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Old 08-03-2009, 04:03 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Rarechild View Post
"But I have had no evidence to prove otherwise, other than my guts. And my guts are unreliable because I am struggling with him being with other women as it is. "
( I don't know how to do that fun quoting thing you all do yet)

A friend pointed out to me something amazing the other day when I said I had been following my intuition/gut above my reason lately, and that it had been incredibly freeing and seemingly much wiser than my brain.

Your gut/pit of your stomach feeling is your solar plexus, a nerve bundle known as the "abdominal brain" and also as the "psychic center" in eastern mysticism.

The solar plexus is a nerve center as complex as the brain, but is not self-conscious and therefore unable to deceive like the brain is.

In fact, our brains many times take these gut feelings and distort them to rationalize what feels safe and logical for us, and to ridicule these strong survival urges out of having any sway over our actions. I have been reading about it online, and I find it very interesting to think about, to say the least.
thanks for this.... I never knew that! Makes total sense....

You are all doing such a good job with your help here I have nothing to add that I haven't already on other threads....

I am reminded of the relationship I have just come out of where I asked for more depth in our friendship and he could come up with nothing because he could not be radically honest in his communicating and therefore reach that depth. I have since noticed that most people are unable to reach the depth that I require in relationships and therefore are not poly to me... or should I say they don't do poly as I do, which is of course the right way! HA

Really though, it's better to move on and find someone who fits better.
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Old 08-03-2009, 09:12 PM
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redsirenn redsirenn is offline
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Yes -
This thread contains alot of great opinion.

Sometimes it is very hard to determine what the "right" thing for one to do is. Sometimes one can confuse intuition and gut feelings with rational thought. Personally, I say that you should do what makes you FEEL good inside.

In the end you make your own decisions - they could differ from what ANYONE else would do too. Hopefully they will lead to growth and contentment, not agony. That is probably the best determinate for which decision is "right".
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Old 08-04-2009, 01:44 AM
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I really like the way your mind works, whether it's "abdominal" or otherwise. Your enthusiasm, courage, tenderness and strength is inspirational -- and sexy. "Did I say that?!"
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Old 08-04-2009, 04:57 AM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Originally Posted by SeventhCrow View Post
He may be honest about what it is he needs in a relationship. The question then becomes one of compatibility. He's comfortable in relationships that are fluid and can be quite distant without any trouble. That's not compatible with somebody who has to have closer ties on a regular basis.

It's not a question of interest or depth of feeling or anything else. It's a question of whether the relationship styles of the persons involved are compatible. My second wife and I finally figured out that we're just not compatible in that fashion, despite how deep the attraction and strong the feelings--we just can't live together on an ongoing basis.
I have taken a step back the last couple days and really guided my decision-making with my feelings, rather than my thoughts. Someone said somewhere in this thread that using your gut feeling to determine what course to take is better than using ones head. I totally agree.

So while I was allowing my guts to lead me in the right direction, it suddenly occurred to me: He and I ARE incompatible. But only in our lifestyles. I have children, he is a free spirit. I like to know exactly what is going to happen next, he takes things as they come and never really worries. He prefers to have a very large and diverse social network, I prefer a few close friends I know very well.

Once it really hit home that we are never going to have a life together, I let go. But I didn't let go of him - instead I let go of my expectations. I don't HAVE to have anything in this relationship other than spending time with him. When he and I are together, there is such a glowing light of love between us....we just merge.

I never want to lose that. Despite everything else that he does with his life, or me mine, I never want to lose the chance to be with him and give him love and accept his. This whole thread has turned in a negative direction towards him because it seemed he has been advertising falsely and manipulating the situation.

I think I can safely say that I missed the whole point. He has always been telling me who he is and what he wants. He may not be able to say it in plain english, but by using my guts, I opened up to what he has been telling me with his actions, nonverbal cues, and the way he describes his philosophies....

I suddenly stopped caring. Not about him, but about what he is doing. I have no stake in what he does. He is not the father of my children, nor is he a major part of their lives. He and I do not own property together or anything like that. We don't even live together.

I have spent so much time WISHING that we could have been more, I failed to see what it is we already have. When we are together, the world melts and it's just us. As infrequent as our time together may be, I would never throw away the chance to bask in our love. I want that possibility open to me forever.

And that is what he has been saying. He views poly as being Open to All love. He has said he does not want to tell someone he cannot love them because he has given too much love away to these other people. He also has said he doesn't feel it's anyone's place to put limits on his love. And that is what would happen if he were to go mono or even the "traditional" poly way. Someone would be putting limits on his pursuing opportunities to love.

"Vetoing", etc. is putting limits. While I totally understand the need for that in a relationship where people are married, have families, have stakes in what they do, in our relationship it doesn't make sense. He and I will never have a "life" together. We are simply too different. But I will continue to love him as long as it lasts and he has said the same to me.

(And I know he doesn't mean just sleeping around, because if he did he would have slept with someone by now. )

So I guess with all that said, I don't need anything from our relationship! The parts that didn't work out for me, oh well. But I am also not going to throw away the parts that DO work for me. It's just not worth it.
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Old 08-04-2009, 05:43 AM
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vandalin vandalin is offline
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I do apologize for my part in making this thread a negative one about your fella. Part of it is the text issue I feel.

I congratulate you on making this discovery about yourself. This kind of epiphany takes a lot of guts I'd say and not many people can do it... especially if they are new to poly. I also want to thank you. You have put a whole new spin on my own problems.

I have spent so much time WISHING that we could have been more, I failed to see what it is we already have. When we are together, the world melts and it's just us. As infrequent as our time together may be, I would never throw away the chance to bask in our love. I want that possibility open to me forever.
When I read this, my stomach clenched and that lightbulb went off over my head. This is exactly how I feel about "Elric". Even as "just friends" we have a special love and connection and if that is all I can have of him, then maybe, I think I can accept that. Wow... Thank you so much.
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Old 08-04-2009, 03:20 PM
Nyx Nyx is offline
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Oh that's wonderful! Yes I feel a great weight has been lifted off of my soul. I feel very lucky to have this man in my life. I am so glad that my realization has helped you as well! Good luck to you!!
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