If someone's dating or WANTS to date your spouse

[Derbylicious]

I don't like to be asked permission as such but I do like it if a potential new girlfriend introduces herself to me as a friend. I like to be kept in the loop as to what's going on, one step at a time. It's much easier to keep my emotions in check that way and to keep on top of any issues that are bothering me. I think if I were to find out that there was a relationship between one of my partners and someone else that was well underway that I knew nothing about I would consider it cheating.

-Derby

[NeonKaos]

There is this woman that my husband was friends with before we met. He told me that they would have gotten together but for the fact that she was married. Well her husband died several years ago and when we had the first "poly talk" (which wasn't really the FIRST one because it was always decided that I could have girlfriends, but we changed it so that we can both have girlfriends and I can have boyfriends - steve is straight) I suggested that he might want to ask her on a date sometime. He sees this friend of his maybe once or twice a year, and he hung out with her the other day. I didn't ask him if they talked about the "poly stuff". But, she is a very considerate person, and I don't even know if she would be interested in him that way at this point. I almost would go to HER and say "Hey, you can date each other if you both want". I don't think she would quite know what to say to me about that, so I'll just let the two of them figure it out. It's really none of my business, other than that I wouldn't consider it "cheating". If they kiss each other, he doesn't have to call me up and say "I'm about to kiss her, is that ok with you"? I like her just fine, but we never really established an independent connection with each other. The thing we have most in common is him.

[redpepper]

I dated many people that my husband didn't know in the space of a year or more. For me, its not about asking permission or announcing, but checking in with me when its someone we know. If I know someone in the community or my husband does, I would want to know if they are interested before something comes about. This is particular to those I know. Not strangers I met on line with the purpose of dating. I'm not sure I made that clear about myself.

[TL4everu2]

Originally Posted by marksbabygirl

Do you want to know before hand?

How would you feel if they came up to you (or emailed you or phoned you) and said "BTW, I really like your spouse -and want to get to know him/her - I think that he/she and I have a great connection"

Or would you prefer to wait until the spouse and new amour are in a more solid 'relationship'?

I did not read all three pages. (bad internet form on an internet forum. LOL I know I know) Anyway, If they are in a more solid "relationship", aren't they already dating?

[marksbabygirl]

Originally Posted by TL4everu2

I did not read all three pages. (bad internet form on an internet forum. LOL I know I know) Anyway, If they are in a more solid "relationship", aren't they already dating?

The title of my post.. "If someone is dating or WANTS to date..."

So.... as they're getting to know each other or when they've determined that they are definately couple material....

At what point do you want to be introduced?

[TL4everu2]

Ok, I would say that I would want to be introduced before progresses too far. If they go too far, then it could bring in that nasty jealousy bone. I hate that bone, but it still lives in me from time to time. It typically only rears it's ugly head when it comes to this one woman I'm trying to develop a closer relationship with. (My wife and I have been dating her husband and her off and on for a while now) So I think I would want to know right up front. Otherwise, it feels (to me anyway) like it's the beginnings of cheating and deception. I tell my wife EVERYTHING that happens in my life throughout the day. If a woman (or in some cases a man) hits on me, I tell her about it up front. Sometimes, she tells me to follow up on it. Others, she shrugs it off.

Sooo...Yep. Definatly up front.

[foxflame88]

Interesting topic...

I am not married to either of my loves, but my answer would be the same. I would feel flattered if someone approached me to tell me they were interested in my SO. I think it shows that they have respect for MY relationship with them.

[jkelly]

Originally Posted by foxflame88

I am not married to either of my loves

I'm not married either, but I assumed that the use of the word "spouse" in the thread title was just reflecting an assumption that everyone is married instead of a specific disinvitation for unmarried people to comment.

[marksbabygirl]

Originally Posted by jkelly

I'm not married either, but I assumed that the use of the word "spouse" in the thread title was just reflecting an assumption that everyone is married instead of a specific disinvitation for unmarried people to comment.

Wasn't so much an assumption that everyone is married (because I don't) and I don't assume everyone has a primary - but at some point a new person will come into an established relationship. The new person may or may not want to approach the SO or OSO or OSO's SO or what have you. If a 4th wants to come into an established triad or V - at some point someone's going to say (even if in their head) "Hey - I like so and so - I should probably check with their SO(s) about that"

So no assumption on marriage or couples or anything - I just don't like the term SO... so I don't use it

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by foxflame88

I am not married to either of my loves, but my answer would be the same. I would feel flattered if someone approached me to tell me they were interested in my SO. I think it shows that they have respect for MY relationship with them.

I like this, I think it sums it up for me. Thanks foxy