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  #111  
Old 08-16-2010, 04:53 PM
jkelly jkelly is offline
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Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
He told her they need to 'cool it' this week cause it's our anniversary week, she says to me 'he's one hell of a guy'. My mind goes right to no, the married guy fucking my wife is not one hell of a guy. I just can't help the nasty inside of me, the anger, pain.!
I wouldn't discount your opinion here as being "the nasty inside of you". I mean, you may be angry and hurt, but you're also simply correct -- he doesn't deserve praise for what he's doing, and it's alarming that your wife thinks he does. Just because you're angry doesn't mean your assessment of the situation is less accurate than hers.

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He writes me back that it was an accident, and he's ready to stop for me, I just have to say the word. WTF! Mind fuck much? Of course I can't 'say the word'. It's not up to me.
I generally agree with everything Mono's written in his last posts, but I would also say that you're kind of right about this and calling his bluff is probably not going to work. What is really up to you is what kind of relationship you want with your wife and your (former?) friend. I get that you still want to make your marriage work, but I hope that you don't add sacrificing your career to the list of things you've done to hold onto it.
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  #112  
Old 08-16-2010, 05:04 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Well, I think I have about 2 more months before the job decisions will come into play.

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I get that you still want to make your marriage work, but I hope that you don't add sacrificing your career to the list of things you've done to hold onto it.
Thats an excellent point I hadn't even considered.
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  #113  
Old 08-16-2010, 05:34 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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At this point, I can only wonder why you're still there. Walk on, dear lady.
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When speaking of various forms of non-monogamy...it ain't poly if you're just fucking around.

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  #114  
Old 08-16-2010, 06:01 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm wondering if you realize that your wife is not going to get out of your relationship what she needs. It looks like she will be moving on at this point and is just avoiding the inevitable because of your sacrifices. She doesn't seem to be good at this sort of thing and is not able to achieve balance and integrity.

You are giving her the okay to be selfish and deceitful. You are also giving her the okay to treat people with disrespect. Those are not sustainable if she is to live a healthy life of vitality and happiness. I agree with whomever it was that said you are enabling her. You are by your sacrifice. She will not be better off is my guess.

You know, I think that if you were to bring about a crunch time it would end up with the same result as is going to happen anyways, at this time anyways. Its been proven that this guy has manipulated the situation. He says he will lay off fucking your wife for the week to respect your anniversary? Bullshit, his wife is suspecting and he's scared. That is not a "swell guy" thing to do. Did you point that out to her? Not only that he says that if you want to call them off he will back off? More bullshit, he's going to put this all on you if the shit hits the fan soon. He will be telling your wife that its you who is to blame for their ending. Manipulation.

Wow, he's good! He's been walking around all proud of having his cake and eating it too. I bet there is some of that "I converted a lesbian with my big cock" thing going on too; "she just can't resist it and I'm going to give it too her whenever I can" ... I wonder if that is what he is thinking... That isn't love, that isn't respect, that's selfishness at the expense of others. These little fuck getaways they have? Are they about love, building a good foundation of relationship? I bet they aren't.

Oh your wife is so going to get hurt with this one! He is using her up would be my guess and she isn't even noticing or caring. He will be sick of her soon and will look for a way out. I bet he is already doing that with his "you tell me to end it and I will" comment. Not to mention the "we should take a break this week" one.

Have you been telling her what you are saying to us? Have your thoughts been translated into words? Have you been telling her what he says?

This is so reminding me of my break up with my wife. All my old guilt has come back and not at the best time, considering what my husband and I see going through.

We had a similar situation whereby I introduced NP to our lives and then did similar things your wife is doing. Np was cheating on his girlfriend with me and we pulled similar acts to be together. I was selfish and manipulative. It was years before she would talk to me again after that. Even more before she talked to np. She was so angry. I worked hard to earn her respect again and she deserved no less. We are all good now. I spent much time with her this week as she is visiting. You can see the pics on fb. I still feel that overwhelming guilt of having done such a wonderful woman wrong, but that is my burden to carry. I should of been patient and respectful of her pace.


What ended it for us in the end was a big talk about our goals. She had different ones than I. Emotions aside, I think that this is what you need to be talking about this anniversary. See if your goals still match up with each other and if they don't, move on. Don't stay with someone and sacrifice, its not fair to either of you. There is nothing that says you have to have a traditional relationship. Me and the ex are best friends and were meant to be so. I wouldn't change that now for the world, as much as I would have her still in my life as a lover. Our happiness depended on not being together. Its better this way. I would suggest you find out for YOU what your future should be. For YOUR happiness, because if you aren't happy, you take everyone down with you.
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  #115  
Old 08-16-2010, 06:16 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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Quote:
I'm wondering if you realize that your wife is not going to get out of your relationship what she needs. It looks like she will be moving on at this point and is just avoiding the inevitable because of your sacrifices. She doesn't seem to be good at this sort of thing and is not able to achieve balance and integrity.
She and I have this very candid relationship, if one asks the other a question, the answer is 100% honest, no holds barred, good, bad, or ugly. I've asked her time and time again, want me to leave, if he were single, every possible scenario and she insists to the point of almost anger that she fully intends we be together for life.

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You are giving her the okay to be selfish and deceitful. You are also giving her the okay to treat people with disrespect. Those are not sustainable if she is to live a healthy life of vitality and happiness. I agree with whomever it was that said you are enabling her. You are by your sacrifice. She will not be better off is my guess.
I don't deny this at all, I carry the guilt of being equally responsible for the cheating.

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He says he will lay off fucking your wife for the week to respect your anniversary? Bullshit, his wife is suspecting and he's scared. That is not a "swell guy" thing to do. Did you point that out to her? Not only that he says that if you want to call them off he will back off? More bullshit, he's going to put this all on you if the shit hits the fan soon. He will be telling your wife that its you who is to blame for their ending. Manipulation.
Completely agree, I'm certain that's part of it.

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Wow, he's good! He's been walking around all proud of having his cake and eating it too. I bet there is some of that "I converted a lesbian with my big cock" thing going on too; "she just can't resist it and I'm going to give it too her whenever I can" ... I wonder if that is what he is thinking... That isn't love, that isn't respect, that's selfishness at the expense of others. These little fuck getaways they have? Are they about love, building a good foundation of relationship? I bet they aren't.
Yup, agree there too.

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Have you been telling her what you are saying to us? Have your thoughts been translated into words? Have you been telling her what he says?
We talk alot, probably too much, it seems to be, well until yesterday, nothing but negitive, I bitch she listens.. but, we do talk. I do suspect she's peaked here more than once. We were talking about how she'd feel if I wanted to just go out and get laid, she said she'd have to think about it, but for no, she kinda feels like it would be cheating because "it aint poly if its just fucking around". I have no issue with if she is lurking, gosh, I wish she would be more. Like I said we're almost brutally honest as one of our most fundamental ground rules, so I have no issue with her seeing anything I've discussed with you folks.

No, I haven't told her what he has been saying, from what I've learned here there needs to be some sort of trusting communication between he and I if this will ever work.

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What ended it for us in the end was a big talk about our goals. She had different ones than I. Emotions aside, I think that this is what you need to be talking about this anniversary. See if your goals still match up with each other and if they don't, move on. Don't stay with someone and sacrifice, its not fair to either of you.
This is an awesome suggestion that I am certainly going to follow through with.
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  #116  
Old 08-16-2010, 07:06 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I'm glad to hear you are bluntly honest. This is what has always worked best in our lives too. The thing is, you owe him nothing. I can't see one reason you wouldn't talk to your wife about what he says. He isn't used to honesty, and openenness, show him how it works. I tell all my partners everything. I would let him know you intend to do so though.

This whole thing about you going out to sleep with someone? Its not cheating to do so. If that is what you are in to. People have open relationships to do just that. Who is she to define what cheating is anyway? She's cheating! He's cheating! He doesn't love her, I would bank on that. He is using her as he has all the others he's cheated with. Its a high of some kind for him. I think he's almost done with her actually. I wouldn't be surprised if he has his eye on another already. Pussy gets old fast when the NRE rush is over and you've just been using it to fuck. Meh, its all good if they are both into casual sex, but she thinks she loves him. It sounds like she will be hurt.

Its really too bad, cause if she wanted another partner, who loves her and respects her and who she could love, she could of had that. It could of been good. Now its just damage control. Or not even as no one seems to care about the damage.

Look, I am being really blunt here. You say its what you "do" so that is what I'm giving. You of course don't have to agree or it could be different for you... But it might be helpful to here it from the outside perspective that I have. Take it or leave it.
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  #117  
Old 08-16-2010, 07:12 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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@RP You've never offended me with your honesty. I think your wisdom and experience (and the others here) have truly been an invaluable resource for me. I agree with you almost all the time, and I suspect their end isn't too far away. If she chooses to re-visit Poly later, whith a more loving effort, and a non-married partner, we may even be able to work through that. It's all the muck I have to walk through to get us there. After yesterday, I'm at a much calmer place. Today I told her I'm moving back in the master, and for now, if they could find another venue, I'd like some things sacred for just us, she agreed without any hold back at all. This week will certainly be testing, I'm pretty sure we will al be together on about 3 or 4 occassions. Just gonna take one day at a time and try and love her unconditionally.
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  #118  
Old 08-16-2010, 07:23 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DazednConfused View Post
No, I haven't told her what he has been saying, from what I've learned here there needs to be some sort of trusting communication between he and I if this will ever work.
The trust needs to be that there will be NO secrets from your wife. He and your spouse both need to know that that relationship comes first. If anyone asks you to keep secrets from your spouse, immediately tell them that you discuss and share everything with your spouse and that anything they share with you will be shared with her.

However, I agree with RedPepper here. Your descriptions of this situation just screams "teenage girl". She is acting like a spoiled teenager with absolutely no regard for the people she claims to love and wants to keep in her life. She wants what she wants, when she wants it and everyone else better stay out of her way.
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  #119  
Old 08-16-2010, 07:27 PM
DazednConfused DazednConfused is offline
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The trust needs to be that there will be NO secrets from your wife. He and your spouse both need to know that that relationship comes first. If anyone asks you to keep secrets from your spouse, immediately tell them that you discuss and share everything with your spouse and that anything they share with you will be shared with her.
He's never asked me to keep it between us, it's been assumed. If I want to say something just to him, I will tell him that. I believe he's never told me not to tell her because he wants exactly that, to make me the bitter bad guy and start allowing him space for egress...

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However, I agree with RedPepper here. Your descriptions of this situation just screams "teenage girl". She is acting like a spoiled teenager with absolutely no regard for the people she claims to love and wants to keep in her life. She wants what she wants, when she wants it and everyone else better stay out of her way.
Absolutely, she has determined this is who she is at her core, and she needs to persue it to be happy. I do not even begrudge her that, with the correct care and planning, with an unmarried poly guy (no girls yet - I'd lose my shit)
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  #120  
Old 08-16-2010, 07:31 PM
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Good for you AC. You sound stronger, I hope that's true. Putting your foot down about the bedroom was a good call I think, I hope it inspired you to do more towards your own needs.
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