His first date

N

NoMansLand

New member
They went camping and it's been over 24 hour. I'm sure he is having an amazing time. He should be back tonight but I told him if going good to not worry and stay out longer. There is no reception where he is so that...is great; I think.

It's only been 3 weeks since I discovered my husband is poly. You can read my intro for a little more information, although being new I having plunged all the way in with details yet.

My main concern is my behavior, thoughts, and emotions. They seem to be running everything! I fight them back replacing bad thoughts with good and it does help. I want him to have an amazing time exploring a part of him that he was always shamed for. I honestly think I can be happy for him but right now it all seems too quick and I can't process it fast enough.

We are currently in an LDR out of work necessity ( he is halfway across the country and two time zones away) and although I know this didn't cause his feelings (I suspected a few years back but had no idea what to research) I do think him being alone has sped up the process.

It's hard because all the advice I have read and research I have done almost nothing helps me understand how to start this during an LDR.

He is supposed to get home (sometime this weekend) and I really want to be happy for him but Im so jealous that she gets time with him and I don't ( and I would give the world to be back next to him). Then I feel bad because that is not a situation we can control right now and it's not his fault he has time and I dont. Iwant to know if he had fun but out of a freak chance she took him where we are going next year and I feel like that is all I will be able to think about when we go.then I think how stupid is it to think like that? I'm mean I'm sure he took me to places he took his ex's...my thoughts are literally ridiculous!!!!

Please help this back and forth stop before he gets home and we talk. I don't want to blow this and I want him to share his new relationship with me.
 
I wonder if you're actually experiencing jealousy. Jealousy is often defined as "That person has that thing I want, so I want to take it away from them so they can't have it anymore and I can." It sounds more like you're experiencing envy: "That person has that thing I want, and I wish that I could also have it (without taking it away from them)." Combined with FOMO (fear of missing out), because you are missing out on some things that aren't feasible in a LDR that are with a partner who lives closer.

That aside, I suggest being a LOT kinder and more compassionate to yourself. Calling your thoughts "ridiculous" is judging yourself for something that, like the LDR, is not entirely within your control, and I would think the self-judgment only makes you feel worse. What I mean by "not entirely within your control is that while we can control your thoughts, the emotions underlying them are just there, and it's hard sometimes to change our thoughts when the emotions are still swirling. We don't control our emotions; we control our *reactions* to the emotions, and it sounds like you're doing that and are trying to continue doing that.

So instead of condemning yourself for "ridiculous" thoughts, maybe try just acknowledging them and your emotions. "I'm feeling really jealous/envious right now, and I keep thinking about how she gets time with him and I don't. That really sucks. I don't like feeling this way. But it's okay to feel how I feel. I know he and I care about each other and will see each other when we can, and I'm happy that he's having a good weekend even though I'm not part of it."

Maybe also do some self-care; finances permitting, take yourself out to dinner or a movie or something else that you've been wanting to do, or stay home and cook a nice meal and watch something you enjoy watching. If baths are your thing, treat yourself to an extra-long relaxing bath. Anything along those lines that will not only remind yourself that you are completely okay as you, even if you don't like your thoughts, and that will, as a bonus, maybe distract you from those thoughts for a while.
 
I concur with pretty much everything KC said.

There's also the time factor... and by that, I mean, it's only been THREE WEEKS since you found out your husband is poly. That is really not much time to wrap your head around this piece of information, process it and all that it potentially entails, AND be alright with him not only dating someone new, but going away on a week long camping trip during which he is out of communication completely.

Not judging your husband, but that is really a lot to ask of a partner/wife, especially since you're not physically together during this time, so aren't able to get the physical and verbal affection/reassurance you may need in order to be okay with this new development.

Can you ask your husband to maybe slow down a little with this new relationship in order for you to "catch up" on the emotional processing you need to do? Will he listen, or is his NRE for this new person so intense that you fear he won't compromise?
 
Kc: thank you so much for that response..envy is a much better explanation for how I feel. I will work on accepting my feelings instead of judging myself on how I feel. Self care is a little hard when you have 3 kids (youngest 19 months) but I can try harder to focus on myself.

His NRE is already too much to stop..we tried discussing it. That is why he is on his camping trip....I still haven't talked to him to know if he told her the truth yet. I think he is scared to tell her because he might lose his "chance" with her.

We have a lot to talk about and right now I'm just angry. I thought he would be more considerate of my feels but it seems like he is not. Being married with kids we talk several times a day. This is the first time in 8 years I have gone this long without talking to him. This is brutal...

Is this even possible in an LDR? How do I let him do this when we don't have that physical reassurance....
 
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NoMansLand said:
His NRE is already too much to stop..we tried discussing it. That is why he is on his camping trip....I still haven't talked to him to know if he told her the truth yet. I think he is scared to tell her because he might lose his "chance" with her.
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What "truth"? :confused: I've re-read your OP, but I think I missed something.

We have a lot to talk about and right now I'm just angry. I thought he would be more considerate of my feels but it seems like he is not. This is the first time in 8 years I have gone this long without talking to him. This is brutal...

Is this even possible in an LDR? How do I let him do this when we don't have that physical reassurance....
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It is up to you whether you consent to be involved in a polyamorous "V" type situation or not. If it's too difficult for you... not something you will be able to get your head around anytime soon... or makes you angry/depressed, you will certainly need to discuss that ASAP, and possibly break up or dramatically redefine the terms of your relationship.

Although I don't have a "meta" per se (I am the hinge in our LDR-V), I do somewhat understand the emotions you're going through.

I suffered from tremendous anxiety and practically broke down on a couple of occasions when my partners (who live in the same country) went away on vacation together without me. They used to be FWBs and somewhat romantically involved, so when they'd go away (platonically) I was never quite sure what would happen between them. It drove me crazy wondering if I was a fool to trust that nothing would happen. On top of that, I wanted what THEY had - and it felt so unfair, like I was missing out on making memories with them, while they got to be together.

I think that sort of "envy" is natural in your position. What you have to figure out is if you can handle your spouse dating at all, when you are not there to be able to reconnect when he comes back from a date.
 
Truth being..she doesn't know about us..his family. We didn't discuss if he was going to tell her this weekend. I hope he would so things don't get confusing, but he still is not back so I can't ask him yet.

That's the problem with this visit. Yes they are friends but he said if something were to happen, which he wants, then it will happen. So the not knowing is hard. Are they friends or FWB or is she going to be in a relationship with him?

So much is unknown until he gets home and we talk. I will update after that happens.
 
NoMansLand said:
Truth being..she doesn't know about us..his family. We didn't discuss if he was going to tell her this weekend. I hope he would so things don't get confusing, but he still is not back so I can't ask him yet.

That's the problem with this visit. Yes they are friends but he said if something were to happen, which he wants, then it will happen. So the not knowing is hard. Are they friends or FWB or is she going to be in a relationship with him?

So much is unknown until he gets home and we talk. I will update after that happens.
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In our relationship that just wouldn't fly. Consent is required from all parties, and we won't date people who are cheating or their partners, nor will we fail to disclose that we are married to potential partners. It's not what I consider ethical non-monogamy. I would be feeling uneasy top.

And honestly, I think he's asking too much of you too soon.
 
How could they have been “friends” without her hearing about you and the kids? Parents away from their families tend to talk about them, especially after a visit. How does all this fit into his past behavior patterns?

What is the custody situation which keeps you in a town where you have no connections?

Leetah
 
I honestly think I can be happy for him but right now it all seems too quick and I can't process it fast enough.
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It's hard because all the advice I have read and research I have done almost nothing helps me understand how to start this during an LDR.
Click to expand...

He is supposed to get home (sometime this weekend) and I really want to be happy for him but Im so jealous that she gets time with him and I don't ( and I would give the world to be back next to him).
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Sigh. All these feelings that you are trying to get rid of or squelch? You could LISTEN to them. This is too much too fast. LDR like this is NOT the best time to Open the relationship.

I'm just angry. I thought he would be more considerate of my feels but it seems like he is not. Being married with kids we talk several times a day. This is the first time in 8 years I have gone this long without talking to him. This is brutal...
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If you talk this often on the phone, why not have some of those phone calls NOT be about the kids but about the relationship with you? He cannot be a mind reader. You could honestly tell him your feels.

Worksheets like these can help some...

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

As can articles....

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/

...but if you are basically isolated where you are raising the kids by yourself while he's gone? Never getting time with him and this is how the marriage has been for 1.5 years? Having roller coaster up and down emotions with his decision to start poly dating? Clue him in and tell him what you are dealing with over here.

This is NOT the strongest/best married foundation from which to Open. YOU may have jumped the gun agreeing to this so quickly.

Both could spend some time on strengthening the marriage first. And you could spend some time changing from a SAH parent to a working parent. Just in case things fall apart and you end up needing your own income stream. People don't like to think that way -- they want to think everything will work out Happily Ever After. But because you have dependents? I urge you to have a Plan B in case things do NOT work out as you hope.

If you guys have to part ways because of Opening the marriage, that is NOT the time to start making the emergency Plan B. It could be made BEFORE Opening.

I'm not try to be a wet blanket here. Just telling you to have ALL the bases covered.

I'm glad you hear you are seeking daycare for the youngest to enable you to find a job. That's a start. You can also start making friends where you are at. You sound really alone.

In your intro thread he says...

He has told me he is terrified and won't do anything to lose me so if it becomes too much I can tell him stop.
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Then ask him to STOP dating so fast so soon. Let this camping trip slide but stop dating long enough to make a plan for HOW to Open better with you.

Going how you are going about it now? It's not giving you any time to adjust, and this is having to adjust over LDR to boot.

Then I feel bad because that is not a situation we can control right now and it's not his fault he has time and I dont.
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You cannot control the need to be LDR with the custody stuff.

He CAN exercise some self control and not start dating people 3 weeks after telling you he is poly. If he's been sitting on it for years? He's had years to mentally deal with it. You have not.

Also, giving you some extra time to adjust isn't the end of the world on his side if he's already clocked years. What's a few more weeks/months to him? Esp since he's worried about losing you/damaging the relationship with you?

You have only had 3 weeks. I don't think you have realistic expectations of yourself.

The stages of emotional change for a major change don't get traversed in 3 weeks. It could be months.

Add that his potential doesn't even know he is married with kids and they are off camping? I get not telling people right away if it's a coffee date for an hour. Might tell on the next date or so.

But an overnight in the woods where they are stuck with each other for 2 days or more? That's not right. I don't think that's ethical. He could have told her before camping.

That's the problem with this visit. Yes they are friends but he said if something were to happen, which he wants, then it will happen. So the not knowing is hard. Are they friends or FWB or is she going to be in a relationship with him?
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You guys are not even clear on what Open Model you both agree to practice. This sounds like jumping the gun to me. This list is not definitive, but maybe it helps you decide what you are and are not up for if you consent to be in his network.

If he's thinking about sharing sex with her without her knowing about his entire situation? Well, no wonder you are upset.

He says he won't do anything to cause damage to the (you +him) relationship, but there he is dating too soon too fast and not even obtaining full consent from a person he hopes to have sex with. (her)

I'm not sure he's obtained full consent from YOU. When you are his dependent, with all the kids to raise? That's a power imbalance right there with finances. You may not feel you CAN give full consent or be fully honest with how you feel.

You may not feel you can say "no" even if that is the best answer because then what? He pulls the rug out from under you and you and the kids have no support? This is not a healthy sounding way to Open. :(

Please help this back and forth stop before he gets home and we talk. I don't want to blow this and I want him to share his new relationship with me.
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You sound like you need this to slow the heck down and some TIME. You are not unwilling to accept a poly spouse, but you are upset you are getting no space to adjust.
You don't seem willing to tell him that though even though he has offered to stop.

I think you put him too much in front. Like keeping him happy, him this, him that. What do YOU need to weather this out better? More time and space, more talks with him about this, more time with him to reconnect as a solid couple before you can share his time and attention better, etc.

So what's he doing to not blow it with YOU?

I think you could believe he has good intentions with his offer to stop. I think you could ask him to stop. That this is too much too fast and you need more time to adjust. Maybe do some reading together.

Then you will find out if he really means it and is willing to put in the work to Open well or if he was just all talk. Like saying stuff to look good but not really meaning it and not really caring what your adjustment process is like.

I think with dependents? You are better off knowing what kind of situation this is and what to expect.

Is this just a bungled Opening because you both are newbies?

Or is this the start of a mess?

Or something else?

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst. I'm not trying to be unkind to you here here. Just really concerned that this is too much too fast too wonky. You are heading for pitfalls if you don't take care. :(

Avoid the Pitfalls
Poly Hell
Fourteen Steps to Opening a Monogamous Relationship
Worksheets

HTH!
Galagirl
 
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GalaGirl said:
Sigh. All these feelings that you are trying to get rid of or squelch? You could LISTEN to them. This is too much too fast. LDR like this is NOT the best time to Open the relationship. Worksheets like these can help some...

http://openingup.net/resources/free-downloads-from-opening-up/

As can articles....

http://practicalpolyamory.com/downloadabledocuments.html
http://www.kathylabriola.com/articles
https://www.morethantwo.com/

...but if you are basically isolated where you are raising the kids by yourself while he's gone? Never getting time with him and this is how the marriage has been for 1.5 years? This is NOT the strongest/best married foundation from which to Open.

He could spend some time on the marriage first. And you could spend some time changing from a SAH parent to a working parent. Just in case things fall apart and you end up needing your own income stream. People don't like to think that way -- they want to think everything will work out Happily Ever After. But because you have depednents? I urge you to have a Plan B in case things do NOT work out as you hope.

I'm not try to be a wet blanket here. Just telling you to have ALL the bases covered. I'm glad you hear you are seeking daycare for the youngest to enable you to find a job. That's a start. You can also start making friends where you are at. You sound really alone.

In your intro thread he says...



Then ask him to STOP dating so fast so soon. It IS too much too soon. It's not giving you any time to adjust, and this is having to adjust over LDR to boot.



You cannot control the need to be LDR with the custody stuff.

He CAN exercise some self control and not start dating people 3 weeks after telling you he is poly. If he's been sitting on it for years, giving you some time to adjust isn't the end of the world, esp since he's worried about losing you/damaging the relationship with you.

Add that his potential doesn't even know he is married with kids and they are off camping? I get not telling people right away if it's a coffee date for an hour. But an overnight in the woods where you are stuck with each other for 2 days or more? That's not right. I don't think that's ethical. He could have told her before camping.



Does that mean he's thinking about sharing sex with her without her knowing about his entire situation? Well, no wonder you are upset.

He says he won't do anything to cause damage to the (you +him) relationship, but there he is dating too soon too fast and not even obtaining full consent from a person he hopes to have sex with.

I'm not sure he's obtained full consent from YOU. When you are his dependent, with all the kids to raise? That's a power imbalance right there with finances. You may not feel you can give full consent or be fully honest with how you feel.

You may not feel you can say "no" even if that is the best answer because then what? He pulls the rug out from under you and you and the kids have no support? This is not a healthy sounding way to Open. :(



You sound like you need this to slow the heck down and some TIME. You are not unwilling to accept a poly spouse, but you are upset you are getting no space to adjust.
You don't seem willing to tell him that though even though he has offered to stop.

I think you put him too much in front. Like keeping him happy, him this, him that.

What's he doing to not blow it with YOU?

I think you could believe he has good intentions with his offer to stop. I think you could ask him to stop. That this is too much too fast and you need more time to adjust. Maybe do some reading together.

Then you will find out if he really means it and is willing to put in the work to Open well or if he was just all talk. Like saying stuff to look good but not really meaning it.

I think with dependents? You are better off knowing what kind of situation this is and what to expect.

Is this just a bungled Opening because newbies?

Or is this the start of something else?

Hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

Ga

That is all amazing and I think on point. I am going to go more into your post later when I'm not so mind numb...He finally came back. He told her about me and the kids and that he is poly. She crushed him when she said she was fine with it but didn't want a relationship just FWB kinda thing. They kissed and he loved it, they didn't make plans to see each other again yet.

I told him it's happening too fast for me..that I'm happy but I feel like I was not taken into consideration at all. He knew I had reservations about the whole thing and when given the opportunity to stay another night he made his decision to stay. That hurts. I am thinking o my answer when I tell him to slow down..right now I don't know what that means but I will tell him these types of dates need to happen later.

I'm not sure where we left it. I don't understand how to get him through the fog of what's right in front of him to step back and see the whole picture. I think if I am just supportive and approach him about bits and pieces at a time before they happen this can work.

In the mean time I just have to focus on getting work, supporting myself, and see where we are at a few years down the road. I have always been delt a full deck..and this is no different.
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Glad my post helped you some and you took in in the spirit intended. :eek:

You don't have to answer it if you don't want to. Being mind numb? Take care of YOU first. I think your well being could be your #1 priority. You have kids that need you to be ok.

She crushed him when she said she was fine with it but didn't want a relationship just FWB kinda thing.
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She didn't crush him. She stated what she is and is not up for. She's up for FWB. She is not up for a full on relationship. Fair enough. She can state where she stands.

He might be disappointed by that info. Fair enough for him to feel disappointed if he was hoping to hear something different from her.

But him feeling bummed out over her answer? That's not a reason for you not to address concerns while he's home, esp since with the LDR he's home in person rarely. You don't have to do it the minute he walks in the door. Get some sleep first. But you CAN say you want to talk at X O'clock on X day before he leaves again.

They kissed and he loved it, they didn't make plans to see each other again yet.
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He could make NO plans until he sorts out his home life FIRST.

I told him it's happening too fast for me..that I'm happy but I feel like I was not taken into consideration at all.
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Glad you started speaking your truth.

I think you mean you are WILLING to do Open, but your feelings are something else. Just the title of your other post lists a lot more feelings than "happy."

I am thinking of my answer when I tell him to slow down..right now I don't know what that means but I will tell him these types of dates need to happen later.
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  • It could mean GET EDUCATED first. Not just leap into dating land blind.
  • It could mean FINISH MAKING AGREEMENTS with spouse (you) first. Not go off flying by the seat of his pants. Because his behavior can and does affect his family. He's not a footloose single dating. He's a family man dating. And what if you want to date eventually? Is this only Open for his side? Or yours too? Because it is one thing to have the option and you choose not to exercise it. It's another not to get the option at all.
  • It could mean SLOW DOWN with the overnights.

You guys could talk and decide what it actually will mean to you guys -- but those are some examples of things you could request. Like take it in 6 month chunks or however long between visits.

Could go through this one with black, red, yellow and green marker together. Add the extras unique to your situation with a pen. For instance, it doesn't mention "Kids" or "more partners all living together" on there. (Ex: My spouse and I don't want more kids. He's had a vasectomy. I'm getting through perimenopause. So for us? We want that door closed. )



  • Black is "Instant dealbreaker. Abort mission. " That might be stuff like dating a minor or dating your mother. Just... NO.
  • Red is "STOP. No. Mistakes happen, but too many of these tripped up and it's going to black. Like not an INSTANT deal breaker, but still. NO."
  • Yellow is "No for now, can change over time."
  • Green is "Ok to go."

So you are on the same page to start out with. Then on the next visit you can review and see what can "go to yellow or go to green" and similar. Slows things down for you while still letting him see things ARE moving forward for him.

Not the only approach, but one approach to HOW to Open less wonky.

I'm not sure where we left it. I don't understand how to get him through the fog of what's right in front of him to step back and see the whole picture.
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Could email him some links to look over. Esp poly hell.

I think if I am just supportive and approach him about bits and pieces at a time before they happen this can work.
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I find it odd that the non-poly (?) partner has to be educating the "want to be a hinge" person but if that is what you have to do, DO IT. To protect your own mental health and well being through this.

In the mean time I just have to focus on getting work, supporting myself, and see where we are at a few years down the road. I have always been delt a full deck..and this is no different.
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Sounds like your resolve/confidence is coming back some. That's good. I think getting a job will help you get to know people too -- not just have your own income stream.

Hang in there while this finishes sorting out. And I hope it does sort out so you can proceed together in better shape. Going at it all wonky is not good for anybody.

Galagirl
 
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On what planet is any of this right?

A weekend camping trip is not a first date. He's been lying to her, which means he's been lying to you. He started dating her when he told you he was poly, probably before that even.

The LDR thing can work. It worked for me. But I was honest with everyone up front. I never cheated on my wife. I never lied to my girlfriends. My wife was poly so she had plenty of intimacy while I was away. We talked every day, no fake excuses like claiming no cell reception.
 
Hi NoMansLand,

I agree that your husband has been moving too fast, he needs to slow down a little bit. Also it is good that he told his girlfriend about being married and the kids. That is more appropriate when he is already going camping with her.

I hope the two of you are able to work things out. Do you want to date poly too, or is this just for him? I am just wondering.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
 
Like others have said, it sounds like this is going very quickly and you sound like you are trying hard to be accommodating, which I think is very considerate.

Out of interest, perhaps once you've had more time, have you had any thoughts on what you'd like/need from your husband in order to feel secure and supported in the longer term if your relationship remains a poly one (e.g. to maintain regular contact on phone, to travel to see each other)?
 
He has agreed to slow down a bit and have more reasonable dates...which makes me feel a lot better. I'm still not sure how I feel...but in time I will.

I'm not interested in dating. Although I don't know what the future will bring.. especially after this!
 
I'm glad he has agreed to slow down a little bit. I'm sure you'll be able to sort out your own feelings as time goes on.
 
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