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Old 08-14-2010, 06:43 PM
Cryptoboy Cryptoboy is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 7
Default Very Confused (Long)

So my wife and I are new to polyamory (never head that before, right?) We've been swinging for about 3 years now and that's how we got brought into it (currently, as well as a year or so ago). We had a brief experience about a year and half ago with a couple that was starting out which ended in a disaster (basically the guy was telling us both two different things and trying to push us apart.) So as you can imagine, we shied away from anything along those lines.

Well we moved to Vegas back in Feb, and after some adjustment, started looking for swinging couples to have fun with a few months ago. We typically prefer more of consistent thing, never really looking for people to 'notch our bedposts', but people we could have fun with more than just sexually. My wife and I are both highly sexual, and (wrong or right), it's an important part of both our relationship as well as our other experiences.

So we meet this couple towards the end of May, and all four of us had a strong connection. The guy (D) started asking S (my wife) about polyamory, and of course it made us a little nervous based on the first 'experience'. We got past it and continued letting things proceed.

Well things continued to get stronger and stronger. We booked a suite for the weekend with them (probably one of the most amazing weekends ever, from a sexual and emotional standpoint), had them over alot, went to their place, introduced them to friends/family (which we've never done with a swinging couple). About a month ago right before we all started travelling (for work, separately going home to visit our familes, etc), D and S admitting they had loving feelings for each other. I was having similar feelings towards J (his wife), but we hadn't expressed it at that point. My normal feelings would be jealousy, but this time there wasn't any of that.

We all do our travelling, and J and I talked several times a day (she was in KS and I was CO). I even went to go see her at the airport in Colorado Springs, and as she hugged me goodbye she said she loved me. This was about a week and a half ago. S and J were both home before us, and had the "green light" to both hang out as well as physical, which they did and it was cool (at least on my side, when you read further we wonder if J wasn't as ok with it as she initially let on).

After we all got home last weekend, that's when things started to sour. We were all looking forward to a great reunion as it were, and the one time we did see them, she (J) was obviously not wanting us to be there, or do anything. Most of this past week she's been barely responsive, and flat out not interested in sex. Thursday she and her husband had a long discussion, and what basically came out of it was that she wants to pursue a relationship with a woman (completely independent of D). She also basically wants for the four of us to remain friends, but the sexual side, while not off the table, is not to be the norm. So basically the love she expressed for me last week was more of a friendship love (not sure how to put that).

As you can imagine, I'm crushed. I've only opened up and expressed my love for 3 people (my ex-wife, current wife, and J). While I have cared for the other women in our swinging experiences, nothing was like this for me. My wife, while she still has feelings for D, doesn't really want to pursue it anymore either because I'm hurt (and she's hurt too; she was feeling pretty close to J, first woman she ever fully had sex with, and was basically told she wasn't lesbian enough). The four of us have said all along that it's more or less an all or nothing thing; if someone isn't happy, that we all work to address it or the situation would change. Well that has happened but J still wants us around - almost like she wants her cake and eat it too.

My point? No clue really. I guess I'm just looking for some constructive criticism (already had my heart yanked out in the past 24 hours, so I can deal...lol). The logical thing would be to cut and run I guess, but the emotional side is torn. Part of me wants to continue, at least for my wife and D, because they have been happy (especially my wife, which has made it good for us too), but I'm not sure if I can and watch it be one-sided either (given how this is ending up - looking at least).

So am I being selfish? Is she (J)? Was this just too complicated a situation from the start? Should I just take what I can get, and hope for the best?
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