWN SPACE! *weep*

*cling* I'm clinging to this feeling so that I might be grounded and balanced again so I can be strong for my family and my lovers and my friends... and myself.
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  #92  
Old 08-17-2010, 04:08 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

I came into the house just now and feel worlds better, just from the few minutes I had in the van that was MY OWN!!!! MY OWN SPACE! *weep*
It was my pleasure to help Lilo. It is quite a cozy space...but nothing was going to happen...I'm way to strong to give in to.........yeah, I'm totally full of shit and would have done whatever my Mistress wanted....I'm weak I tell you....WEEEEEAAAK!
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  #93  
Old 08-17-2010, 04:26 AM
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I want to have something to say to make you feel better, some great words of advice. But all I can do is send a long distance hug and tell you Karma and I are thinking of you. I'm sorry you are going through this. Sometimes a little time to yourself is the best medicine. Especialy when you feel you have no answers and no where to turn.

I'm glad Mono was there for you and I hope you and PN get a chance to catch your breath and work things out.
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  #94  
Old 08-17-2010, 05:21 AM
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Heehee, RP on safari.

On a more serious note, from what I gather you've been holding your needs in check while PN has been busy being emotional about roly, good and bad. You've tried to be there for him and you've been making a superhuman effort to make things work well in your house, but along the way the things you need keep getting shuffled to the side, tucked further and further away from being dealt with.

I think it's completely normal and healthy to desire your own space, especially if the space that is supposed to be yours is not a place where your needs can be met.

Taking this time to acknowledge your own needs will be amazingly good for you, and good for PN too, because if your needs aren't getting met, then you can't be available for him. I hope you can snatch some of the solace you need from your temporary digs.
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  #95  
Old 08-17-2010, 06:00 AM
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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post

NP thinks that it's because I don't love him. He thinks our connection is broken for good. He thinks that he has forced me out and its because of the break up whatever it was thingy with roly that I have decided this. It's not. It was the catalyst, but not because of it.

He has asked me to be more loving, more huggy, more sex, more fun times and more NRE... or ORE (old relationship energy) and I can't do that if I am not getting some of my needs met. I can live without Mono downstairs, but I can't live with this lack of space anymore. It is making me feel disconnected and inward as I protect myself and go into my head to have space. I can't put out if I am not receiving...

I feel so selfish.
Who am I to make demands like this?
Has he not given the whole way along?
Sounds like a lot to be asking all at once. Seems to me like the place to start is with the fun times together. Once the fun starts happening and you rediscover each other either things will fall back into place or you'll find a new normal. The 2 of you are very much a part of each other's lives and you'll find that new way of being together.

If your needs are being met you're more likely to be able to meet the needs of others. It's like on the plane, put your own oxygen mask on first. If you're not taking care of you, you can't take care of anyone else. I'm glad that you've found yourself your own space. Relationships are give and take, as much as PN is asking of you it's fair for you to ask things of him too. The give and take and push and pull brings people to a middle ground. Listen to your needs and ask for what you need.
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  #96  
Old 08-17-2010, 06:47 AM
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thanks Mohegan we all think about each other around here don't we? I certainly think about you guys too and send love your way.

@Formerunicorn et al- The thing I have realized of late is just how long and how much I have shuffled my needs to the side. When I reached into myself to find the energy to offer support, there just was none available.... I have been so used up by denying that I need to take care of myself because he isn't going to, that I had nothing to give... I got desperate.

I thought I didn't love him anymore, but when I look at him and when I think of our goals, it's the faith I have lost, not the love. I lost faith that we could be together the way things are, so I decided to change that and make my life my own... its so easy to fall into that in marriage or a long term committed relationship.

It makes me scared though, because I know I am unconventional and that family and others will have an opinion about that. I'm not so good when it comes to people I love being concerned, and having an opinion about stuff. Gossip and drama drive me crazy at the best of times, especially being the brunt of it, which I usually am.

I would like to think it will all be good for me and the others, so I'm trying it out.

@derby- I like your plane analogy. I think you have told me that before and it really resonates with me, thanks.
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Old 08-17-2010, 06:50 AM
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Thanks for your nice comments on my post to "still struggling." It was really nice to come home to that after a hard day at work.

As for your situation I agree with Derby to a point but that seems to be the way it works for women. I know it's a bit of a generalization but I think there is some truth in the old adage:- Woman need to feel loved to want sex and men need sex to feel loved.
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  #98  
Old 08-17-2010, 07:03 AM
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So we had a visit from NP's uncle a few weeks back. Until that time all has been quiet on the NP family front. No peep of anyone caring or even knowing that Mono and I are together and that NP knows about it and accepts it. NP's mum has been very welcoming, as has her husband. She divorced NP's dad when NP was a teen and remarried NP's best friends Dad. Very tricky. She said that she wishes this kind of life was an option way back when, because she would of agreed to such an arrangement.

Last winter Mono and I were at a concert and being all lovey and close to one another. At one point I got up to use the bathroom during a break. I stood up, turned around and who should be sitting behind me but NP's cousin. He and his fiance were shocked to say the least...! I said hi and slipped away. When I got to the bathroom I fb texted him and said that NP knew about us and that we considered ourselves poly. He replied before I even got back to my seat that he always knew we were freaks and said it was cool as long as we didn't tell his grandmother (also NP's grandmother). I agreed and smiled sheepishly when I returned to my seat.

So, the uncle comes to visit. He has heard from his sister that we are all good and that she is quite willing to accept this relationship dynamic and he is curious about Mono! They had been chatting on line a bit after he had welcomed Mono to the family and wanted to meet him. I thought it might be a good idea to invite Mono to the family BBQ that his aunt was putting on. As I didn't think anyone knew except her son and NP's immediate family, I thought it would be fine... well it wasn't really and even if I marketed Mono as a friend of the uncle, it still was not flying, so we all thought it best he not go.

BBQ happens and the brash uncle asks "where is Mono! I have been waiting to meet him and they said he was coming! Don't you guys travel in a pack now?!" Geeeeez, the jaws drop! Gandmother looks confused... cousin looks horrified and I just laugh and say, "we shall get together on Saturday, you can meet him then."

After we left that night there was a huge talk about us and what was going on. Cousin fest up about knowing, Mum had her say about not making a fuss, she thought it was a good idea. Auntie had a heart attach, but came around a bit. She objected to our pagan wedding, so this was just more to roll her eyes about and grandmother got concerned.

Grandmother called me one morning on my cell. I was in bed with Mono at the time and didn't recognize the number. She called to see how I was... and check in. Not a word was mentioned, but it made me nervous.... we shall see what happens next. I somehow think we are out of the loop and everyone is taking their stance. We shall see. I did manage to pass along to uncle that it isn't a secret for us. We are open to talking about it or not. We aren't hiding and only stayed silent to respect cousins wish to protect his grandmother... as we agreed that would be wise, we decided to respect that wish. Well, she knows now, so, all secrets are off.
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Old 08-17-2010, 07:05 AM
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
Woman need to feel loved to want sex and men need sex to feel loved.
That is so true it seems! We always said around here, "happy wife, happy life" that has been true in our household.. pathetic as that is

today I am thinking of this quote by Krishnamurti

"learning is movement from moment to moment"

baby steps, that's all it takes to make change.
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Old 08-17-2010, 07:14 AM
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had my first person visit me in the van tonight...well, derby visited one night early in the spring ....didn't take long for the "me" time to end did it?!

My ex came over at around 9 looking for an ear to bend and a hug to end off her trip. We had tea in the van and chatted about what the hell I'm doing. She thinks I am crazy, as usual. So mono geesh

She also told me about the living situation she has whereby she is living to go to school with friends who are a couple. She has fallen for the woman and had a one night stand with her just before she left. She cheated with her basically. I am not surprised at all as I have seen it coming for months.

We spent a good two hours talking about what she should do... including a poly option, but she has decided that she needs to end it before it starts to protect her friendship relationship. She was surprised I considered it cheating but completely agreed. the situation would indicate that it could be seen as something other than that when they were head long into lusty horniness. She hadn't thought of it and now is going back tomorrow to correct it.

Thanks forums for helping me not blow up at her in my anger and hatred for cheating and affairs... I owe you one. You've taught me patience and tolerance... tonight I was grateful.
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Last edited by redpepper; 08-17-2010 at 07:16 AM.
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