Changing Relationship Dynamics and Communication

My partner and I have an open relationship, don't necessarily use the word poly but know we fall under it as an umbrella term. We have some basic rules for playing with people, but the main emphasis is that we have sex dates. We can have sex with friends if it's communicated, and can connect with people emotionally of course, but having a romantic relationship with someone wasn't something in the plan. We had talked about it briefly at the very beginning of our relationship, basically saying that we just want sexual relationships with people, and if that changes we'll leave the possibility open.

So I'm not necessarily scared, and I think everything will be OK talking to my partner, but I am afraid of triggering insecurities in her. She sometimes jokes about not falling in love with a sex date, and jokes about 'boyfriends' and 'girlfriends' in a way that I know is her fighting insecurities and fears.

I think I know what I want, which is a romantic and sexual relationship with this friend, but to assure my partner that she is my primary and most important. Is there a good or best-practice way to approach this subject?

I'm sure others will have insightful things to say. I just speak about my experience. My husband and I are primary partners (partly because we haven't had any other relationships that have evolved to co-primary) and we often affirm with each other that we do want to keep making life plans and grow old together.

Perhaps gently remind your GF that feeling love for or falling in love with another person does not necessarily mean evolving into co-primary partners. There are many other ways for relationships to be fulfilling without that. However, if a natural evolution of that love leads to co-primary partnership, there are lots of success stories about this style of relationship.

Hello zoreh,

I suppose the thing to say to your partner is something like, "Honey, I am interested in pursuing a romantic and sexual relationship with this friend of mine, and I wanted to see how you felt about it. This does not change how I feel about you in any way, I always love you and you will always be primary to me." You can edit that statement of course, I am just submitting the best way I could think of to put it.

Hopefully that is of some small help to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.

In my relationship, I'm the partner who needs the reassurance, and I think what everyone has said here is the key. Make sure she knows she'll always be the primary, and that she has nothing to worry about.

My wife has had several serious relationships over the last few years, and she reassures me that we'll always be together. I've been jealous and insecure, and still am to a degree, even though she's kept her word in the long run, even after some pretty rough patches. The thing is, you might have to reassure her over and over, even though you've been totally above board and it's evident that she's still your number one. If she does need that, try to be patient. Our reactions aren't always rational.