are there poly people living mono on here?

[LovingRadiance]

Thank God I'm not anymore-but yes, I did live mono for a long time with great struggle until last September.
But after I figured out that I couldn't, and I laid it out for Maca, he ultimately figured out that he's not mono either.
GG is.
GG lives in a poly dynamic with us-but isn't with anyone but me because he's not poly.

[NeonKaos]

I'm "living mono" by default. Right after I met my now-husband, my mother was diagnosed with stage-4 colon cancer and died a year later (in 2001). Steve and I got married shortly after that. Since then, I haven't felt inclined to socialize much (except online). WE always had the agreement that I could have girlfriends, but recently we also decided that he could have girlfriends too, and I could have boyfriends. I almost had a boyfriend, but it was the other guy who couldn't handle the idea of being involved with someone with other partners, not my husband who couldn't handle it. Right now, we are both not seeing anyone else, but that is subject to change if the right person/people come along.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by jkelly

Hunh. If I thought that being poly- was keeping my relationships from reaching their maximum potential, or got in the way of building a foundation, I'd stop being poly-.

From my perspective, I don't get how this advice is supposed to work in practice. Should I dump everyone I'm dating every time I meet someone new in order to be monogamous with them? That'd be incredibly cruel, and importing one of the worst elements of being in monogamous relationships into polyamory.

Further, I'm really clear that none of my relationships "should be mono", since I don't want to be in a monogamous relationship. So if there is some relationship out there that "should be mono", I shouldn't be in it in the first place! Being monogamous for that relationship would just prolong my being in the wrong relationship.

Well, as luckygirl was asking if this happens, I guess my response is "yes." I have known it to happen a few times. Even with people on here that I have met and conversed with in private. I think some relationships go better that way, for whatever reason. It's a matter of what the people in them want. Perhaps they are fine with a mono life, even though they could quite easily poly if the opportunity comes up.

Personally I could not, at this point anyway, live in a strictly monogamous relationship. It would cause me much duress. I'm with you on this jkelly. For the same reasons, but it still happens that some poly people go mono because they think the partner they have found is worth that much in whatever way that means to them. I don't think that means that by yours and my standard it means that the others are less.... it's just a difference that people have.

There could be many reasons for it really.... they want to find a primary? they want to get married, have kids, etc.. as that is what they think success is? They would rather make do with a partner they love deeply than many they are in love with but their worlds aren't rocked? I don't know... just a speculation. I did that with PN for years. It turned out I can't do it for life, but it worked during the time of our wedding, house buying, kid creating and debt building I am assuming that others do the same... please, someone, correct me if I am wrong about that.

[Honestheart]

Originally Posted by Ariakas

Fair enough, thanks for the insight ..

LOL, i'm just gad u understood what i was trying to say...i just re-read it and went...ok I know what I wanted to say but do they? LOL

[Tonberry]

I tried living mono for a few years. I did it successfully insofar as there was no cheating, unsuccessfully because I was miserable and, as a result, so was he.
After many talks we agreed to open the relationship on my end. We felt much better right away, even though it was about two more years before I actually met someone. Those two years living monogamously de facto rather than by force weren't hard at all.

I think the people who can go either way are more likely to think they're mono if they are with a mono, and only realise they could go either way if they're with a poly person.

Also, I think restricting what you're personally allowed to do and what someone else does is different. That is, I wish my mono partner had other partners, but he doesn't, and I have to accept that. He would find it easier if I had nobody else, but I do, and he has to accept that.
Forcing yourself to have nobody else seems to me more similar to someone forcing themselves to have more partners when it's not for them, if I am making sense here.

Mono people who "live poly" don't do it on their end of the relationship is what I mean. Doesn't mean every mono will be able to have a poly relationship or that it isn't hard for them, but a poly relationship can be so on one end only while a mono relationship is mono for both partners, by definition.